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It Takes a Worried Man
by Brendan Halpin
humorous and moving memoir - based on a husband's experiences when his wife is diagnosed with breast cancer
First up, It Takes A Worried Man, by Brendan Halpin. Having read and, thoroughly enjoyed Halpin's newest book (Losing My Faculties: a humorous, slightly skewed view about what kind of characteristics emerge when you find yourself drawn to the teaching profession), I went back and took a look at his earlier work. It Takes A Worried Man was Halpin's first book, a moving memoir about the day-to-day dilemmas you face when confronted with a debilitating disease.
In Haplin's case, his wife is diagnosed (at the ridiculously young age of 32) with breast cancer. Over the course of a year, (what will be the worst year of their lives) Halpin drags us along on the torturous “spouse with cancer roller coaster.” Along the way, he spares his fellow riders, himself, and his readers from very little and while he recognizes that he is not, in fact, the one with cancer, he is able to relate – with precise and brutal honesty – the costs of this particular ride.
Dealing with cancer is a constant force in your life – if you have it, you – and all of those around you: your family, friends and coworkers – are all dealing with it every single day.
Halpin's inability to be proactive in his wife's care shows itself in various ways: his sudden obsession with any sort of electronic means of diversion; his short-tempered reaction to a boring meeting; even his new enthusiasm for gory, B-movies in which death (in various zombie forms) gets the shit kicked out of it. Even the title of the book, takes its name from a song that Halpin feels connected to now – mournful and tragic.
Perhaps what keeps this memoir from becoming one of those frustratingly perfect ‘triumph over cancer through positive living' tomes, is the fact that Halpin's description of the cancer experience is real. It's funny, it's disgusting, it's painful, it's frightening, it's paralyzing, it's unbelievable, and it's real. Unlike the majority of those books whose only goal is to inspire people to beat their cancer – (these books are a valuable resource, and if you are looking for an interesting one I recommend The Victoria's Secret Catalog Never Stops Coming and Other Lessons I Learned From Having Breast Cancer, by Jennie Nash), but I often wonder if they portray a completely realistic expectation of what any individual person is capable. When you have a serious illness (and even when you don't), there are days when you wake up and you just don't feel like you will be able to overcome it. There are days when you are frustrated, angry, or full of self-pity. Every living person has bad days and, while it is true that you should try not to dwell too long in that land of negativity, it is also true (and essential to remember) that those days happen.
Halpin validates the true experiences of people who are facing serious difficulties by not omitting or glossing over the bad days that happen.
One example of Halpin's honesty is shown through his annoyance at a television commercial. In this commercial, an older man, whose wife is facing a lumpectomy, is talking about his fear, the difficulty of having this cancer diagnosis, when Halpin's basic response is “What do you have to complain about? Look at all the time you've had together – my wife is young, and she is dying NOW! So shut up!” The authentic anger and fear the narrative conveys is heartbreaking. How often have you heard someone else ranting about their bad day and thought, “Well, that's nothing. Wait till you hear what happened to me today!” The humanity of his remark is not to be underestimated.
Halpin refuses to sugarcoat anything – from his disgust of his downstairs neighbor, to his inability to understand his mother,. Above all, Halpin is realistic about his own shortcomings. In the book, he details the unexpected uprisings of his inner selfish nature; his guilt for enjoying his time at work (for him, his only escape from the day-to-day cancer life); and the total of all of his often conflicting emotions - annoyance at being cared for one day, hurt when not being watched after the next.
Halpin's ability to remain truthful in the face of painful realities enables the reader to not just experience what it is like to be a cancer patient's spouse, but it also provides valuable insight into what it means to be a spouse, father, man or person. If you care for the people around you, you assume a larger risk than you might expect. Halpin shows that it is about living in an atmosphere of constant fear - fear that you might lose someone who has become invaluable to you. It is about trying to understand the real experiences of another human being. It is about trying to remain connected to the people you love, in the face of extreme difficulties. It is also about finding humor in the darkest days – and most unexpected places - of your life.
As Halpin so brilliantly illustrates in the genuine ending to his book, it's about being able to live every day as best you can. Even if, perhaps particularly, if all you can do that day is be spiteful and mean.
Title: It Takes a Worried Man
Author: Brendan Halpin
Publisher: Random House, Inc
ISBN: 0812966872
Review written by: SleepyLil
Reviewer's Rating:9
Reader's Rating: 10.00
Reader's Votes: 1
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