- Special Features
Blogs & Columns
- Fun & Games
Workaholics opens this week with Adam, Blake, and Anders sitting on their beloved Volvo before work, sharing some odd conversation of life after Earth. When they see Alice arrive in the parking lot, they make a break for it, and they find themselves in the parking lot next door, where a company is having an employee appreciation day full of go-kart racing. The guys are all about getting in on some of the action, but they are sternly turned away.
After running away in a very girlish manner, they finally begin their work day. But they are upset about not receiving their own employee appreciation day at TelAmeriCorp, so they voice their concern to Alice. Per usual, her reaction is enough to make you want to hide in a closet and cry. With that, the topic is dismissed.
While the boys enjoy their lunch together in the break room, they stumble across a flyer on the TelAmeriCorp bulletin board that is advertising a free massage chair. This is one of the best opportunities they have had in a long time, since we all know they will not be receiving massages from women anytime soon. Anders calls the phone number, only to discover that someone else has already claimed the chair. However, the boys can have the chair under one condition: They must get to the chair before its two o’clock pickup time. If they can beat the other guy to it, it's theirs to keep forever.
Luckily, they have an hour lunch break, which is just enough time to drive over and get it. That is, until the trio gets into a discrepancy about where the chair will be kept. Immediately, the bond is broken and it’s one for all. Blake shows us his lack of driving skills when he steals the keys to the Volvo and drives backward over a spike strip. The car is now out of the question and they resort to something else – the go-karts. It is now a real life game of Mario Kart.
We are taken through an unprecedented amount of action for the remainder of the episode. While riding the go-karts, Anders and Blake endure a jousting match and Adam gets nailed by golf balls as he races through a driving range. Eventually, all three vehicles get trashed and the boys must resort to different modes of transportation. Anders steals a skateboard, Adam pays seven dollars for a lift on an ice cream cart (not truck), and Blake exchanges marijuana for a ride in a pizza delivery car. In the end, they are too late. The man who called first, also picked up the chair first.
Their last resort is to work together, follow the guy’s truck, and have Adam fake an injury so they can stop the truck and intercept the chair. They succeed in stealing the chair from the bed of his truck, but all their hard work is wasted when a semi truck comes and destroys the chair in one fine sweep. The worst part is Alice was having a very rare, sensitive moment, and she was ironically the one behind getting the chair. She was trying to do a favor to Adam, Blake, Anders, and the rest of the office, but now all of that is ruined.
The result: no free massages and Alice is back to her old, cranky, self.
Best Quotes from ‘Timechair:’
“Y’all don’t even know about my squad!” – Adam
“Hey DeMamp, if you give up now I promise to let you sit in my chair… for fifteen minutes every two weeks – ya bishhh.” – Anders