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Trophy Wife returned Tuesday with its second episode, “Cold File.” The second episode has Kate yearning for a bit more responsibility with regard to her stepchildren.
The episode opens with Pete and Kate trying to put Bert to sleep. Everything has to be done perfectly in order for him to fall asleep. After Bert finally dozes off, Kate and Pete escape on their stomachs as they crawl from Bert’s room to the living room. Kate comments to Pete, “He’s made you his bitch.” The next morning, Kate tries helping with the kids, but Pete continuously interrupts. Before mistaking Kate’s thong for a headband, Warren needs help with a hangnail. Kate tries to help, but Pete intervenes. Hillary then needs a permission slip signed. When Kate offers to do it, Pete intervenes again. Hillary even reminds Kate that she’s not a “real” parent. She begins to feel like background noise as the family’s morning conversation continues without her.
Kate interrupts Pete’s shower to discuss her desire to help out more with the kids. Pete thinks the interruption is about other desires of an adult nature. Kate rejects the sexual implication and continues to press Pete for more responsibility. Pete tells her that he doesn’t feel like she should have to deal with all of the kid “crap,” but Kate assures him, “All I want is more crap.” Her first instance of more “crap” responsibility is helping out with Bert’s soccer team. Jackie, Bert’s mom, notices Kate helping out and begins talking about how hard these responsibilities are. She warns Kate of how complicated it is with half the kids only wanting peanuts, the other half being allergic to peanuts, and one kid not being able to eat oranges because his parents have an issue with Florida. When Pete joins them, Jackie tells him that he’s going to need to watch Bert for the night. Pete tells her he can’t because of work. The two are at a stalemate when Kate offers to watch Bert and put him to bed. Jackie doubts Kate’s abilities, but Pete talks Jackie into letting Kate help out.
Meanwhile, Hillary and Warren are staying at the home they share with Diane, their mother. Hillary walks over to the white couch with chips and salsa. Warren says that they aren’t supposed to eat on the couch per their mother’s rules. Hillary tells him she can while their mother isn’t home. Warren tries to grab the salsa with his feet, spilling the salsa on one of the couch cushions. In a panic, Warren and Hillary call Pete for advice. Pete laughs and tells them they should just run away. Hillary and Warren are afraid of the punishment their mother will inflict upon them. Warren thinks about the time when she made him wear an anti-itching dog collar because he wouldn’t stop picking his nose. The two decide to flip the couch cushion and pretend like nothing happened.
Later that evening, Kate is trying to put Bert to sleep. She thinks she has succeeded and crawls out of the room. A few moments later, Bert comes out on his stomach asking if it’s a game. Kate resorts to allowing him to fall asleep watching TV. At eleven o’clock, Kate is asleep and Bert is still up. He begins watching a program called “Cold File.” The show is about the investigation into a doctor who has stolen uteruses.
While Kate is struggling to put Bert to bed, Diane is busy tormenting her children with the truth. She makes quesadillas for Warren and Hillary, but purposely forgets to put out the salsa. Instead, she tells them the quesadillas are missing something. The children begin to panic as they mention every condiment they can think of, except for salsa.
The next morning, Bert is exhausted as he wakes up asking Kate, “Kate, could a doctor steal my uterus?” Not wanting to tell Pete she failed, Kate tells Bert to take a sip of her coffee. Bert drinks all of it. Because he thinks Kate did so well with Bert, Pete asks her to be the assistant coach. Hillary and Warren are having an awkward morning as well as they walk out to their mother dancing the salsa, making them panic even more. Back at the soccer field, Bert is hyper as he dances around shouting, “I can taste my teeth!” However, this surge of energy doesn’t last as Bert’s energy level crashes. Barely awake, he sits down in front of the goal as the balls are being kicked in. Kate gets him to stand up as she kicks a ball into the goal. She urges him to put his hands up to stop the ball. Kate kicks a second ball in, which hits Bert in the groin. Before falling over, Bert says, “Ow, my uterus!” At the hospital, Kate has already confessed to her bad parenting choices. Jackie continues to criticize Kate, causing Kate to apologize then walk away. Pete tells Jackie to stop being so hard on Kate because Jackie’s been in Kate’s shoes before when Diane was hard on her.
Back at Diane’s, Hillary is looking for her phone when she notices the couch cushion flipped back over to reveal the salsa stain. She immediately calls Warren out. The two are in a panic as Diane walks out and suggests that they all watch a movie. Unable to take anymore of the mind games, Warren and Hillary confess.
Jackie, after seeing the error of her ways, tells Kate to go see Bert. She apologizes for being so hard on Kate. Kate tells her she doesn’t have to let her see Bert, but Jackie informs Kate it’s actually Bert who is asking for her. Kate immediately apologizes to Bert, who also apologizes for breaking their pinky promise not to tell about staying up late and drinking coffee. He then asks her to do her wrong version of the little piggies on his toes. Pete encourages Kate not to keep secrets from each other because that’s what his ex-wives are for. Bert then informs Kate that he didn’t hurt his uterus.
Kate interrupts Pete in the shower again pretending to be the police. As she’s about to undress, Bert calls for her. Instead of continuing the “adult playtime” with Pete, Kate leaves to help Bert. She’s happy that Bert’s actually calling her to come help.
This episode hilariously portrayed the difficulties in raising children, especially under such diverse, haphazard conditions. Even with four parent figures, things go a bit haywire. Make sure you tune in to see how Kate handles parenthood next Tuesday at 9:30/8:30c on ABC.