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Not
by Shirley Glass, Ph.D. with Jean Coppock Staeheli
The bible on infidelity.
“Good people in good marriages are having affairs. Well-intentioned people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly forming deep, passionate connections before they realize that they've crossed the line that separates platonic friendship from romantic love. Today's workplace and the Internet have become the new danger zones of attraction and opportunity – the most fertile breeding grounds for affairs.”
So says Dr. Shirley Glass in her new book, Not “Just Friends”. A therapist and one of the world's leading experts on infidelity, Dr. Glass puts her experience into print chronicling “the human story of what occurs before, during, and after the trauma of betrayal.”
By her definition, infidelity is any clandestine “sexual, romantic, or emotional involvement that violates commitment to an exclusive relationship,” and in the book she shows how none of the aforementioned are ever innocent.
Recently, Dr. Glass has noticed that it is not thrill seekers who have affairs, but people who have friendships that seem to start out innocently enough while all the while the signs of crossing the line into infidelity are present, if only one cares to look for them.
The resulting affair not only puts enormous emotional strain on the individual's marriage and partner, but often on the individual themselves as they deal with the guilt of having an affair.
Meanwhile, the passion of an affair is often short-lived. Studies have found that only 10 percent of those who leave a marriage partner will go on to marry an affair partner, and of those, 75 percent end up getting divorced from their affair partner, as well.
And recovering from an affair is no easy endeavour, since the recovery plan Dr. Glass uses with her clients is similar to those used for natural disasters, war, accidents and violence.
In a nutshell, Dr. Glass says, “In a love affair, the unfaithful partner has built a wall to shut out the marriage partner and has opened a window to let in the affair partner. To reestablish a marriage that is intimate and trusting after an affair, the walls and windows must be reconstructed to conform to the safety code and keep the structure of the marriage sound so that it can withstand the test of time.”
Her book includes quizzes to help you determine if one of your – or your partner's – friendships has crossed the line into infidelity, or if one of your relationships with an online correspondent has strayed into romance.
Dr. Glass seems to have thought of everything, including the difference between “irrational jealousy and rational jealousy.” She even offers advice on what to do if you know a friend or relative is having an affair.
These days, the Internet seems to present a considerable threat for, as Dr. Glass points out, “Emotional intimacy quickly develops on the Internet because freedom from distractions and lack of social constraints promote a form of free association that allows you to say anything that comes to mind.”
Dr. Glass has written the bible on infidelity in Not “Just Friends,” explaining how to prevent an affair or, if one has occurred, how to heal emotionally. For those whose lives have been touched by an affair, Dr. Glass walks us through the difficult recovery process step-by-step.
Title: Not
Author: Shirley Glass, Ph.D. with Jean Coppock Staeheli
Publisher: Free Press
ISBN: 074322549X
Review written by: Marc Duane Anderson
Reviewer's Rating:9
Reader's Rating: 10.00
Reader's Votes: 2
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