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John Stewart began last night’s The Daily Show with the latest installment of his new tragicomic series, Democalypse 2012. This particular episode, entitled “Clash of the Titans,” explored Obama and Romney’s efforts to raise lots of sweet money for their respective campaigns.
Since becoming president, Obama has held an astonishing 150 fundraisers – more than double President Bush’s number during his first term.
However, as Stewart pointed out, Obama doesn’t have the luxury of running against John Kerry.
And Romney’s wealthiest supporters sure aren’t stingy with their pocketbooks; these good ol’ boys are makin’ it rain. For example, business magnate and media tycoon Sheldon Adelson is donating $10 million to a pro-Romney Super PAC.
So how can Obama catch up? Stewart offered a novel solution, declaring, “You need to monetize this presidency!” Wouldn’t the state of the Union be particularly refreshing with a crisp, cool class of Coca-Cola?
Or what about striking up a deal with General Mills to launch a new sugar-laden cereal by the name of Seal Team Trix?
Or maybe Obama could capitalize on that velvety voice and throw together a CD of his greatest hits, including a few of his numerous singles like “Let’s Stay Together,” “Sweet Home Chicago,” “Let’s Stay Together (remix)” and “Call Me Maybe.”
As Stewart pointed out, given the number of humiliating things politicians have to do if they want to become president, why the heck would anyone want the job? Perhaps for the, er, special perks.
Stewart then turned his attention to the story that’s been dominating national news networks - Obama’s “kill list.”
Politicians and pundits on both sides of the aisle have expressed surprise and outrage that Obama appears to have given himself the final word in a top-secret nomination process that enables him to decide who dies next.
But the American people need not fear. The administration insists that this policy has strategies built-in to minimize civilian casualties. Such as making up a totally new definition for the word “civilian.”
Recent news reports reveal that all military males killed within area of drone strike are classified as “enemy combatants.” Crafty, Barack. Crafty indeed.
So who let the cat out of the bag and why? Some critics have suggested that this classified information was leaked for the sole purpose of making Obama look good.
Stewart scoffed at this accusation, saying, “If there were information that President Obama has a secret program to answer every child’s letter to Santa – that makes him look good! This doesn’t.”
In the final segment of the show, Stewart sat down with actress Maggie Gyllenhaal, whose latest project, Hysteria, is a movie chronicling the invention of the vibrator in Victorian England. “Women would go to the doctor with symptoms of what they called hysteria, and their doctors would give them orgasms,” Gyllenhaal explained.
In an attempt to dodge the topic, Stewart changed streams midway through the conversation. “How’s your brother?” he asked.
But while Stewart may not have been excited at the prospect of discussing the female orgasm at length, his audience seemed particularly aroused last night. The moment Gyllenhaal mentioned vibrators, the audience erupted into thunderous applause. A few minutes later while discussing motherhood, Gyllenhaal said, “I’m usually covered in milk.” Once again, audience members cheered like crazy.
Stewart declared, “You’ve just created so many new fan sites.”