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“Barack Obama just doesn’t seem American to me,” Stephen Colbert declared at the top of last night’s report. “And Mitt Romney agrees with me.”
And in an attempt to ensure that our great nation isn’t misrepresented by our commie pinko, foreign-born president, Romney has embarked on a goodwill tour of the U.K., Israel and Poland to set the record straight. First stop: London, where Romney will attempt to salvage America’s connection with Britain.
The campaign stated, “We have an Anglo-Saxon heritage, and Romney feels that this special relationship is special.”
Critics have accused Romney of implying that whiteness or “waspishness” is integral to being American.
But Colbert was quick to jump to the presidential hopeful’s defense: “They’re not saying he’s white or protestant. They’re just saying he’s an ‘as.’”
Colbert went on to discuss Obama’s latest faux pas – his admission that successful business owners probably had help along the way from investors or the government.
“ The only accomplishments I value are ones I create entirely by myself,” Colbert said. “That’s why I’m not that crazy about my children.”
To dispel the notion that he relies on a team of scriptwriters and technicians, Colbert vowed to do the rest of the show sans assistance – using only his desk lamp and iPhone. As the lights went out, Colbert launched into this week’s “The Word.”
“Relying on other people is overrated,” he declared, slowly scribbling “Like instagram,” on a whiteboard.
“Anyone who relies on the help of the government is a parasite.”
But as Colbert was attempting to write another message, he choked on the cap of his whiteboard marker.
“Choking,” he scribbled. “Help.”
Good thing the crew had stuck around long enough to administer the Heimlich.
Once Colbert dislodged the pen cap from his throat, he announced that the rest of the crew would be returning to the show for undisclosed reasons.
In the show’s final segment, Colbert sat down with Dan Gross, president of the Brady Campaign to reduce gun violence.
“If guns are outlawed, only outlaws have guns,” Colbert said, shooting Gross a glare,
Gross smiled wryly and explained that he’s not trying to ban guns altogether. Rather, the Brady campaign proposes universal background checks and certain assault weapons bans.
“Thirty-two people are murdered by guns every day,” he said. “We’re not trying to take anyone’s guns away. We honor the Supreme Court ruling - written by Justice Antonin Scalia - that there is a second amendment right to bear arms and that right can be regulated if that’s to protect public safety.”
Colbert scoffed. “Scalia! That lefty.”