One thing Andy Dick is not is boring. For more than 20 years, he has been shocking audiences and the general public with his antics and in-your-face comedic style and outrageous and sometimes, questionable and often controversial behavior. His characters are memorable, but maybe not as much as he is himself.
Dick, who is 51, was adopted as a baby and grew up as a Navy brat. He moved often and actually grew to like the moves and it enabled him to meet more people. He attended University of Illinois Champaign Urbana for a while and started taking improv classes.
After impressing Ben Stiller who saw him perform, he landed a role on The Ben Stiller Show. He got small roles in popular shows like The Nanny and Get Smart. Soon after he starred as fan favorite Matthew Brock on NBC’s NewsRadio. Later, he was a supporting character on Less than Perfect. From 2001-2002 he starred in MTV’s The Andy Dick Show. He often frequented Comedy Central Roasts and other appearances. In 2013, he was a contestant on season 16 of Dancing with the Stars and placed seventh. He also is a musician, produces, directs and does voice work.
His resume is impressive, however, his long history of substance abuse and unpredictable behavior have kept him in the headlines.
While people love to watch a trainwreck, Hollywood doesn’t often find ways to keep someone in the limelight time after time with so many PR nightmares. However, maybe those aren’t nightmares at all? Dick is only getting work and headlines because: A. He has a fabulous management team. B: Studios and shows know that hiring or booking him for a show will earn publicity, regardless of what happens to him. C: Andy Dick really is a comedic genius.
Perhaps it is a combination of all three?
Filmmaker Cathy Carlson noticed something beyond her long-standing friendship with him. She realized that Everybody Has an Andy Dick Story, and made her film with the same name. Learn more about Cathy here. Something she realized, was that most people who meet him may get frustrated and angry at him and his sometimes seemingly sociopathic behavior, however, most people have nothing but love for the man and want him to succeed.
Perhaps he will shock everyone and within five years, he will land a role or deliver a performance that could earn a nomination for an Oscar, Emmy or other prestigious awards? People seem to think he has it in him.
Andy Dick spoke with Michelle Tompkins for this exclusive interview for TheCelebrityCafe.com about his time as a Boy Scout (he loves camping, who knew?), what his home life is like, what advice he would give to his sons about treating women with respect, his dating life, what is his dream relationship, why he tries to get sober and most importantly, why he does the things that he does.
Michelle Tompkins: I’m looking forward to talking with you. One of the main reasons I want to talk to you about is after seeing the movie, most people seem to have so much love for you.
Andy Dick: God.
MT: They do. Even with your antics.
AD: I wish I could believe it, but I’m sitting here alone with my dogs. So it’s kind of hard to believe that people love me.
MT: I think they do. I think they really do.
AD: Well, where are they? I’m sitting here alone with two little kittens and two dogs.
MT: Have you invited anyone over?
AD: Always [laughter].
MT: Well, next time I’m in LA, I’ll come over and say hello.
AD: Thank you. My kids ran off— I live with like five kids, which should be illegal, and their boyfriends and girlfriends. So there’s really 10 children here. But when I say children, they’re all 18 and over. But I just pretty much sit on my couch, watch Forensic Files and they all ducked out yesterday to Joshua Tree to go camping. And they literally ducked out. I’m like can I go? You guys? And they just left me.
MT: Is camping one of your activities of—
AD: I love it. I love camping. Love it.
MT: I saw a video of you going fishing. That was really funny.
AD: I know.
MT: You ripped off the poor little fish’s mouth.
AD: Oh, you saw that one.
MT: I did.
AD: I thought you were talking about a month ago, we went to Kern River. And my daughter’s boyfriend’s dad caught a trout, a river trout. And it was pink. The meat was pink.
MT: For trout? I would expect that from a salmon but okay.
AD: Exactly. It was a weird form of trout that has pink meat. And I cooked it up in the morning. I’m the only one that ate it. Doesn’t anybody want it? We caught it in the river. I love camping. I camp my whole life. My dad took us on a camping trip all the way across America. We stayed locally in KOA campgrounds. Have you heard of that?
