Bad Movie Night: "Sunday School Musical"

BAD MOVIE OF THE WEEK: "Sunday School Musical" (2008)

S.A. (SELF-AWARENESS) RATING: 4. If they are aware, they aren't giving much indication.

RUNDOWN

Zach (Chris Chatman) is the star of his church's school choir. At the regional competition, he leads his fun-loving multi-racial choir to victory over the awkward tone-deaf white choir that cannot dance and act like they really don't want to be there. The problems start when Zach's mom loses her job and he has to move. Of course, the only choir in the near vicinity is the boring awkward white choir from regionals which is led by the poor man's Megan Fox and a Caucasian Carlton, the pretentious cousin from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". (I didn't care enough about the last two characters to remember their names, so I will refer to them in the rest of the article as Megan Faux and White Carlton.) Zach joins the choir and sings a song about getting down for God, and they instantly learn how to carry a tune and dance in sync. Check out the music number here.

A clichéd subplot has the church that sponsors the fun multi-racial choir running into financial troubles. There is the obligatory emotional scene where the choir director tells the kids that the church will shut down unless they get X-amount of money. Coincidentally, the prize money from winning the state competition is just enough to keep the church running.

Long story short, the boring white choir and fun multi-racial choir set aside their differences and work together to win the state competition because after all, we're all in this together. Oh wait, wrong movie…

FUN DANCE MOVES!

Most conservative Christians do not like people who move their hips while dancing. Some dancers would find this constricting, but the choreographers of "Sunday School Musical" were not discouraged. Instead, they dug deep inside their creative minds and pulled out some of these classic moves. Click here to see some of these moves in action.

1. The Step-and-Clap: The dancer takes one step forward/backward/to the right/to the left. They clap. They take another step forward/backward/to the left/to the right. They clap. Repeat.

2. The Step-and-Snap: This move is almost identical to the step-and-clap, except that the step-and-clap is usually employed by white choirs while the step-and-snap is a favorite of multi-racial choirs and the dancing gangs from "West Side Story."

3. The Slow-Motion Train: The dancers stand in a line and hold their arms at a ninety-degree angle at their sides with their knees slightly bent. They then move their arms in a circular motion while bending their knees so that they might resemble a train moving in slow motion. Accidental hip movement is not a problem with this move, but girls with junk in the trunk must be careful not to move their junk too much lest they tempt their male friends with said junk.

4. The Jazz Hand Dramatic Reach: The dancer holds one hand out in front of them with their fingers spread as wide as they can. They raise their hand up to the sky, and their eyes and head follow their fingers as though there is something in the distance (perhaps Heaven) that they are concentrating on. This move is good for the end of a hopeful song, and it looks strong without appearing rebellious or defiant.

LIP SYNCING BELIEVABILITY SCALE

I give "Sunday School Musical" 3 out of 10 in this category. Some of the actors were not terrible, but as lead male, Zach killed this category for the rest of the cast. Either Zach does not actually need to open his mouth when he sings or he could not remember the inane lyrics to the movie's interchangeable and forgettable songs.

SIMILARITIES TO HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

There are surprisingly few similarities between this movie and the "High School Musical" series, but here are some of the parallels I noticed between the two movies.

1. Whenever Troy ("HSM") or Zach ("SSM") gets upset, they go to a special secret place up on the roof. The main difference is that Troy gets a cool garden up on his rooftop getaway while Zach gets a plain concrete city rooftop.

2. There is a shy girl with glasses who does not talk a lot. In "HSM," her name is Kelsi, and in "SSM," her name is Margaret. In the battle of the shy girls, however, Kelsi wins hands down. Kelsi is a musician who writes music while Margaret is, well, there I guess. She takes up space on screen and remembered her few lines, but other than that, she doesn't do much.

3. Each movie has one overly-groomed token gay. "HSM" has Ryan while "SSM" has White Carlton. Ryan is far superior to White Carlton if only because he wears awesome hats and I happen to collect hats.

BEST TWIST THAT NEVER HAPPENS

Zach's dad is serving in the military and is gone for almost the entire movie. Megan Faux's mom died a few months ago. If I would have written this movie, I would have had Zach's mom marry Megan's dad and turned the Zach/Megan romance into a forbidden incestuous one.

FINAL THOUGHTS

"Sunday School Musical" makes me a little sad actually. The writers and producers of this film are so certain that they have their finger on the pulse of today's young people, but the product of their labor is unspeakably corny.

I know that their intentions are true. They want to provide a clean alternative to "High School Musical," a movie wrought with sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, but sadly what they have created is something that very few teens in their right mind will want to watch.

SEE IT, SKIP IT

Skip it. Sell it online and send the profits to VH1's Save the Music Foundation so that the next generation will make a better musical.