American Idol: A Puzzling Season

Things are quickly spinning out of control this season for American Idol. With the untimely departure of Gina Glocksen, the Idol universe is all out of whack. I understand that in seasons past there have been shockers - Tamyra's ousting in favor of the less talented (and much reviled in Idol history) Nikki McKibbon, the Hawaiian conspiracy theory keeping Jasmine Trias alive until the final four, the bizarre popularity of contestants Scott Savol, Kevin Covais, and others. But never in the history of Idol can I remember a season where so many poor contestants have remained in the running.

We'll start with Haley Scarnato, who I privately refer to as my arch-nemesis, considering that this season she has butchered some of my all-time favorite songs. This week she attempted "Turn the Beat Around" and was pathetically un-zesty. Week after week, the judges have patronized her by commenting on her appearance instead of her performance, but this week Simon said exactly what needed to be said, "You've chosen the only tactic available to you - wear the least amount of clothes possible." I'd love to comment here on inner beauty, but I'm convinced that Haley isn't sure she has any. She could prove us wrong by going just one week without showcasing her most fabulous asset (which is not her voice) but until then, my most sincere wish is for the judges to put a moratorium on mentioning her appearance for the rest of the season.

Then there's Chris Richardson, who's coasted the entire season on his resemblance to Justin Timberlake. Last night the judges lauded his performance of Santana's "Smooth," despite the fact that it was off key and rocky the whole time. Phil Stacey's vocals on his own Santana selection, "Maria, Maria," were much more passionate, but in the end lacked, as Randy would say, the all-important YO-factor. It's safe to say that Phil has been YO-less all season, and that's not a good thing.

As for the contestants who do show promise, the four bright lights in a sea of darkness, tonight, not even they could capture my attention. Simon was exactly right when he said Melinda was old-fashioned with "Sway" - tonight she proved that pitch perfect sometimes just isn't good enough. Lakisha tried to spice up "Conga" and couldn't quite feel the beat. Jordin sang a bizarrely slowed version of "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You," with fair vocals but lacking pizzazz. Finally, there was Blake, whose performance of "I Need to Know" would have been my favorite of the night if he hadn't come on stage wearing my grandfather's sun hat. I was so distracted by his Florida retiree get-up, I couldn't even think about whether or not he was doing Marc Anthony justice.

I've saved Sanjaya for last, of course, because his performance of "Besame Mucho" proves the strange whims of the Idol Gods are as capricious as they are mysterious. Sanjaya, the bane of Idol fans' existence. Sanjaya, who Howard Stern champions as the best of the worst. Sanjaya, who delights teenyboppers and closeted teenage boys everywhere. Last night he wasn't that bad. I would almost call him (dare I say it?) good.

If you're not as perplexed by Idol this season as I am, then keep tuning in. I predict things are just going to get wackier.