‘How I Met Your Mother’ recap – 'The Drunk Train'

The episode starts with the gang and Kevin [played by Kal Penn] at McClaren’s as Lily is waiting for the baby to kick so the gang can feel it but the baby isn’t cooperating. Then, Barney starts talking about the previous night

Shoot to the night before as Barney is picking up a girl at the bar at McClaren’s when Ted comes over and asks him to be his “wingman” because she just met this “hottie who’s meeting her friend at a club.” So, Barney reluctantly ditches his “sure thing” at the bar and goes with Ted to the club.

Shoot to Barney talking to Ted’s “hottie’s” friend at the club and telling her that he has “enormous penis syndrome.” The girl, Quinn, [played by Becki Newton] eventually asks Barney if he wants to “get out of there” but before they do Quinn tells Barney that she should tell him about her condition. “I’m not a gullible dumbass disorder.” Quinn calls Barney out on every line he throws her way saying that he has zero chance of getting her into bed.

Shoot back to Barney telling Ted that he owes him for last night. “I’m thinking Laser Tag tournament in Newark. Ted can pass for an underage teen, it’s a father/son thing.” Then, Lily and Marshall say they should leave soon or they’ll have to take the “drunk train.” Kevin asks them what that is and they tell him that it’s “last train to Long Island. Full of a bunch of idiots fresh off of partying in the city basically looking to hook up with anything that moves.” Lily and Marshall leave and Barney turns to Ted and says, “New plan” and then screams, “All aboard!”

Shoot to Ted narrating that for Valentine’s Day weekend, Lily and Marshall invited Robin and Kevin to come with them to a couples’ getaway in Vermont. Lily and Marshall are acting all lovey-dovey in front of Robin and Kevin and Kevin asks them they’ve managed to stay so in love after 16 years of marriage. “The key to relationships is understanding the difference between hearing and listening,” Marshall says. “It’s about respecting your partner’s…” “Opinions.” Lily interrupts. Marshall then “shushes” Lily telling her that he’s “on a roll.” Marshall continues saying, “Relationships are give and take and that’s why it’s important to never keep score.” Lily then brings up how Barney is holding what happened the other night over Ted’s head. “If they were a couple, they’d never work,” Lily says. Then, Lily and Marshall give “examples” such as when Marshall’s mom, Judy [played by Suzie Plakson,] comes to visit, they have to put out all of the…

Shoot to Marshall and Lily putting all “tacky Minnesota gifts she’s bought us over the years,” Lily narrates. When Judy arrives Marshall and Lily give her a big hello. She kisses Marshall but shuns Lily and then points that she doesn’t see one of the gifts she made them and says, “I guess it wasn’t good enough for Lily.”

Shoot back to Lily telling Kevin, Robin and Marshall that if they “were keeping score, Marshall would owe me big time.” Marshall shoots back that he would never hold it over Lily’s head “for dragging me to that experimental theater piece.”

Shoot to Marshall and Lily sitting in a theater while a woman screams…continuously.

Shoot back to Marshall saying, “But, we don’t keep score.” Then, Lily brings up another “example” and they start arguing as Kevin and Robin remain silent drinking their wine.

Shoot to Ted narrating that he and Barney had found themselves “in a strange new universe…the drunk train.” Everyone on the train is making out with each other as Ted and Barney sit alone together watching. Then, Barney says, “Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life?” Ted is getting bored and asks Barney what their “play is.” Barney tells Ted that they don’t need a “play.” “Let’s just sit back, play it cool and by the end of the line we’ll be sleepin’ with some hotties,” Barney promises Ted.

Shoot to three minutes later where Ted and Barney are both asleep with Barney’s head on Ted’s shoulder.

Shoot to Robin and Kevin going back to their room and Robin praising Kevin for not complaining about Marshall and Lily’s bickering. “Well, I am a therapist, so I do plan on billing them,” Kevin jokes. Then, after a few jokes by each Kevin gets down on one knee, pulls out a ring and asks Robin to marry him. “Look, I know this is fast but I’m just excited to start a life with you,” Kevin says. Robin nervously tells Kevin that she needs time to think, which he says is “totally understandable.” He then tells her to take as much time as she needs and that he’ll leave the ring on the table “until you’re ready.” They hug then Robin asks Kevin to put the ring away, “That bad boy is just staring at us, isn’t it,” Kevin says as he puts the ring away.

