Eurovision: Battles with the suegra

When I married my wife I thought I was gaining a mother-in-law. Oh man was I wrong. Instead, I got a "suegra."

The suegra is typically a middle-aged Spanish woman who will make a six-course meal and insist on extra-large portions even though you haven't quite gotten over that case of stomach flu. If you don't eat you don't appreciate her. If you eat what she gives you, then you eat too much and she will point this out in sharp whispers to complete strangers.

As with many things in regards to the suegra, it is a lose-lose situation. Unless you are her son. The suegra's son is her most precious commodity. He is prohibited from doing anything for himself because she will bend over backward for him, even if he is 36 years old. The suegra is her daughter-in-law's nightmare. Her presence is the male's permission to suddenly be lazy. The danger exists for him when the suegra leaves and with her goes his pampered comfort.

The suegra is an equal nightmare for the son-in-law, especially when she lives two blocks away. She is always in his house and treats it as her own.

If the suegra has an overly-protective relationship with her son it is to the contrary with her daughter. Often this leads to in-fighting in which the son-in-law is drafted into messenger duty. This is great fun for the son-in-law who suddenly doesn't understand Spanish.

Whether or not the suegra is intentional in her erratic behavior remains a mystery. Maybe there is some genetic coding that one day scientists will unlock and correct (much to the pleasure of many, but to the son's protest). I, for one, support funding for such a project and will soon be writing the Spanish prime minister. If nothing else maybe he can send my suegra to the Middle East as a special envoy and leave her there.