It is a continual source of frustration for anyone parenting a teenager-? how do you get them to talk to you instead of grunting one-word answers? According to parenting expert Michael Riera, letting your teenager establish his independence doesn't have to mean he becomes a stranger. His latest book, Staying Connected to Your Teenager, tells us both why and how.
Staying connected can have definite advantages beyond the obvious. One study showed that an emotional connection with their parents significantly delayed the onset of sexual activity in adolescent girls; and despite the fact they are becoming more self-sufficient, teenagers need their parent's guidance when it comes to negotiating the rapids of life, if they are to do so successfully.
Riera's prescription for connecting to your teenager isn't always easy to swallow. For one thing, he recommends you sacrifice sleep by staying up past midnight to talk to your teenager, because that is the best time to have a 'deep' conversation with a teenager - but throughout the course of the book he does give us an enlightened look at those strange creatures we call teenagers. For one thing, they have a vastly different sleep-wake cycle from that of adults, and have the most energy late at night, which would explain why they sleep in till noon, whenever they have a chance.
And even if you can take the late hours, there are other pitfalls along the way. When you finally get your teenager to open up to you, you might find that the next day she has 'an emotional hangover",? she's worried that she told you too much, and is kicking herself for doing so. To hedge their distance, they'll sometimes drop a bombshell,? something they mention in a nonchalant way as if it were a weather forecast, when to you it is nothing less than earth shattering (like they've decided to drop out of school, or something to that effect),? and then leave the room.
According to Riera, teenagers often use their parents as a proving ground. If your teenager hurls profanities at you, it might be because subconsciously he needs to know how to react when he has to endure the same behavior from his peers. And when your teenager coughs up something controversial, such as her previously unknown views on politics, she's just showing off now that she has graduated to abstract thinking. Although her views might differ from your own, she wants you to notice and respect that she has done a very mature thing by formulating an opinion.
At other times, Riera advocates helping your teenager transition from abstract to concrete thinking, so that they are able to think in practical terms when it comes to important issues like how to resist peer pressure about alcohol or drug use.
The author also tells us, you shouldn't be distraught if your interaction with your teenager is fraught with peril because they know how to push your buttons. 'In these situations,' he writes, 'you simply do your best not to overreact. And then, after you've overreacted, you clean up what you've added to the mess. Conflict is never comforting, but depending on its flavor and your response, it can bring the two of you closer.'
Riera shares how to communicate effectively with teenagers by asking them meaningful questions about their lives and activities, but at other times his advice would seem to resemble game-playing, as when he suggests that if your teenager has a friend that is a bad influence you should tiptoe around the issue and use reverse psychology by saying the opposite of what you want to say, hoping that your teenager will be able to put two and two together himself. Other questionable advice includes Riera's suggestion that you develop a code phrase that when uttered by your teenager means you are to rescue her from a peer pressure situation, instead of teaching assertiveness skills that could help her handle the situation herself, thereby gaining self-esteem and the respect of her peers.
But most of what Riera has to say is both useful and insightful, including a detailed explanation of how gender differences affect the father/son relationship (read: rebellion) during adolescence, and how these are the roots of conflict between fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, and so on.
On the whole, Riera's book puts things into perspective and shows you how to stay involved in your teenager's life while they are spreading their wings.
Marc Duane Anderson
Staying Connected to Your Teenager
It is a continual source of frustration for anyone parenting a teenager-? how do you get them to talk to you instead of grunting one-word answers? According to parenting expert Michael Riera, letting your teenager establish his independence doesn't have to mean he becomes a stranger. His latest book, Staying Connected to Your Teenager, tells us both why and how.
Staying connected can have definite advantages beyond the obvious. One study showed that an emotional connection with their parents significantly delayed the onset of sexual activity in adolescent girls; and despite the fact they are becoming more self-sufficient, teenagers need their parent's guidance when it comes to negotiating the rapids of life, if they are to do so successfully.
Riera's prescription for connecting to your teenager isn't always easy to swallow. For one thing, he recommends you sacrifice sleep by staying up past midnight to talk to your teenager, because that is the best time to have a 'deep' conversation with a teenager - but throughout the course of the book he does give us an enlightened look at those strange creatures we call teenagers. For one thing, they have a vastly different sleep-wake cycle from that of adults, and have the most energy late at night, which would explain why they sleep in till noon, whenever they have a chance.
And even if you can take the late hours, there are other pitfalls along the way. When you finally get your teenager to open up to you, you might find that the next day she has 'an emotional hangover",? she's worried that she told you too much, and is kicking herself for doing so. To hedge their distance, they'll sometimes drop a bombshell,? something they mention in a nonchalant way as if it were a weather forecast, when to you it is nothing less than earth shattering (like they've decided to drop out of school, or something to that effect),? and then leave the room.
According to Riera, teenagers often use their parents as a proving ground. If your teenager hurls profanities at you, it might be because subconsciously he needs to know how to react when he has to endure the same behavior from his peers. And when your teenager coughs up something controversial, such as her previously unknown views on politics, she's just showing off now that she has graduated to abstract thinking. Although her views might differ from your own, she wants you to notice and respect that she has done a very mature thing by formulating an opinion.
At other times, Riera advocates helping your teenager transition from abstract to concrete thinking, so that they are able to think in practical terms when it comes to important issues like how to resist peer pressure about alcohol or drug use.
The author also tells us, you shouldn't be distraught if your interaction with your teenager is fraught with peril because they know how to push your buttons. 'In these situations,' he writes, 'you simply do your best not to overreact. And then, after you've overreacted, you clean up what you've added to the mess. Conflict is never comforting, but depending on its flavor and your response, it can bring the two of you closer.'
Riera shares how to communicate effectively with teenagers by asking them meaningful questions about their lives and activities, but at other times his advice would seem to resemble game-playing, as when he suggests that if your teenager has a friend that is a bad influence you should tiptoe around the issue and use reverse psychology by saying the opposite of what you want to say, hoping that your teenager will be able to put two and two together himself. Other questionable advice includes Riera's suggestion that you develop a code phrase that when uttered by your teenager means you are to rescue her from a peer pressure situation, instead of teaching assertiveness skills that could help her handle the situation herself, thereby gaining self-esteem and the respect of her peers.
But most of what Riera has to say is both useful and insightful, including a detailed explanation of how gender differences affect the father/son relationship (read: rebellion) during adolescence, and how these are the roots of conflict between fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, and so on.
On the whole, Riera's book puts things into perspective and shows you how to stay involved in your teenager's life while they are spreading their wings.
