Bad Movie Night: "Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal"

BAD MOVIE OF THE WEEK: "Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal" (2006)

"Diary of a Cannibal"-sorry, excuse me, "Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal" is pretentious, boring, and hurt my eyes. I was actually looking forward to this movie. I hadn't reviewed a slasher film yet, and I enjoy low-budget horror films. The lack of money usually means that filmmakers get creative in their execution. (No pun intended.) Instead, I got an over-the-top orchestral score (courtesy of Moon Sombre who probably live with their moms and shop at Hot Topic), painfully slow pacing, and not one, not two, but seven Bible verses. The only upside was that the film was free on Hulu, so I only lost time, not money. If you still feel like watching this movie after reading the review, you can watch it for free here.

S.A. (SELF-AWARENESS) RATING: 2. There is a brief moment when I thought the filmmakers might know how ridiculous this whole movie was, but then Ulli Lommel plastered the screen with his name and another Bible verse about sacrificial lambs, and I thought, "Naw, they don't have a clue."

RUNDOWN

The title of the movie might be "Diary of a Cannibal," but for the life of me, I can't figure out why. There is no diary in this movie. Nobody in this movie keeps a written record of their daily joys and anguishes. Maybe that's the problem. If these kids would have had a creative outlet like writing, events might have unfolded differently.

Adam (Trevor Parsons) and Noelle (Jillian Swanson) are in love. We can tell because the camera shows Adam and Noelle running on the beach together a lot. I thought for a second I had accidentally clicked something and was watching reruns of "Baywatch."

Adam and Noelle met online, not on World of Warcraft, but on an online dating site. Adam is looking for someone to who is "sensitive and open-minded" who is willing to make the "ultimate sacrifice." Anyone who includes the words "ultimate sacrifice" in an online ad has obvious problems.

Adam tells Noelle that he wants her to kill and eat him so that he can be a part of her forever. When she refuses, he pouts and says, "If you love me, you'll do it." Who can argue with that logic?

Adam and Noelle drive to a warehouse in the middle of nowhere. Noelle paints a mural of Mount Olympus on one of the walls, and they set the table for dinner. She ties him to a large metal X, stabs him with a knife, cuts him open, pulls out his intestines, and arranges them neatly on a plate. She then grills his innards, boils some potatoes and carrots to go on the side, and opens a bottle of wine. (Sadly, I couldn't see the wine label, so I guess I will never know what kind of wine to serve with grilled human.)

Noelle is discovered and goes to prison, but this is not the end of the movie. Adam's mother convinces one of Noelle's inmates to kill her which results in one of the fakest prison fight scenes ever made. Noelle goes to the hospital that looks nothing like a hospital and a lot like a warehouse. (I found out afterwards that the hospital scenes were actually filmed in a warehouse.) After telling her story to the police, she dies for no apparent reason. The epilogue reads, "'Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal' is based on a true story that took place in the 21st century." Years from now, people might look back on this film and say, "21st century? This could have happened anytime between 2000 and 2100! Well, that's a lot of time. There probably was someone somewhere who was dumb enough to do what they did."

HEY, ISN'T THAT…? :

There aren't any recognizable stars, but there are plenty of people on the production team that think they are stars. As I have mentioned, Ulli Lommel plasters his name across the screen any chance he gets, but the film's editor almost top Lommel in pretentiousness. The film's editor goes by "XGIN" in the credits. XGIN, I don't know what your real name is, but only tools go by names like XGIN. (See McG.)

So long as I'm talking about XGIN, the film's "editor," I have a few things to say about the editing of "Diary of a-"sorry, I did it again, "Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal." The editing hurt my eyes after about 15 minutes. XGIN needs to learn that there are lots of ways to edit. Slow dissolves are not the only way to transition between shots or scenes. Also, I know that iMovie features like the old movie filter are exciting, but they should be used thoughtfully instead of inconsistently thrown over about half of the film's flash-back sequences.



NAKED TIME! :

There are two nude scenes in this movie, one with Adam and one with Noelle. Adam's naked scene is relatively tame. He only shows his naked backside, and even that is partially obscured by the metal X behind him. The only part of this scene worth mentioning is the music. The musical soundtrack is generally ridiculous throughout, but in this scene, I expected there to be an entire symphony orchestra in his pants.

