Tom Cruise Doesn't Believe in South Park

Apparently, Tom Cruise has succeeded in accomplishing a fourth Impossible Mission: defeating Trey Stone and Matt Parker, the masterminds behind Comedy Central's "South Park." Allegedly, the South Park Scientology-satire "Trapped in the Closet," which has already led to the resignation of the voice behind Chef, Isaac Hayes (an outspoken Scientologist himself), was pulled from reruns after Tom Cruise threatened to stop promoting his new film, "Mission Impossible III." Stone and Parker, however, gave Cruise a glib retort: "So, Scientology, you have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun," the duo wrote in a press release. "Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!" The episode dealt with Stan earning such a high score on his Scientology test that many believe him to be the next L. Ron Hubbard, leading to Cruise and fellow Scientologist John Travolta locking themselves in a closet.