'New Girl' season 5 episode 5 recap: 'Bob & Carol & Nick & Schmidt'

This week on New Girl we got to meet Nick's extremely annoying cousins Bob and Carol, who are unfortunately nothing like our beloved Nick Miller. One can assume they're going to be terrible people before even meeting them when Nick begins hiding nice things around the apartment because he doesn't want his cousins asking him for money.

Much to Nick's surprises his overbearing cousins don't want his money this time ... they want his sperm because Bob's count is very low. Nick is perfectly okay with this, however, Schmidt is not because in his mind him and Nick are so close that Nick's sperm is also his sperm. Not only does he consider Nick's future children his own, but Schmidt has been planning Nick's life on his computer for a good amount of time now and wants to keep him on track. Nick's life plan came about when Schmidt felt the two were drifting apart.

In Schmidt's ideal life plan Nick's first born was going to be with a small Italian woman who makes homemade meatballs with the red sauce. Setting his life plan aside Nick thinks that this may be the only chance for him to have a child because of his rather sucky love life. Sure the child won't be his and he won't raise him, but he will get to see him at family parties and be a part of his life.

Although this isn't a part of his plan Schmidt is okay with it because the thought of another Nick Miller in the world is enough to make him happy ... I think that's enough to make anyone happy honestly.

After Nick donated his sperm Bob and Carol tell him they can't afford to get the procedure done, and that they only way for them to have a baby is for Nick to have sex with Carol. Schmidt is surprisingly still on board because his heart is set on another Nick Miller, but Nick is out ... he's so out. Desperate for baby Nick, Schmidt reassures him that Carol isn't actually his cousin, she's his cousin's wife so it's like "letting a dog drink water out of your mouth."

It gets extremely weird and uncomfortable in Nick's attempt to have sex with Carol and he finally decides that he needs boundaries and refuses to help them conceive. Bob and Carol decide to ask cousin Terry because their child can't be a Bears fan anyway ... weird.

Nick takes the Bears onesie and gives it back to Schmidt to save for when Nick does have his own child. So touched, Schmidt shows Nick his life plan that shockingly involves Nick killing himself in 2098 because Schmidt dies.

Meanwhile Winston fills in for Jess and takes Cece dress shopping, the only problem is the two get so drunk that they buy the ugliest dress in the entire store. It's equipped with mirrors, a jacket, and it even lights up.

The two attempt to return the dress, Winston even shows up in his police uniform accusing the shop of serving alcohol without a liquor license when the woman refuses to take the dress back. Still stuck with the dress Cece is so overcome by Winston's efforts that she asks him to be one of her bridesmaids (even though he is already a groomsman).

All four of them go to visit Jess from outside of her window to show her Cece's dress. To stick to tradition of not seeing the bride in the gown before the wedding day, they cover Schmidt's head with a brown bag. After seeing the god awful light up gown Jess draws three signs, "it's terrible," "I can fix it," and "I miss you." Schmidt decides he doesn't want to stick to traditions, rips the bag off of his head and faints at the horrible sight ... but hey Jess can fix it.

 

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