- Special Features
- Blogs & Columns
- Fun & Games
Stephen Colbert kicked off last night’s report with a flashback to the Arab Springs movement. “It was a traumatic time for Egyptians and an even more traumatic time for the bathroom in the Tahrir Square Hardees,” he said.
Colbert proceeded to probe today’s two most pressing questions: who is Egypt’s president, and is Mubarak actually dead?
When a state-run Middle East news agency in Cairo reported that the former president was dead on Wednesday; the network later reported that he was in a coma and “doing better.”
“The fact that he was dead this week really has me worried about his health,” Colbert said.
But who cares about oppressive Middle Eastern regimes when there are more pressing threats facing Americans? Like black-tie wearing, krill sucking creeps who’ve turned Antarctica into one giant swinger party. A recently unearthed report form 1915 on the sexual behavior of penguins reveals that these animals engage in “auto-erotic behavior, sexual abuse, coercion, and homosexual acts.” Guess that explains why there’s no blooper reel for March of the Penguins.
The second most imminent threat? Stoner babies. Recent studies reveal that some brands of soap trigger positive results on prenatal tests for marijuana. These soaps contain THC…which explains why potheads have impeccable hygiene.
So what’s the biggest threat facing Americans? Recent news reports reveal that more Americans are crushed by furniture each year than are killed by terrorists. Folks, this means it’s time to get tough: let’s crack down on this terrorist furniture before it tyrannizes civilians across the globe!
Terrorist threats aside, Colbert’s primary concern this week was campaigning for operation artificial Swedener, threatening to cut off diplomatic relations with the nation if he isn’t given control of the account by next week. He then made one last case appeal to the Scandinavian nation. Along with a team of enthusiastic backup singers, Colbert belted out “Take a Chance on Me,” imploring Sweden to hand over the reigns to its Twitter account.
In the final segment of the show, Colbert sat down with cosmologist Lawrence Krauss, who recently authored a book called A Universe from Nothing, which argues that the universe was created spontaneously without the assistance of a deity.
So how can something come from nothing? Krauss elaborated on the concept of empty space, arguing that “emptiness” is actually a brew of virtual particles popping in and out of existence, possessing actual weight.
“You may have learned in school that gravity sucks but it doesn’t,” Krauss said. “Empty space is repulsive, which explains why the universe is expanding.”
According to Krauss, this revised model allows scientists to explain why universes and time can pop into existence where they didn’t exist before.
“So why does what you’re saying have to be an attack on my god?” Colbert asked.
“All I’m saying is that we don’t’ need him,” Krauss responded, admitting that he is an atheist.
“But if he is nothing, can’t something come from him?” Colbert asked.