MT: No. I’m nervous about what the acronym stands for though [laughter].
AD: I wouldn’t know. It sounds Native American. I don’t think it’s an acronym.
MT: Killed on action, something along those lines is the first thing that pops into my head.
AD: Oh my God. You might be right. But either way, we’d camp all the way from Connecticut all the way to California.
MT: Oh, wow.
AD: Yeah. I’ve been camping my whole life and I was a Boy Scout my whole life.
MT: Were you an Eagle Scout?
AD: No. I knew you were going to ask that. No. That’s almost impossible. And I think when people really do get that, they cheat because it’s virtually impossible. You would have to—you just have to go full time making things, doing things. It just doesn’t seem possible.
MT: One of my friends has a rule for her sons. It’s no eagle, no wheels. They’re not allowed to get a car nor a license unless they earn Eagle Scout.
AD: Are you serious?
MT: I am
MT: It is. If you want wheels, then you’ve got to get Eagles.
AD: Oh, then he’ll get it. But he’ll do it by cheating [laughter]. I mean, it’s the only way you can do it. Every Eagle Scout I’ve met, and I do know a handful of them, it doesn’t seem real.
MT: Some of the ones that I know, their projects actually were quite good. One created a little bridge that still exists in Lawrence, Kansas. And some childhood friends did stuff, but—
AD: Like a walking bridge? Like a walking bridge across a creek?
MT: Yup, something like that, yup.
AD: Oh, right, right, yeah. Cool. That’s cool.
MT: It is. It is. I worked at Girl Scouts for seven-and-a-half years and—
AD: Oh, so you know what I’m talking about.
MT: I do. The girls who get Gold Award are amazing people.
AD: Oh, yeah. I wouldn’t know about Girl Scouts, but we had to—I really can’t—we would camp in the dead of winter and then be put to the test where we would have to light a fire with nothing.
MT: How’d that work for you [laughter]?
AD: I did it.
MT: You’re still alive.
AD: Well, you’d have a piece of flint. You got flint and cotton. Yeah, I did it. I was good at— I should be an Eagle Scout to be honest with you. It’s just there’s so many weird, stupid things you have to do that I wasn’t interested in.
MT: Yeah, the rules for them are pretty extreme. Now you moved around a lot when you were little? How do you think that affected you?
AD: Yeah, I did.
Yeah, it made me very, very outgoing because otherwise, I wouldn’t have any friends. I was a Navy brat. So I moved 9 times before I was 10. Like every year we moved. At first, it was traumatizing. And I’m like, “I can’t leave my best friend.” But then, every year I started saying, “When are we moving again?”
MT: [laughter] So you got used to it?
AD: I wanted to move because—
MT: Oh, to make a whole new batch of friends, or start over again, or what did you like about it?
AD: All of the above. Yeah.
MT: Did you always like to shock people?
AD: Yeah. That sounds about right. I use the word minimum people. I like to move around as their dead, their slumber. I like to wake them up out of their slumber.
MT: I think that could be part of your antics is that— I was following stuff for you for a long time and actually it was before I ever met Cathy (Carlson). And your antics are interesting and sometimes weird, but I don’t think there’s a meanness at the core. I think it’s about getting people out of a comfort zone.
AD: Yeah. Well, yeah. And yeah. Excuse me. I’m looking for my coconut water somewhere over here. Now, something to drink. Coconut water. But yeah, getting them out of themselves— I think that’s the best way to say it is waking them out of their slumber. That’s it. People are asleep. They’re dead, and I like to wake them up. And I certainly do a good job of that.
MT: [laughter] You certainly do. Well, a lot of comedians have mentioned that they really felt power the first time that they made people laugh and they realized that they had that power. Do you feel the same way?
AD: That’s a good question. Let me think and I don’t like the word power, because I don’t really care about power. No, that’s not what it is. I like that I make people feel good. I like that I take them out of their mundane, boring slumber. And I wake them up, and they have fun. It takes them out of their world. It’s not a power thing. I’m not a Harvey Weinstein, if that’s what you’re trying to get at.
MT: I’m not! Nope. His name wasn’t on my list of questions.