Shoot to Barney running into McClaren’s where Ted is already sitting at the gang’s booth. He tells Ted that he’s come up with new names for the “drunk train.” “The Slam Track,” “the Chatta-Nookie-Choo-Choo,” Barney then tells Ted that he had 18 cups of coffee and that there was “no way I’m going to fall asleep tonight.” He then tells Ted how Quinn told him that he was “the kind of guy who could never love anything. But, I LOVE this train!” Ted replies, “She said you could never love anything? That’s intense.”

Shoot back to Barney and Quinn at the club, She tells him to stop staring at her and that “it’s never going to happen.” Barney then asks if they could start over and maybe get to know each other. “I already know you,” Quinn replies. “Oh, do you?” Barney replies. “You wear a suit all the time. You have a rule about everything but most of the time you find yourself alone at a strip club feeling empty inside telling yourself that your life is somehow epic or classic or legendary,” Quinn answers. “I never say epic or classic. Do you practice the dark arts?” Barney asks. Then, we see Ted trying to dance and be interesting with a hot girl.

Shoot back to McClaren’s where Barney tells Ted that he doesn’t have to come with him on the “drunk train. You’ll never find ‘the one’ there anyway.’” Ted then tells him that every date he’s been on recently “brutal. I went out with a girl last week whose favorite band was Glee. It’s almost Valentine’s Day and I’m alone with nothing close to a girlfriend. So, all aboard!” Barney chokingly says how proud he is of Ted then tries to say that the evening will be “legend…ary” but can’t and then says, “Damn, that Quinn girl” as he and Ted leave McClaren’s.

Shoot to Marshall, Lily, Robin and Kevin having dinner. Marshall proposes that they order a bottle of wine. Then tries to change his choice of words. Lily suggests they order “onion rings. I mean diamond rings, I mean onion circles. I hear they have great onion circles here.” Kevin then says to Robin, “About not telling them.” Robin doesn’t answer and instead talks about what she’s going to order.

Shoot to Barney, on the “drunk train,” trying to “comfort” a girl on the “drunk train” by telling her that her boyfriend a “jerk.” The girl grabs Barney, rips his jacket and tells him not to “bad mouth” her boyfriend.

Shoot to Ted talking to the same girl. She asks him what he does for a living and he tells her that he teaches architecture. Her reply, “Oh, big man with a job. You think you’re better than me?” Then, she slaps hm.

Shoot to Barney getting slapped by multiple girls.

Shoot to Ted talking to another girl who asks him where he lives. He tells the upper west side and she says, “Oh, big man livin’ in Manhattan. You think you’re better than me?” and pours her drink in his lap.

Shoot to a bunch of other girls throwing drinks in Ted and Barney’s faces and saying, “You think you’re better than me?”

Shoot back to Marshall, Lily, Robin and Kevin as Kevin asks Marshall and Lily if it’s okay that they all should shelve the “marriage talk.” They both say, “I do.” With that Kevin kisses Robin goodnight and goes up to their room to go to bed. Once Kevin is gone, Lily asks Robin if she’s any closer to answering Kevin’s proposal. Robin replies, “Well, there’s something you don’t know. Can you guys keep a secret?” Marshall replies as he look at Lily, “Well, some of us can.” Robin then tells them that she’s been “keeping something from everyone for the last couple of months. I found out I can’t have children.” Lily immediately hugs Robin then Marshall follows. Lily says she’s sorry and asks if Robin is okay. Robin tells them that she’s had “some time to deal with it by myself. I’m okay, for real.” Lily asks if she’s sure. She tells them she is, then says, “I love Kevin and I want to say yes but I can’t till I tell him then I’m scared it will end our relationship.” Marshall then tells her, “If it’s meant to be, it won’t ruin it.”

Shoot to Ted and Barney going into Marshall and Lily’s house, using Barney’s key to get in. Ted starts talking about the train was “absolute chaos.” Barney replies, “If we analyze the seemingly random patterns of the train…we can conclude…” Barney turns to Ted who’s asleep.

Shoot to the next morning. We see Robin and Kevin sitting on the bed in their room as Ted narrates that “Robin mustered up all her courage and finally told Kevin her secret.” Robin tells Kevin that she knows “it’s a lot to process and take all the time you need.” Robin continues talking but Kevin interrupts her and asks her to marry him again. This time, she says yes and they kiss.

Shoot to Ted and Barney figuring out why they didn’t score on the “drunk train.” “We need to get drunk,” they say in unison.

Shoot to Kevin telling Robin that his mom has already picked the date, caterer and the venue for the wedding “but nothing’s set in stone,” he adds. He also mentions that his great aunt is going to sing. Robin asks again if he’s “okay with everything we talked about?” “Of course because Robin, I love you. Besides, there’s other ways to have kids. Adoption, surrogacy…” Kevin says but Robin stops him and says, “No. Kevin. It’s not just that I can’t have kids. I don’t want kids.” “Oh, okay,” Kevin answers. “Knowing that, do you want to take your proposal back?” Robin asks. Kevin just asks her to marry him again.

