Just Between Us Girls
What happens when a friendship goes south? What do you do when you realize you don't want to be friends with someone anymore? Do you simply avoid her and not return her calls? Do you hope she'll get the message and drop out of your life? Or do you hang in there because you feel a sense of duty somehow, or you feel guilty about wanting to dump your friend?
Many women seem to have a hard time dealing with relationships that aren't working anymore - whether they're romantic relationships with men or friendship relationships with women. We're trained from a very young age to avoid hurting people's feelings ... even if it means hurting ourselves in the process. We agonize over upsets in our relationships with our girlfriends and put ourselves through all sorts of torment with guilt, self doubt, resentment, anger, depression, and confusion. Why is it so hard for us? And what can we do about it?
Here's my take on the problem:Women need to learn to put themselves first, not last. Our relationships are often mirrors, they reflect what's going on in our most important relationship - the one we have with ourselves. When your relationship with yourself is healthy and affirming, your relationships with others will reflect that. But it starts with you. It's first and foremost an inside job. When you learn to love, cherish, and respect yourself - it will show up in all your other relationships, including those you have with girlfriends.
Be honest with yourself and be honest with the person you don't want to be friends with anymore. Tell the truth with love. You don't do your friend (or yourself) any favors by pretending to be a friend when inside you're dying for a way out of the friendship. Would you want someone to do that to you? Would you want a friend to hang in there pretending to like you when they really didn't want to at all? No, of course not. So respect your friend enough to tell her the truth - but do it with love and compassion, not anger or resentment.
Pick a private time and place to tell her that your feelings have changed. Don't affix blame. Don't do it when you're angry, tired, or resentful. Wait until your feelings are calm and you really can be kind to her. Do it in private - not in front of other people. Above all, don't use email or some other impersonal form of communication! You owe your friend a face-to-face conversation for something as important as this - or if not face to face, at least use the phone. Do not do it in writing - words on paper are too harsh.
Use "I language." Tell her how you feel, what your perceptions are, and why the friendship doesn't work for you anymore. "I think .... I feel .... Here's why I want to end it with you ... My friendship needs have changed .... It's time for me to move on." Avoid using "you language" - it will only make her defensive. Be prepared for her to be hurt, angry, upset, or distressed. She is entitled to her feelings .... You need to be prepared to deal with your own discomfort when you witness her unhappiness at your decision. Don't get into an argument if she tries to change your decision. Don't argue; don't explain too much. Keep it simple.
Your goal is to end the friendship cleanly, so there is no unfinished business between you. You want to be able to look her in the eye if you see her at a party sometime, or in the market, or at work. You don't want to feel like you have to avoid her or pretend you didn't see her.
If you handle your girlfriend breakup well, you can part ways with grace and compassion. Release your former friend to the Universe with love and good will. Wish her well. Tell her you've enjoyed having her in your life for a while, and now it's time to move on. New friends will come for both you and for her. Let go with love. Trust the process.