Stupid Amazon Reviews: Canned Unicorn Meat

By Patricia Streeter,

If you look hard enough, you can find just about anything on Amazon. That being said, there are plenty of strange products you can have shipped to your home in a few days. For instance, who would want Canned Unicorn Meat?
You can’t eat it, as is. Apparently, it is a shrunken Unicorn that has been butchered like a cow. Stay with me here. If you have a growth ray, it will return to its natural size. Then you can cook it as desired. If you do not have this on hand, you can always take it to your local butcher. I mean “Mad Scientist-Butcher." Yes people, this is basically the product description Think Geek provides.

On top of this interesting review, 338 reviewers have offered their opinions. Apparently, unicorn meat is delicious, but it does come with unwanted side effects. Irma Gerd gave it 4 stars.

Irma Gerd: It’s Delicious But…

Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams.

I didn’t realize that hopes and dreams were smelly. I hope those stains aren’t permanent. Not everyone had positive reviews of this product. George Takei was very disappointed with the meat.

George Takei: Taste Like Spam

…Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward)…I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger.

Man was that a mouthful. It makes you wonder if this meat is legit. This reviewer may have taken the joke a little too far. If you thought this was bad, these are only excerpts. You can read the full review here. On top of that, 5,250 of 5,359 people thought this was helpful. Other reviews were less descriptive, but their reviews were still creepy.

Marke E: Side Effects

I was pleasantly surprised by the unicorn meat, even though canned. It is more tender than the centaur I’ve had, and far less stringy than faun. My only concern is that after feeding it to my infant son, his diaper was filled with skittles.

Why would you feed this to an infant! I’d like to know how old he is.
There are mixed reviews about this product. Is it real or fake? Telling you would not be fun. You will have to check it out to see.



Join Our Newsletter

Popular Threads