AD: By the way, I have Harvey’s—I’m the only one in Hollywood that has Harvey’s back. He’s just a fat, ugly troll trying to get a date. I mean, these girls— he just said, “Will you suck my dick?” and they did [chuckle]. I teach my girls that I live with, “Don’t do that. Okay. I’ll make a movie for you before you have to do anything like that.”
MT: Now, you have a son and two daughters. Is that right?
AD: Two sons, one daughter, two step-daughters, and all their boyfriends and girlfriends [laughter]. Literally, 10 people.
MT: So what advice do you give your daughters in dealing with people might do bad things to them?
AD: Oh, don’t do it. They’re so smart at this point. They’re such whippersnappers. Nothing’s ever going to happen to them. And I said, “If something does, just tell me what’s up because I’ll go and I’ll fucking kill them.”
MT: I believe it.
AD: I would.
MT: Well, what advice do you give to your sons, then, on how to treat women with respect?
AD: That one’s a little—that’s a good— you’re good. I like this. I didn’t really give them— I think they just followed by example. They can see how I love women. I love women. I have sex with—I’m the only guy in a Tori Amos concert or an Ani DiFranco or a Rickie Lee Jones concert. The only guy. And they all know me. All of them. They’re like, “Oh, hi, Andy [chuckle].”
MT: Well, I’m glad that they like you there. Tori Amos is considered Tori Goddess to many of my friends. They just love her.
AD: Oh, I love her. She’s the best. From what I know, one of her songs is about being raped. And this is what I’m trying to avoid with my kids. I don’t want them to be molested or raped, and— that’s why I think they all live with me. I didn’t ask for them to live with me [chuckle]. I think they come here for protection. But then they don’t invite me to Joshua Tree [laughter].
MT: Sometimes they need to get away. No room for Daddy. But you at least have the dogs. That’s always a plus. I have a fish [laughter].
AD: Oh, those are the dumbest pets ever.
MT: True. I’ve had a lot of bettas in my time. I go through about one every four to six months. But I like having something living in my apartment that is not always a roommate and not me and not necessarily vermin.
AD: And pretty.
MT: It’s pretty. But I like watching them swirl around.
AD: Bettas are pretty. Yeah. Oh, speaking of vermin, I used to— and I still I was going to do this again. This is why I was mad about not going out to Joshua Tree. I catch rattlesnakes, put them in aquariums in my house, and keep them as pets.
MT: Okay. That’s a little nutty.
AD: Yeah. You know what you signed up for, girl.
MT: [laughter] I did.
AD: Do you hate when I say girl? Because I said it to somebody yesterday— I called her a girl. She’s like, “Don’t call me girl.” I’m like “What—woman?” Should I say, “Woman?” “No!”
MT: It’s pretty hard to offend me. I actually think people are a little too easily offended.
AD: I do too. How old are you?
MT: I’m 42.
AD: Oh, yeah. You’re up closer to me. I’m 51. Yeah. See, you’re in my generation. The millennials are so– I can’t even understand it. I’m coming from a bad place, and I have your back, and I’ll protect you. So, relax.
MT: I always feel a little bit sorry for comedians right now. Because there’s nowhere for them to go.
AD: First of all, stop. Stop. Stop in your tracks. I’m not a comedian. I’m not that good. I just watched this guy. I literally just stopped it just now for your call. Jack Whitehall. He is so– I was crying with laughter. He’s so fucking good I can’t even describe. You just have to go see. It’s a Netflix special.
MT: Okay. What’s his take on comedy? What does he like to talk about?
AD: Jack Whitehall. Everything. And he really does skit—he reminds me of me, kind of, back in the day. Where he skirts right up to the edge. And occasionally steps a toe over the edge [laughter]. And he’s so good. And I can’t tell if he’s gay or not. But he talks about his girl. He’s just a weird one.
MT: Well people say the same thing about you. They don’t know if you’re gay or straight. You just seem to like people.
AD: Yeah, exactly. I have nine boyfriends.
AD: And three girlfriends. So the boys are outnumbering the girls right now, I guess. But, you know.
