The Weekly Shriek -- Key Limes & Coconut Palms

Hey everyone! I'm just back from beautiful Key West where watching cats leap through hoops in Mallory Square at sunset is one of the tamer ways to have fun. It's a colorful place. Iridescent chickens wander the streets and awaken tourists with their daybreak songs, scruffy little dogs surf the waves off their own beach, and bars are as historic as the lighthouses. Everything is an adventure -- shopping, scootering, drinking -- even dinner. For example, at Camille's the menu listed both erotic and orgasmic potatoes. When one of my dinner companions asked what the difference was, the waiter said, "Depends on whether I serve them with my shirt on or off."

Did you hear about the impending tragedy about to be visited on the world by the UPN network? They are going to cancel Star Trek: Enterprise at the end of this season if someone doesn't do something about it. How could they even consider such a thing? Surely some good Samaritan somewhere will come up with the funds to keep the series rolling. Where's Ted Turner these days? Where's Bill Gates? Donald Trump? Michael Jackson? Well, I guess Michael has been busy lately.

Did you see where Steve Fossett is at it again? This time he's going to fly an airplane around the world nonstop alone. Twenty-three thousand miles. Now this is a man who likes getting away from it all. Good luck Steve. You're my hero.

How about those Oscars? Seems that even Chris Rock couldn't pump up their ratings, although he can be a pretty funny guy. Guess not too many people want to tune into these pseudo-live shows now that there's no chance for costume malfunctions. Actually, I have to confess to not having seen any of the nominated movies -- it was a new record. I didn't even see previews of most of them. However, I did watch part of the Academy Award Show itself -- propped up on the bed in a Key West condo sipping Margueritas and eating conch fritters. I have a thing for guys like Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood -- mature, intelligent, and sexy as hell. Congratulations to both of them and to Hilary, Jamie, and all the others. Of course it would have been a lot more fun if some form of nakedness had happened -- like that time a streaker interrupted David Niven who was a presenter. Now that's a show.

Check out Pat McGrath Avery's review of Janie DeVos' book "The Path Winds Home" on www.theCelebrityCafe.com -- especially if you have kids. One of the highlights of my trip was meeting Janie who is a dynamite writer of children's books. Also, be sure to read Dominick's interview of Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It was a great revelation to me, since I thought chili peppers were accoutrements for Mexican cuisine -- shows how much I know about cooking. Anyway, there was a lot of exposing going on so I enjoyed the interview a lot. Michael Mardings reviews Blue Merle Burning in the Sun album. Sounds like he likes it. Janet Pope describes a marvelous winter vacation at the Woodloch Pines resort in Pennsylvania. I guess if you have to deal with snow that's a good place to do it. The photos are by her husband Donald. It sounds great, although I bet it's not nearly as wacky as Key West.

There are lots of contests running on TheCelebrityCafe.com this week. Don't miss them -- especially the "Make a Suggestion" ones. There are a ton of CDs on the line for anyone brave enough or creative enough to come up with a good idea or two. Hey, how about this one? Why don't you guys suggest that Dominick send me to LA write about Morgan Freeman or Clint Eastwood? What do you think? Worth a few CDs to you?

Finally, in Key West, my son refused to let me ride on his rented scooter -- well, not exactly refused. He said it was unsafe. Said that it was uncomfortable. Said the speedometer didn't work. The brakes were bad. Hmmm. Didn't seem to slow him down any. Guess he was just worried about his old mother. Right? Then a friend gave me twenty-two dollar bill folded into a ring. A little later on, someone pointed to it and said, "Is that real?" Until next time, remember that nothing is what it seems.