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“I want to thank some of you for joining us because some of you are not welcome at all,” Stephen Colbert announced at the top of last night’s report.
Much to Colbert’s dismay, the Supreme Court struck down three of four provisions of Arizona’s SB1070 law – the state’s attempt to implement its own immigration policy to supersede the federal government’s immigration policy having no immigration policy.
Justice Antonin Scalia issued a scathing dissent, arguing that Arizona could not be criticized for enforcing portions of the Immigrant Act that the federal government refuses to enforce.
Colbert agreed, continuing that the state should be given more latitude altogether. “Arizona should have it’s own standing military, it’s own currency, it’s own space program, and its own debts to China.”
Colbert then moved on to his acclaimed segment, Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger. His first wag was issued at Pixar’s Latest flick, Brave, the story of a princess who rejects the suitors her parents have appointed and forges her own path. “Any 15-year-old girl who resists an arranged marriage has gotta be gay,” he said.
He tipped his hat, however, at a recent study from the Journal of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine (reputable title) establishing that the global adult population is nearly 17 million tons overweight. America is the largest contributor to this staggering figure. “Listen up Bangladesh!” Colbert said. “Yo mama’s so skinny, when she sits around the house, she fits comfortably in every chair. You gotta eat.”
He issued one last wag at the PC police, who have declared a new line of Addidas sneakers with rubber shackles to be offensive, reminding black Americans of slavery. “Would you rather have G-Washington Carvers that have soles made of peanut butter?” he asked.
Indeed, it seems that Colbert might need all the zany products he can get his hands on, PC or not. Dish network is coming out with a new feature called Auto-Hop that allows customers to skip commercials altogether.
This means bad news for program hosts like Colbert, “Without revenue from advertisements, hardworking TV people like me will have to do more product placement to put food on the table,” he lamented. “Not just any food – Kentucky Fried Chicken.”
Colbert anticipates a battle royale between viewers and advertisers. It won’t be long before networks need to take sides . . . like flaky biscuits, Colonel Sanders’ mashed potatoes, and finger lickin’ gravy!
In the final segment, Colbert sat down with novelist Richard Ford to discuss his most recent work, Canada. If you put it on your shelf, it’ll apologize to your other books!
“I am offended,” Colbert declared. “You are a great American novelist. Why not call it America?”
Ford went on to explain that the work isn’t purely about our northern neighbors – it’s about a family who robs a bank, and the daughter is smuggled across the border into Canada.
“The year after W was elected, I drove across the border and felt the world lift off me,” Ford said. “There was something saving and tolerating and wonderful about Canada.”