MT: Are you dating nine boyfriends right now?
AD: Right now. No, right now.
AD: But where are they? That’s my point. Where are they?
MT: I think you need to say, “I was abandoned for Joshua Tree. Come keep me company.”
AD: Yeah, one of them though—I can’t say it. One of them is in Joshua Tree. Nope. I’m not going to say it. I’m not going to say it.
AD: I can’t. Only because my boyfriends mostly they don’t want people to know. You know?
MT: Oh. Okay. But are you a monogamous kind of guy? Do you prefer one on one or more?
AD: Mm-hmm. Yeah, one on one. Yeah, I’m George Michael. One on one [laughter]. Remember that song?
MT: Yeah, I do. I didn’t realize the meaning of it until later [laughter]. But, no. I miss George Michael. I wish he was still around.
AD: I think he was about our age he is, he is. All of them are dropping like flies, they’re dropping like flies.
MT: Robert Guilluame just died today, that’s sad.
AD: He did?
MT: Yeah, he was 89
AD: But he was old, he must of have been 85.
MT: 89, yeah, it was a good run but—
AD: Yeah, that was a good run.
MT: You could live to 104 and it’s still not enough time.
AD: Never enough time. Wow, nobody told me that, mostly people text me when people die. They love to text me when somebody dies, almost as if to say, “You’re next [laughter].”
MT: That’s one of my Dad’s special gifts, he has a talent for remembering how old celebrities were when they died, when they died, where they died and that kind of stuff. It’s his little dorky part of the information that he always knows.
AD: Wow, how old’s he?
AD: Well, I’ll try to remember his age when– because he’s next [laughter].
MT: I hope not, I really hope not.
AD: Well, he is 73. Come on?
MT: And my Mom’s 80.
AD: No, shit?
MT: They’re going on 50 years of marriage which is going to be interesting, they haven’t killed each other yet.
AD: That’s amazing.
MT: It is.
AD: That’s amazing, I love that!
MT: They’re quite happy.
AD: Hey, I do want that, I do want that, I want one— and I don’t care if it’s a girl or a guy, one girl or one guy and just—can I just sit with you and watch Forensic Files and fuck.
MT: That’s good, Chris Rock likes to joke that if you don’t eat well together and you don’t sleep well together, then why are you together? So, tell me a little bit about your college years, because I bet those were crazy.
AD: Yeah, they were. I auditioned for the Goodman School of Drama, and we knew I was going to get in because I’m good at what I do even back then. I just have a natural— I can act, but I start this monologue for the audition to get in, I blanked out, I just blanked, and said, “Can I please start again?” And that phrase pretty much they were done, “You can go home now you ain’t getting into our school?.” And I didn’t, so I didn’t get into the Goodman School of Drama in Chicago.
MT: But you ended up going to school with Cathy Carlson?
AD: Yeah, yeah, well no, but first I went Illinois Wesleyan which was a conservatory for actors, nine people, there were nine of us in this conservatory and then this big professor, the head guy, had a done a bit part on the Brady Bunch.
So this, wait. So I’m being taught by a guy that had one tiny part on the Brady Bunch once, this ain’t working out for me [laughter]. And then, I had a girlfriend named Kathy Rubino and that went to the University of Illinois, and I just transferred to go be with her, and that’s where I met Cathy Carlson. Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy was performing there back in the– this was like 1984, Eddie Murphy was performing at our college– university, university, [inaudible]. What was that? It was the University of Illinois, U of I.
MT: This was before he was on Saturday Night Live and before Delirious?
AD: No, it was during it, he was big, he was already getting big and we went to see the show. I saw the show and then they got invited to go to the after-party, and then I sat out in the alley waiting for them, because they didn’t want guys in there.
AD: But Cathy talked to Eddie and said, “My friend is out there, could you please let him in? He’s just sitting out there in the cold.” And he did, came out and got me. Anyways, they brought me in, and then I hung out all night with Eddie Murphy when I was— I think I was actually 18, yeah, 18.
MT: Did you like him?
