Eurovision: On the Road in Spain Part I

It had been planned for at least a month. We -- my wife, two children, myself and my Spanish mother-in-law (my suegra)-- were going to a water park in Algeciras with about 30 other people from my town.

We had to be waiting for the group bus at nine sharp. Of course, my wife and I put off getting ready until about one in the morning the night before and were half-asleep with two grumpy, equally tired toddlers. No amount of hyping up the water park was going to make them any happier. My suegra was waiting with a broad smile and about half-a-dozen plastic bags by her feet containing enough food and beer to feed the Spanish Legion for a week.

We loaded the bus, and my wife and I instantly drew the green curtains and closed our eyes to catch up on some sleep. It wasn't to be.

"John. John," my suegra called from the seat across the aisle. We were maybe a foot away from each other, but she insisted on calling me as though we were at opposite ends of the bus. I half-opened an eyelid and tried not to glare at her. "I brought a newspaper," she said.

Never mind I was clearly trying to sleep and that there were serious bags under my eyes. Try reading a newspaper on a bus packed full of people who usually don't wear deodorant with a cranky toddler on your lap. I almost mentioned this, but I didn't need my overly-sensitive suegra to get mad at me and remind me how lonely she was even though she spent more time in my house than in her own. I once joked she should get a dog if she was so alone. She didn't find it funny and my wife wouldn't speak to me for a week, which was kind of a blessing in itself.

I nodded and tried to go back to sleep.

"Juani. Juani," she called again. My wife had the window seat so my suegra raised her voice even louder to compensate. My wife wore dark sunglasses but I could hear her snoring. That didn't keep my suegra from complaining how my brother-in-law hadn't called her in a whole day. You could put her in front of a picture of my wife and she'll talk until she turns blue.

You should really get a dog, I thought.

It was about an hour's drive up a twisty mountain highway to Algeciras, which is near Gibraltar. It would be a miracle if I could make it without killing someone: namely my mother-in-law.