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Don’t be down, my fellow single folk. Don’t act like a spinster on Thursday, most cursed of days to be single, Valentine's Day. Make the day a love letter to yourself, celebrating that you don’t have to do anything for anyone except yourself.
Not like you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life. That won’t happen, because you are all beautiful tropical fish, etc. But dating really is the worst sometimes.
1. Netflix-marathon time.
Either a) Grey’s Anatomy; b) 30 Rock; c) Meg Ryan rom-coms in order; or d) HIMYM. Or Louis, if you love dwelling.
This Mere speech. Not this one:
2. Do that Netflix-ing while eating night cheese, drinking Pinot and reading Tina Fey’s book.
It’s about taking control of your life — you might need it.
Night cheese-eating requires song.
3. Just get wasted on said wine, preferably at a bar with your girlfriends reputed for their “woo!!!”-ing.
They’re fun, I swear.
4. Make out with a random stranger.
Everyone needs to do this, hand-in-hand with the bar-drinking with your “woo!” girls.
5. Have an all-day Galentine’s Day with said ladybros on Feb. 13.
Breakfast of waffles, present exchange (you know what kind), mani-pedis, shopping. I can’t think of any more cliché ways to kick it.
“Breasties before testes. Ovaries before brovaries. Utereses before dudereses.” You do you, gals, and stuff and such. (Amy Poehler is a genius.)
6. Write about your feelings on Tumblr.
Because what better way is there to do it? Diaries are so 2005, especially since you’ll be embraced by an understanding online community. Or mocked forever on reddit.
7. Make a glorious Spotify playlist of all your romantic (not really) jams.
Like Adele, Jack White, the Black Keys, Cher Lloyd — all the favorites. Alanis is always a good choice. T-Swift can go away and lip-sync with clowns or something.
Also avoid: boy bands, Frank Sinatra, Celine, Michael Jackson and (always) Justin Bieber.
Also-also, don’t “woo!” to anything that is angry or angsty.
And don’t do anything Ke$ha actually does in this video or in life. Just leave it alone.
8. You can be jerk to the other happy couples all day long.
'Surprise' a friend-couple on their big date and intentionally third-wheel all night just to be rude. Because they deserve it.
9. For example, go to the movies and throw Mike and Ikes at the couples on dates.
Preferably a horror movie, where you can be loud. Because they won’t want to eat those, since Mike and Ikes are the worst.
10. Or go to Homeland/Target and buy all the good V-Day cards and candy before the last-minuters get a chance to.
Screw their happiness, this would be hilarious. You would win Valentine's Day for the single population.
11. Build a shelf.
Or something easier, like an end table Or Pinterest something crafty. Just not weddings, your psyche doesn’t need that today.
Just stay off the brand sites and stick to twentysomething meccas like Amazon, Etsy and Zara. That is, if you’re too busy to put away the Dreyer’s and take off the pajoveralls to actually go out and window-shop.
13. Finally beat Black Ops II.
14. Actually be productive like on any other day.
Volunteer, study, exercise, cook dinner, etc. Act like you DGAF because how else are you gonna show the haters who’s boss?