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Single ladies, Jon Stewart has some disappointing news for you: Kim Jong-un is officially a married man. Though no one knows much about this unidentified despot housewife, recent reports confirmed that he has indeed tied the knot.
Because royal wedding footage was unavailable, Stewart performed a reenactment of guests throwing rice at the blushing bride and groom. But instead of actually letting go of the grain, Stewart stashed it in his jacket for later, insinuating that North Koreans starving under the Kim regime would be reluctant to part with any morsel of food.
In other news, Republicans are hoping to advance a bill that would make English the official language. Iowa congressman Steve King praised the proposed legislation, even though he claims to enjoy speaking to crowds of immigrants and welcoming them to America. “But I notice if I tell a joke who laughs and who doesn’t. And those that don’t understand English don’t laugh at my jokes,” he told newscasters.
Stewart nodded sympathetically. “I’ve always tried to enhance audience response to my jokes through legislation,” he said.
Stewart then moved on to discuss the latest scandal in the Catholic Church: rogue nuns. The Vatican is accusing the largest organization of nuns in America of promoting radical feminism.
For more info on all this nunsense, Sam Bee sat down with Sister Simone Campbell. “They’re saying we work too much for the needs of people in poverty and that we’re silent on abortion and gay marriage,” Campbell said.
“Have you ever helped any poor, gay married couples?” Bee asked.
“Well, yes. We helped one gay couple,” Campbell responded.
“And you couldn’t take 2 minutes out of you day to shame them?”
“Actually, no. We couldn’t,” Campbell replied. She then took her insolence a step further, declaring that the Pope is “awesome” but not infallible. Careful sister. Smack-talking the pope is a pretty dangerous habit.
In the show’s final segment, Stewart sat down with Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis to discuss the dynamic duo’s new movie, The Campaign. But when the two started ragging on Stewart for asking “lame questions,” he had to call in a reinforcement: Jon Hamm.
But Hamm had a few interviewing tips of his own to offer Stewart. “When was the last time you woke up bleeding?” he asked the men. “That’s the type of question you should be asking.”
After a brief schooling, Stewart was forced to concede that perhaps his interview style is a bit lackluster. “I apologize that I’ve been wasting people’s time for about 15 years,” he said.
“Was this planned as an intervention or did this just happen?” he asked.
“When you bring a Jon Hamm into a situation, things just happen,” Ferrell said.