'The Colbert Report' recap for 1/30/2012

By John-Paul Helk,
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Monday's episode began with a continuation of the ending sequence from that night's Daily Show, in which Steven Colbert chased Jon Stewart in an attempt to re-capture his Super Pac. He chased him through The View, around the office, around the lot, and into a horse-drawn carriage, finally cornering him and catching him in a trap, where he sucked the money out of Stewart like it was his life force.

He then talked at his desk about the impending deadline for Super Pacs to reveal their financial information, and said that the Colbert Super Pac would report it's grand monetary total online.

In the Threat Down, Colbert talked about how much of a threat President Barack Obama is, proving it by showing a clip of Obama singing Al Green. He accused Obama of being intentionally irresistible, something which he proudly stated Newt Gingrich would never stoop too.

He then talked about the threat of Iran, who is planning to block the straight of Hormuz. Dolphins are being used to detect bombs in the water so the blockade could be avoided. Colbert then discussed the dangers of Dolphins, saying they will turn on us.

Someone also apparently tried to smuggle cocaine into the United Nations, which led to a discussion on the dangers of coked-up diplomats.

Newt Gingrich will have trouble in Florida with the Hispanic voters after saying that English was the “language of prosperity” whereas Spanish was the “language of the ghetto”. Newt tried to defend it by mentioning that the original term referred to Jewish neighborhoods in the middle ages. At that point Colbert had some half Jewish half Hispanic 14th Century minstrels come in in an effective display of how ridiculous the statement was.

Colbert's guest was Laurence Tribe, a professor of Constitutional law who taught and employed Obama, and taught Chief Justice Roberts. He laughed about them both getting the oath wrong as Roberts swore Obama into office. Colbert asked how important the Constitution really is, to which Tribe responded it keeps the government out of “our bedrooms” and offers a blueprint for government. He views “Constitution” as a verb, not a noun, saying we need to live within its guidelines instead of assuming it solves all our problems by itself. They discussed the Citizens United ruling, and their respective favorite amendments.

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