Shoot to Lily telling Marshall how much she likes how he takes care of her. She then thanks him for loaning her his shoes for her swollen feet and that she “owes him one.” Marshall then tells Lily to “stop. We have to stop keeping score. Your growing a baby, our baby, so, you’re officially ahead of me for life.” He then kisses her stomach. She thanks him. Then, Marshall says, “Once we’re parents, we have to be a team. Deal?”

Shoot to eight months later. Marshall and Lily are in bed and the baby starts shrieking. Lily says to Marshall, “It’s your turn! I’ve went for six straight hours yesterday.” “Two of those hours were a nap and you know it,” replies Marshall but he gets up anyway.

Shoot back to Lily saying, “Deal” to Marshall.

Shoot to Ted and Barney back on the “drunk train,” this time with beers in their hands. This time, they’re at hit with everyone on the train. Then, two girls ask them to join them but Barney surprisingly turns them down telling Ted they were too “skanky.” Ted then asks Barney, “Did that Quinn girl shake your game?” Barney replies, “Hell, no. in fact, at the end of the night…”

Shoot back to the bar as the “hottie” Ted was chatting up with tells him that she doesn’t want to “ruin their friendship with meaningless sex.” Ted replies, “I’m willing to take that risk.” But, then the “hottie” starts talking about a new ironing board and Ted walks away from her.

Shoot to Quinn who’s praising Barney for “standing by your boy all night even though you had no chance of getting with me. That’s pretty cool.” Barney replies, “In retrospect, I think that was the moment you decided to come back to my place and get nasty.” Quinn laughs and says, “Yeah, right.” Then, we see Quinn and Barney on the couch, in the club, naked, as Quinn asks Barney where his bathroom is.

Shoot to back to the train and Ted telling Barney that he’d remember “you two being naked on the couch in the middle of the club.” Barney then says that happened later at his apartment. Ted then accuses Barney of liking Quinn. “That’s why you can’t stop complaining about her. That’s why you tanked our chances with these two sk…lovely innocent flowers,” Ted says when he sees that the two girls are standing right behind him. Ted then asks Barney why he thinks he’s on the “drunk train? Because I have nothing better to do. I have no one I can’t stop thinking about. So, you if you have feelings for Quinn, go for it. Cuz, you’re wasting your time here. We both are.” But, Barney keeps denying that he likes Quinn.

Shoot back to Robin and Kevin. Robin tells him that he “doesn’t have to be the nice guy that says the right thing.” But, Kevin maintains that he still wants to marry her. She adds that her feelings about not wanting kids isn’t going to change but Kevin keeps asking her to marry him. Then, she reminds him that he told her that he always wanted kids. “That was before I fell in love with you,” he says. “Your future always had kids in it. That’s something huge that you’re not going to get from me. I don’t think I can owe someone that much.” Robin says. She adds that she’s scared that he’ll wake up one day with regret. “I need you to be sure, okay? If we get married, you’ll never have children. Are you really okay with that?” Kevin pauses.

Shoot to Barney in a cab with a girl telling her that he has “enormous penis syndrome.” The girl is all over Barney but he stops her and says, “I can’t do this.” He then asks the cab driver to let him out. The girl then says, “Do you have a girlfriend or somethin’?” Barney’s reply, “Maybe something.” Then, he gets out of the cab.

Shoot to Ted on a train looking out the window as he narrates, “Kids, sometimes you realize the journey you’ve been taking has reached its final stop. So, the question becomes, “Where do you go next?”

Shoot to Kevin leaving Ted’s apartment.

Shoot to Robin on the roof. Ted appears and asks her if she’s okay. She doesn’t say anything but Ted seems to tell she isn’t because he takes a coat and wraps it around her. Then, Robin tells Ted that Kevin “un-proposed. We’re over and I know…it’s for the best. It’s just I was finally ready for something serious. He seemed like the guy to take that next step with.” Then, out of the blue, Ted says to Robin, “I love you.”

Shoot to Quinn and her friend. Her friend tells her that she thinks because she’s keeps talking about how much she hates “this Barney guy. I think you like him.” Quinn replies, “Like his apartment, check. Like his move downtown, check. But, like him, please.” The friend then she’s surprised that Barney hasn’t recognized her yet “he practically lives here.” Then, an announcer says, “Please put your hands together for Karma” and Quinn gets on stage and starts to strip.