AD: Yeah, he was super cool, super sweet, till this day I still email him, from that meeting. We became friends and I’ve known him. He didn’t put me in a—then, let’s cut to years later, with The Nutty Professor. And I’m auditioning for The Nutty Professor for the part of a scientist— I don’t even remember. With Brian Grazer. You know him?
MT: Yeah! Love him!
AD: You know him, right?
MT: Of course! His hair, everything. Imagine.
AD: Yeah, that hair, like— do something with that, please. It would be better if he just shaved it off. But him and Ron Howard— and I auditioned for him too.
MT: Did Eddie remember you? Was he involved in the process at all?
AD: Well, I think that he was the one that got me in there. But Brian was the one that was like, “I can’t deal with this guy.” I remember being very talkative.
MT: I can’t see you not ever being very talkative.
AD: To the point where he literally said, “I need to just lay down, take a quick nap [laughter].” No, I’m not kidding! He did. And I’m like, “Okay, fine.” But I followed him and sat next to his little couch and kept talking. Like an idiot.
MT: Well, that’s a live and learn moment. What was your first paid gig?
AD: It was a stupid movie I did. Well, my first big one was Dennis Hopper. Yeah, it was a movie called Flashback with Dennis Hopper, Kiefer Southerland. And I had a small part. I woke up thinking about this today, which is weird. And it’s called Flashback. And I did this scene in Colorado Springs— Carole Kane was in it. She’s on that new– the Kimmy Schmidt.
MT: Oh, no, she’s just fabulous.
AD: Yeah, she’s the best.
MT: I loved her in Princess Bride and Scrooged.
AD: Oh, she’s the best. She’s the best. She’s the best. I can’t even believe this happened to me. I cried when this happened. I got the job– we went out to Colorado Springs, did the scene with Dennis Hopper, and then Carole Kane came up to me and said, “Dennis Hopper said you’re the next best American actor we have.”
MT: That’s a great compliment.
AD: I know! It’s almost unbelievable. Then I had a threesome with this guy and this girl, which, to me, that’s—I love it. Drank all night with Kiefer Southerland. Went up to my room and had a threesome, not with Kiefer, but this other guy and this other girl. I didn’t even know what was going to— then, I was crying on the way home on the airplane.
AD: Because I was so happy. I couldn’t believe it. But then they called me back and said, “They like you so much, they’re going to fly you back out and they’re going to expand your scenes.”
MT: Talk about a good compliment!
AD: No, this story’s about to go south, though.
AD: So they fly me out. I do another more expanded scene, just me and Dennis Hopper, okay? A nice expanded thick scene. It’s seven pages which is a lot in a movie for a young, first-time actor with Dennis Hopper. Are you kidding me? And then I go to the premiere, and I’m completely cut out.
MT: Oh. Bummer. But you still got the experience and the story, and you got paid for it, too, so there are some silver linings.
AD: You’re such a positive—so did you say you have kids?
MT: No. No. I don’t have kids. I’m not married.
AD: Are you a lezzie?
MT: Nope. Not either. Just picky and okay on my own.
AD: That’s more than you can say about me. I’m not picky, and I’m not okay on my own.
MT: Well, how do you remedy that? Do you try and meet people that have shared an interest?
AD: I don’t know. I’m going to CKY tonight at the Wiltern Theater. Do you know that band?
MT: What is CKY? Sorry.
AD: It’s a club. I hang out with a lot of millennials. They can take their fucking Joshua Tree and shove it up their fucking asses because I’m going to be at the Wiltern Theater seeing a band that they grew up with that they love. Backstage with them. I’m serious.
MT: Well, that’s a plus [laughter]. Well, and you won’t be alone. That’s a good thing.
AD: Oh, my God. I can’t wait. I can’t believe they ducked out like that.
MT: Well, again, everyone sometimes needs a break, but it would always have been nice to have been invited. I’m sorry you weren’t.
AD: Yeah. I’m the exact opposite of that. I’m not exclusive. I don’t like to exclude anybody. I’m inclusive, and I like to include everybody. If I’m doing something fun, you can all come. Come on. Let’s go.
MT: That’s how I roll, too.
