Just Between Us Girls
My friend Sherry was so excited. She had landed a new job as publisher of a small East Coast paper in a national newspaper chain. She happily shared her good news with me, and asked that I keep it a secret. The current publisher at that paper was still on the job, and didn't know he was being replaced.
"Of course I'll keep your secret," I assured her. "Besides, who would I tell?" I had left the newspaper business a couple years earlier and was now conducting automotive training seminars for one of Detroit's Big Three manufacturers.
Shortly after Sherry told me her good news, I was in Maryland conducting seminars with my training buddy Paul. We drove to Annapolis to find someplace interesting to have dinner. During the course of the conversation that evening, we were talking about East Coast versus West Coast, comparing the pros and cons of each. I talked about how many of my West Coast friends were relocating east, and wondered if I might move there myself. "In fact, my good friend Sherry just got a job on the East Coast and is moving here soon," I said to Paul. I told him briefly about her new job, thinking to myself, "Well, it's OK to tell Paul - he isn't in the newspaper business - he's in the training business. Sherry and Paul don't know any of the same people. It won't hurt to tell him." The conversation moved on, and that was the end of that.
A couple weeks later, I received a sheepish phone call from Paul. "You're not going to believe what happened...," he began. I could tell by the tone of his voice that this was bad news. "I went to a local Chamber of Commerce breakfast here yesterday, and the guest speaker was a woman who is the regional vice president for that newspaper chain you and I were talking about. She gave an interesting presentation about the media and current events -- she was just great. So afterwards I went up to shake her hand and thank her for her presentation. I mentioned that I knew that the local paper was about to get a new publisher, your friend Sherry. Well, she suddenly turned cool and replied, 'No, that's not correct. That paper already has a publisher.' I knew instantly that I had screwed up --obviously this was something I wasn't supposed to know. So I backed off, apologized, and left. But I figured I better call you, because I let the cat out of the bag."
"Oh God," I groaned. I couldn't believe what he told me. What were the chances of Paul crossing paths with Sherry's new boss? I was stunned and mortified. My friend had asked me to keep her secret, and what had I done? Blabbed it to another friend. And now Sherry would be in trouble with her boss for not keeping the new job secret. I had created a royal mess with my indiscretion!
"Well, it's not your fault, Paul," I told him. "I didn't tell you that it was a secret. It never occurred to me that you would repeat it -- much less to someone in the newspaper business! Jeez, this is awful."
"I'm so sorry," he said. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yeah, shoot me," I replied.
I got off the phone and called Sherry immediately. I hoped that I had gotten to her before her new boss did. I told her what had happened, and waited for her to yell at me. She had every right to yell, and more.
She was horrified at my tale, but she didn't yell. "Well, I learned an important lesson here," she said. "If I want my secret to stay a secret, I can't tell anybody."
"I learned an important lesson, too," I replied. When someone asks me to keep something a secret, I need to do just that. There is no such thing as a 'safe' person to tell. I violated your confidence, and I am so sorry. I blew it. Can you ever forgive me? Can I make it up to you somehow?"
"Of course, I forgive you," she said. "But I can't worry about you right now -- I have to call my new boss and clean this up with her. She's gonna think I'm very unprofessional, sharing confidential personnel information with someone else. She might rescind the job offer. I don't know what she'll do. You and I can talk later, but I have to take care of this mess right now."
We got off the phone and I felt just terrible. What kind of a friend was I, creating such a huge problem for my friend? I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to be friends anymore.
But Sherry was a true friend, and she forgave me. In this experience we both saw how easy it is to break a confidence, sharing it with someone you trust, thinking in all sincerity that you hadn't really broken the confidence at all, since it was a trusted friend. Sherry broke her boss's confidence by telling me, and I broke Sherry's confidence by telling Paul. It was a daisy-chain of secret-sharing that created a big mess for all of us. It was a painful lesson, one I'll never forget.
Today when someone asks me, "Can you keep a secret?" I answer, "I'd rather not." Secrets are a dangerous burden I'd rather not carry. And forgiveness is something I'd like to ask for a little less often!
(p.s. Sherry still got the job.)