The Weekly Shriek -- Bills

I can't believe they are billing us for $8.03.

Johnny looked up from his computer. "Who is?"

"The lab that processed your tests a couple months ago," I said as I typed $8.03 into my online bill pay system. "I guess the insurance paid everything but that."

He shrugged. "It's hardly worth the fee it takes to pay it."

"Well, it's done." I hit 'send' and closed down my computer. "Let's go eat Hummus at Shouf's."

Time passed. One day I was sitting in my recliner with my laptop in my lap.

"Didn't you pay this a couple months ago?" Johnny handed me a bill for $8.03.

"I'm pretty sure I did."

"They are threatening to take our first born," he said.

"I'll check." I clicked over to my bank's web site. I tapped on the keyboard. Nothing happened. I tapped again. "Darn."

"What's wrong?"

"The history function isn't working again."

"You can't tell if you paid it or not?"

"Nope. Not right now."

"It's only $8.03."

I sighed. "I hate writing checks," I said as I wrote a check. "Let's go eat hummus at Shouf's. We can drop it in a mailbox along the way."

Time passed. I was driving past Shouf's when my phone played "You were always on my mind."

I pressed the button on the Bluetooth headset I wore in my ear. "Hi, honey. What's up?"

"We just got a letter from a collection agency on that $8.03 bill," Johnny said.

"I PAID that."

"They say you didn't. Did the check ever clear?"

"Dunno. Never looked."

"I'm busy here. Can you just take care of it?"

I sighed and pulled into LaBella Bean's parking lot. "What's the number?"

A few minutes later, I called the collection company and paid the $8.03 with a credit card.

Time passed.

"Look at this," I held up an envelope. "It's from that lab."

"Don't they EVER give up?" Johnny rolled his eyes.

I tore open the envelope. "I guess not. I KNOW I paid it this time. I'm not paying it aga - wait, what's this?"

"What's what?"

"It's a check."

"A check?"

"For $8.03."

We both giggled.

"You must have over paid them."

"I guess so."

"So now you have an extra $8.03. What are you going to do with it?" Johnny joked.

"Let's go eat hummus at Shouf's."

Time passed.

Johnny came in the house with his arms full of mail. "You aren't going to believe this."

"What now?"

"You have another check from the lab for $8.03."

"You're kidding."

"How many times did you pay them?"

"Every time they asked."

"So what's going on here?"

"I have no idea. Between them and us, we've spent more than $8.03 on postage and banking fees and checks and collections."

"We're $8.03 ahead now. Let's go eat hummus at Shouf's," he tucked the check into his shirt pocket.

Time passed.

It was raining as I collected the mail. I cradled assorted catalogs, coupon books and bills against my chest and rain for the front door.

"Johnny!" I stamped my feet and shook the water out of my hair like a soaked sheepdog.

"What?"

I held up an envelope. "It's from the lab."

We stared at it.

"Which is it," I asked. "Bill or check?"

Johnny dug a quarter out of his pocket. "Wanna flip?"