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Kate and Pete yearn for some alone time while the kids help Jackie with her online dating profile in the latest episode of Trophy Wife.
Via video chat, Diane is checking Hillary’s trig homework. As Hillary goes to get Warren and send him out with his homework, Kate and Pete enter the house, not knowing that Diane is on the computer. Kate wonders why they buy so much toilet paper and Pete explains that Hillary and Bert like to wrap Warren in it. Diane messages Pete, who has a warning alarm as Diane’s personal ringtone. She asks if he can do carpool on Monday. Kate tells Pete they can’t because that’s the only time they will have alone together. Kate says a life-threatening knee surgery can’t exist. Diane messages her a web link about knee surgery deaths. Kate and Pete nervously look around to figure out how Diane could know what they are saying. They realize she’s on the computer and Pete takes it outside. Warren finally enters with his homework, but can’t find his mother. She says she’s outside, hoping he will bring her in, but he doesn’t notice her on the computer. He shouts to her that he’ll be in his room when she’s ready before excitedly walking away with the toilet paper.
Pete walks into his bedroom and hears munching coming from the bathroom. He walks in to find Kate sitting on the bathroom floor eating potato chips. She tells him she tries to be a good role model for the kids, but sometimes she really just wants chips before dinner. As he takes some for himself, she tells him she keeps the bag below the sink behind the bleach. Pete immediately spits them out. He tells her to put the “bleach chips” away because they are going out for dinner. Jackie is going to watch the kids. When Kate asks how much Jackie is going to charge, Pete replies, “Half of everything I own.” Just then, Diane calls needing help with a school fundraiser. To Kate’s dismay, Diane guilt trips Pete into helping with the eighties themed fundraiser. Diane tells him to come as his favorite '80s character. Pete replies that he’ll come as the Berlin Wall or Margaret Thatcher.
Pete and Kate enter the fundraiser as Kate asks why parents like to throw themed parties. Pete replies that they’re trying to “get back to a time when they were happy.” Diane greets them, but Kate fails to guess that she is Pat Benatar. Diane correctly guesses Pete is dressed as Billy Idol, but doesn’t know who Kate is. Kate explains that she’s Melanie Griffith in Working Girl. Diane comments, “It’s nice to see you finally dressed up like an adult.” Diane gives them both jobs. Not liking her placement with the vegetable platters, Kate switches with Mrs. Steinberg. Kate tells her she has a great costume, but Mrs. Steinberg admits that no one told her it was a costume party.
Searching through Pete and Kate’s fridge, Jackie comments on how they have actual cow milk and only one kind of hummus. She then pulls out the Little Lady Margarita bottle, commenting, “Real classy, Kate.” Warren replies that it belongs to Pete. Jackie says those drinks are full of chemicals as she takes a swig of it and then fills her cup with it. Hillary enters and tells Warren she needs the computer to interact live online with Chelsea Clinton. Warren, who is engrossed in a video of a horse and cat that are best friends, tells her to use Jackie’s computer. When Hillary goes to use it, she discovers Jackie’s online dating profile. Hillary and Warren watch her extremely long and eccentric video.
Meanwhile, Kate surprises Pete in the storage room with cheese, wine and some adult alone time.
Back at the house, Jackie sees Hillary and Warren looking at her profile. She asks them what they think. Hillary asks, “Do you want us to tell you what you want to hear or the truth?” Jackie says she wants them to tell her what she wants to hear. Warren assures her it is a great video and she’s going to find the man of her dreams. The kids then tell her it could be better. Warren offers to Reddit it and Hillary offers to help with wardrobe.
After they’ve finished having sex, Kate goes to open the door only to realize there is no handle. Pete can’t believe they’re raising money for a vegetable garden when the doors don’t even have handles.
Unable to find Pete, Diane tells Mrs. Steinberg she needs to introduce her. Mrs. Steinberg tells her she’s terrified of public speaking, but Diane forces her to do it. As she’s reading the lines written for Pete, Mrs. Steinberg continuously stumbles over her own words before starting to cry. Diane interrupts and begins her speech about fundraising.
Still locked in the storage room, Pete unsuccessfully tries to jimmy the door open. Because of her desperate need to pee, Kate hits the pipes with a large wrench, which hurts their ears. When Kate explains how badly she needs to pee, Pete takes the wrench and repeatedly hits the pipes.
Hillary is trying to find an outfit for Jackie from Kate’s wardrobe. Jackie comments that unlike Kate, she in fact has breasts and “a butt like Beyonce.” The only thing Jackie likes is the bedspread. As Warren is editing the video, Bert asks what it’s for. Warren says it’s so Jackie can find a man to marry. When he notices Bert’s worry, Warren assures him that maybe they won’t marry and “they’ll just do it.” As Bert exits, Warren prides himself on being a good brother as he says, “He’s lucky to have a brother like me.”
In the storage room, Pete has started flipping fuses with the hope that it will get someone’s attention. Kate tells Pete it’s his fault that they’re in this position because he never says no to Diane. Pete claims it’s easier to avoid arguing with Diane. Kate tells him she would like Pete to stand up to Diane. She also adds that she would like to pee in a toilet not on a sponge. Pete switches all of the fuses, which finally causes someone to come down to the room to free them. Kate runs out to find the bathroom. As Pete is carrying out the supplies, the man who opened the door informs him his zipper is down. Pete, with his hands full, starts to ask if the man can help, but realizes that’s an awkward request and walks away.
As Warren records Jackie for her new dating video, Bert continuously interrupts the shot. He tells her he hates her dumb movie and thinks she looks weird in those clothes. Bert then runs out and Jackie goes after him.
With the light's back on, Diane finishes her speech, commenting on how some of the audience members were quite rude during the power outage. Diane tells Pete she needs one more thing. Pete stands up to her and repeatedly tells her no, before realizing she needed help getting a student in a wheelchair up on the stage. Kate tells Pete he is her hero for standing up to Diane, but maybe he should help this one last time.
Outside Bert’s room, Jackie gets Bert to open his door by using her Christopher Walken impersonation, which Bert can’t resist. She explains she needs to be able to hang out with people her own age. Bert is worried that he won’t be her number one man anymore. She assures him he always will be.
Upon arriving home, Pete treats Kate to a romantic dinner for two. Kate asks if the chef is Chinese and eight. Pete replies, “No, he’s fifteen and unusual. The menu consists of dino nuggets with ranch, barbecue and peanut butter as dipping sauces, fruit leather, and whisky for dessert. Kate says she’ll start with the dessert. Jackie comes out wearing Kate and Pete’s bedspread and takes some of the dino nuggets as she leaves.
Finally, Jackie’s dating video is complete. It’s of her and Bert. She explains that Bert is her number one man, but she’s looking for a solid number two. The two then list what they love to do. Jackie is amazed at the video and tells Warren he should probably just drop out of school.
Make sure you’re tuning in Tuesdays at 9:30/8:30c on ABC to catch this complex family’s quirky mishaps.