AD: They went camping and they know I love camping. Fucking bitches. Now, I’m getting angry.
MT: Let’s move you to something that I think is a happy story. Tell me about your time on The Ben Stiller Show.
AD: I was doing theater for very few people. Sometimes there were only three people in the audience, but one of those times, one of those three people was Ben Stiller.
MT: You’re kidding.
AD: I’m not kidding.
MT: I love his parents, too. I mean, talk about Hollywood royalty. I love them.
AD: Yeah. They’re great. I was just talking to Amy Stiller today. She’s going to be on the panel of that thing that we’re talking about right now, that Everybody Has an Andy Dick Story.
MT: Oh. Cool. So Ben was in the audience?
AD: Wait. Are you going to be there?
AD: Well, Amy Stiller is going to be on the panel. He’s in the audience and he just heard me. The end. Okay. Can we be done with the interview? It’s getting hot. I’m sweating. And I’m dying.
MT: Well, you can just—
AD: And I’m dying. Do you want me to die during this interview?
MT: No. I want you to be very happy during this interview. I’d love to talk to you some more though. I do have more questions. Let me know what you want to do ’cause I don’t want to—
AD: Well, it’s been an hour.
MT: No. It’s been 30 minutes.
AD: Okay. I’ll do—I think we’re through. I just feel I’m just— I don’t know why I’m sweating. Yeah. This is weird, but I just started smoking. I always told my kids, “Don’t ever smoke.”
MT: Well, did it help you?
AD: Yeah, it’s just that—I smoke like a weird— my friend Paul Rider, he’s in the Happy Mondays punk band. He’s been around for 30 years. He’s my roommate, actually. He makes fun of me. That’s how he does it. Because I don’t really inhale it. It’s not marijuana. It’s cigarettes. And I get the good— I get the American Spirit. I tried one one night and it’s good. And I just have one. And now, it’s weirdly—what it’s called? Psychological or it’s reverse psychology. Or like, “Hey. Look at me I’m smoking—” are you smoking because they’re all smoking. After all of my lectures on smoking, they all smoke. Mama used to– oh, you know what? You guys were right the whole time [laughter]. I love it.
MT: Now, Andy, in no way do I want to make you uncomfortable and keep doing longer than you want to. But I have lots of questions for you and I hope you’re having a good time.
AD: I might need to start walking to get some American Spirits.
MT: Okay. Can we talk while you walk or does that not work?
AD: Hi, puppy. How are you doing, puppy? You’re doing good because you’re a good puppy. You’re a good pup.
MT: You do not drive?
AD: I ride my bike. I like to ride my bike.
MT: I have a question you may not like, and I promise I won’t print it if you don’t want me to.
AD: No. I’m an open book, kid. I don’t get offended. I’m going to love it.
MT: Okay. Well, what is your drug of choice? Or actually, to get this started. Are you sober now?
AD: I am on medication. And I’m going to leave it at that.
MT: Sure thing.
AD: And I don’t do drugs. I don’t do pills, don’t do drugs. My goddamned fucking roommate for two years at the rehab I was sober for two goddamned years.
MT: That was not your best joke, by the way. I was good at getting sober [laughter].
AD: Yeah, I know. I know. But he killed himself, kid.
MT: Oh, God, that’s awful.
AD: Yeah. He was here in my house, right where I’m sitting. I’m sitting right in my kitchen. He was right here, right in front of me. And I said– I went up one inch from his nose and said, “Just don’t do heroin.” And two days later, he was dead.
MT: From heroin?
MT: That one seems to be, you do it once and you could die instantly.
AD: I don’t do it. So, I don’t do that. I don’t do anything. I don’t do pills. I occasionally dip in—if somebody has a little bump of cocaine and I need to wake up, I might do that. But that’s like coffee to me. I’ll just do a bump; I won’t do rails. I’m going to put you on speaker.
MT: Please do.
AD: Yeah, because I have to do–
MT: Do whatever you need to do. I’m just glad you’re keeping the call going. I’m enjoying talking to you; I already knew I would. And I have so much stuff that I want to know. I think you’re an interesting guy!