Noelle's nude scene, in contrast, is just plain weird. Noelle is sprawled across the bed asleep, and Adam cuts his palm, smearing his blood all over Noelle's naked body. I can only imagine the meeting that Jillian Swanson had with her agent after reading this scene in the script.

JILLIAN: Well, I don't know. It seems awfully early in my career to do a nude scene.

AGENT: No, no, no, it's the perfect time! You are young, sexy, and your body will never look so good! If you show your breasts, everyone will respect you as a serious artist. This nude scene will do wonders for your career.

JILLIAN: I still don't know…With the blood and everything, I just don't know…

AGENT: Look, Jillian baby, you have to remember that you are working with Ulli Lommel. Ulli Lommel! You are in good hands.



MID-MOVIE CRAVINGS:

Maybe I'm crazy, but movies about cannibalism always give me a case of the munchies. When Noelle takes Adam's innards over to the grill, I wondered if she was going to marinate them first in a nice teriyaki or honey barbeque sauce, and then I got a wicked craving for some biscuits, coleslaw, and potato salad. I hope the KFC around the corner is open late.



QUOTABLE QUOTES:

These cannibalistic lovebirds can find any excuse to get lovey-dovey and make out for awhile. Take this scene, for example, where they are drinking coffee.

NOELLE: Tastes good.

ADAM: You want some more sugar?

NOELLE: No, it's perfect.

ADAM: …Perfection…I like that.

NOELLE: Devotion?

ADAM: Yes.

NOELLE: Love?

ADAM: Unconditional love.

NOELLE: Heaven?

ADAM: Yes.



MOVIE MVP:

I was watching this movie on Hulu, and on Hulu, they break up their TV shows and movies with the occasional advertisement. Sometimes, though, the timing of the ads is kind of funny. Right after Noelle ties up Adam and prepares to stab him, the movie cut away to an advertisement featuring Kenneth, the NBC page from "30 Rock." Smiling Kenneth was inadvertently the best part of "Diary of a"-oh geez, I did it again! I meant "Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal." Kudos, Kenneth!



WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? :

This comment is directed at the editor. That's right, XGIN, I'm talking to you again, so listen up. During a half-hearted sex scene between Adam and Noelle, you kept fading between the bedroom and a couple of ducks swimming. Is it a commentary on nature and the fact that we're a bunch of animals? Are the ducks going to have sex and then participate in a pseudo-religious duck sacrifice? XGIN, your metaphors are obviously so brilliant that my tiny brain cannot comprehend you and Ulli Lommel's majestic ideas. I'm sure that years from now, people will look at this sex scene/duck pond cross-over and say, "Sex and ducks…XGIN was an editing genius."

FINAL SUMMARY:

After reading my thoughts on "Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal," it may seem that this movie has no redeeming value. The truth is that the film itself does not have any redeeming value, but after I thought about it, "Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal" has one important lesson to teach today's teen and preteen girls. I do not want to subject anyone else to this stupid movie, so here is the sole lesson of "Ulli Lommel's Diary of a Cannibal."

Girls, put down your copies of "Twilight" and listen up. Books like "Twilight" might make a vampire's life look glamorous, but the reality is that Bella is a teenage girl who wants to change who she is irreversibly for her high school boyfriend. Compare Bella with Noelle for a moment. Bella wants her boyfriend to suck her blood and turn her into a blood-thirsty creature so that they can be together forever. Adam asks Noelle to eat him so that they can be together forever. Both of these girls are making terrible decisions, but while Edward-crazed teenage girls might not see the insanity in Bella, they might see that Noelle is acting like a moron.

Twilight fans, asking someone suck your blood or eat your heart so that you can be together forever is not romantic. Stephenie Meyer might call this "love," but you must be smarter than that. If you live together forever with your high school sweetheart, you might end up wishing that you could die just so that you can get away from them. If you eat a person's heart, they won't be inside you forever. They will only be inside of you until you shit them back out.



SEE IT, SKIP IT:

Skip it! Send it to Ulli Lommel's house along with Ed Wood's collection so that he can feel the pain of every person who has watched his horrendous film.



BONUS! :

Check out the slowest closing credits of all time.