You know that feeling you get after something horribly embarrassing happens to you and you think to yourself, “Where is a rock so that I may crawl under it and die?” Yeah, that. That feeling of pure, devastating, let-me-just-disappear-now humiliation is why I’m writing this list.
I guess anyone not born a marble statue has felt this “feel” I’m speaking of. What you may not know is that there are levels of that “feel.” Three levels, to be precise, and they are as follows:
Level 1: The “Laugh It Off”
You’re walking down the street just minding your own business when a pervy gust of wind suddenly flings your skirt up around your head. Since you haven’t seen the sun in ages and since you’ve eaten like crap the last six months, all you have to offer the world is a cellulite-riddled pair of pale butt cheeks. But it could be worse. Your wearing your cutest thong and you weren’t flexing weirdly so maybe the cellulite isn’t at it’s most obvious, and it’s freaking mid-fall. Who has a butt tan right now anyway? Just laugh it off and keep moving.
Level 2: The “I’ll Be The Butt Of All Jokes For Months But I Will Survive This”
You’re a hard working intern busting your butt at your dream job and you offer to pick up the coffee because you’re a bad ass dude like that, and as you march triumphantly back into the office, a tray of steaming coffee cups in hand, you collide face first into the huge glass doors that look deceptively invisible during the day. Coffee explodes in your face, scalding your skin and ruining your brand new, way too expense suit, and everyone you’ve been trying desperately to impress is on the other side of those stupid glass doors, laughing hysterically at you.
But hey, at least you’ve managed to give the office something to talk about and your name will be on the tip of everyone’s tongue. This could be the career boost you were looking for! So chin up, pal. You’ll be the butt of all jokes for months, but you will survive this.
Level 3: Death Is A Better Alternative Than What Has Just Occurred
You just scored the hottest date ever. I mean this one is like your soul mate. You’ve had a fab dinner ripe with conversation and laughter, and now you’re at the theater, about to indulge in this year’s hottest new romantic comedy. Perhaps it’s your chance to steal a few kisses in the dark, get some handholding in, or maybe even do a little heavy petting that will lead to something spectacular later. You’re about to make your move when the dinner you just enjoyed an hour earlier flips upside down in your gut. Oh dear God, no. Not here, not now.
But there is no controlling it and just like that, with no where to run, you have spewed the contents of your meal all over yourself and your date, and maybe a few innocent bystanders sitting near you. There is no getting out of this one. Your date is officially ruined, no one is going to enjoy this movie now, and to add insult to injury, you now have to get up and walk out of there like some kind of vomit-induced walk of shame. You realize then that death is a better alternative than what has just occurred.
Whatever your level of humiliation and as bad as it was, at least it wasn’t all caught on live TV. You see, like my fellow entertainers below, I am all too familiar with the mishaps of the stage and how much worse your embarrassing moment becomes because it has not only had the audacity to happen to you, but it also happened to you in front of a crowd who was already analyzing your every move more closely than a group of scientists studying a new strain of influenza under a microscope. I too have experienced microphone malfunctions, wardrobe disasters, and even a few stumbles here and there on the runway. But never, not once, have I experienced something to the degree of what you’re about to witness. (Excuse me while I knock vigorously on wood).
So, for your entertainment and in hopes that this will make us all feel a little better about ourselves, I give you my list of The Top 10 Live TV Fails and Their Embarrassment Level.