Just Between Us Girls

My step-mother Karen and I had had a lovely afternoon, one of those "girls' day out" kind of things. We had lunch at a wonderful cafe, then visited some charming boutiques in the desert resort where she and Dad live, and finished our afternoon off with a movie. We had a great time. I often think Karen is more like my sister rather than my step-mom. We have similar tastes, interests and outgoing personalities -- and because she is 20 years younger than Dad, she is closer to my age than to his. We have become good friends and confidantes over the years.

We drove back to the condo where she and Dad have lived since they both retired. As we got out of the car, Karen took several of her packages from the back seat, and put them in the trunk. She had just one small shopping bag in her hand, which she was going to take into the house. As I got out of the car, I said, "I think I'll put my purchases in my car, so I don't have to take them into the house and then into the car later. I'll save myself some work." But what I really meant was, "I'm going to put my bags in my car so that Dad won't see them. I don't want him to know I spent any money." Karen and I were both on the same wave length, and we each knew it.

Dad is from the Depression generation, and he has always been quite frugal. I tease him: "Dad, they don't have luggage racks on hearses, you know!" And he replies, "If I can't take it with me, I'm not going!" We laugh. His thriftiness is a quality that has both good aspects and bad. The up side of his frugality is that he always has money in savings for emergencies; he doesn't lose sleep over debt; all his bills and taxes get paid on time; and he feels secure that he has plenty of money to see him out -- he won't outlive his savings! The down side of frugality is that he worries about not getting the best possible deal; he sometimes hesitates on investments too long, fearful of losing money, and then misses the opportunity entirely; and sometimes his children suspect that he doesn't love them enough because he doesn't want to spend money on their desires.

So, is my Dad the only man in the world like this? Are Karen and I the only two women who hide purchases from the men in their lives? What's the story here?

I've spent some time talking to women about why they hide their purchases, and how money and control issues are intertwined. Many women get their intimacy needs met by the sales clerks in the boutiques they frequent, who flatter and fawn over them, solicitous of their every desire and fantasy. Women also use shopping as a way to express their creativity, buying colorful clothes, decor for the home, and pretty things to make life more visually interesting. Millions of women use shopping as a way of nurturing themselves, filling inner emotional needs that they can't get met from their husbands, lovers, and families.

How women and men handle their money speak volumes about their families, whether or not they feel loved, how they provide for their children, and ways in which they act out their relationships with other family members. Money is intertwined with issues of power, control, sex, self-esteem, love, and loyalty. Hiding purchases is just one small example of how interpersonal issues show up in the family checkbook.

It's important for families to start to take the mystery out of money. I remember when I was a teenager asking my mother how much money Dad made. "That's none of your business," she replied. Money is the last taboo, it seems. People today will talk about their sex lives, their dysfunctional families, alcohol and drug problems, abusive relationships, their illnesses and bodies, their struggles with God -- but talk of money is still verboten. Enough already. It's high time we bring money out of the proverbial closet