AD: I wish you could see the view in front of me—Oh! I told you I have two dogs and two little kittens, but there’s also one adult cat that I’m looking at right now [laughter]. There you are, little kitty.
MT: What color is she?
MT: Ah. Got to love the gingers. So, I’ve got to ask you: Why is The Andy Dick Show not on the air? I missed it. What can we do to get it back?
AD: Well, it’s— no, Peony, you can’t come out, Sweetie. No. Peony, Peony, Sweetie. All right, go! Okay. Okay. Music. Back in the day, you could do 37 seconds of any song that was ever on MTV.
MT: Okay. 37 seconds. It’s not a lot, but then you would not need to not worry about royalties and stuff like that?
AD: Yeah. But then things changed. It was before DVDs. Then when DVDs came out and they were ready to — I’m walking in my neighborhood now. I can’t believe I’m a smoker—But I’m not a real smoker. I really just puff it. You know, you just get a little in your mouth and you still get that nicotine high.
MT: And it works?
AD: You’re a good interviewer because you leave spaces. You’re good.
MT: Oh, thank you!
AD: So, let me give you props on that. You’re good. I always complain about the people when they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing [laughter]. But you do. You’re good.
MT: Well, sometimes I jump over people. Sometimes I’ll jump over you. But it’s not because I’m not listening. Actually, though, I recently interviewed someone whose spacing was so off, I never knew how to time something. They would have pauses in unnatural places, and I never knew where to go.
AD: Who was it? Who?
MT: It was one of the doctors that I interviewed for a health piece.
AD: Well, he’s a fucking doctor. That’s why.
MT: Well, you know my Dad’s a shrink and I actually asked him some questions that I should have asked you.
AD: Your dad? How old is he again?
AD: And he had questions for me?
MT: Yeah, I told him I was interviewing you, and we are fans—
AD: Really? He knows me?
MT: He knows who you are. He knows you more from your antics. I showed him the trailer for Kathy’s movie, but he did see you previously. He’s kind of a hip old guy.
AD: Like him already. Tell me, what’d he say?
MT: Well, this was one of his questions that I thought was an interesting one, is that because you have a history of addiction, you’re so high-functioning, why do you feel the need to become sober?
AD: To not die [laughter]. The end. I literally— I woke up this morning thinking, ” I need to relax a little bit again.” I need—when’s my cut off point? I think of little watermarks of when I’m going to be cut off. Or when I cut off myself? Oh, my gosh, it’s so beautiful— absolutely beautiful. I’m just a bum. I can’t approach her.
MT: It’s funny, I almost always see you in suits so I was curious to know what you like to wear?
AD: Oh, you would not like to see what I’m wearing now. I’m wearing a pair of sweatpants that I cut off with scissors because it’s hot. I’m wearing a Paul Frank t-shirt with that monkey on it. I’m wearing these Birkenstocks I got. I don’t remember where the place is. I told you I’m a new smoker. I just started smoking two weeks ago.
MT: And bodegas are usually on corners, but that is in New York.
AD: What’d you say? Oh, yeah, bodegas. I know bodegas, but we don’t have them here. I’m looking for the 7-Eleven.
MT: Their tacos are really good.
AD: Shoot. I hate being out in public, you know?
MT: But you tried hard to keep your kids from smoking? And now you are smoking.
AD: No. I don’t smoke. I told you I just puff on it. A girl just drove by that’s what distracted me, a hot girl.
MT: That does it every time.
AD: I stuck my thumb out like I’m a 1975 hitchhiker.
MT: And they didn’t stop?
AD: Well, she didn’t see me [laughter].
MT: Do you still perform? I love your—
AD: I normally would ride my bike but you’re making stay on the phone so I can’t do— can’t ride the bike and talk on the phone.
MT: I’m glad we’re—
AD: I think we’re getting the Santa Ana’s but— oh, that’s — I just found a pencil rolling down the street. Shit, my agent’s calling me.
MT: I’m impressed that people still use pencils.
AD: I got to call him— I got to pick up real quick.
MT: Okay. [Silence]