Big Brother All-Stars Season Finale

I've never watched an entire finale episode before, probably because they are ridiculously boring in a really indignant way. Here are the highlights: Erika doesn't have a chance and knows it but still tries to be really smug, Mike Boogie owns many restaurants and doesn't need the money which makes him even more of a bum because he did this just to get on TV, Erika gets too much credit for Will's eviction because everyone is concerned with making her the villain and she herself would like to be credited with at least one pro-active quality for the season even though Janelle entirely masterminded that stunt no matter what she or anyone else says.

So, we begin in the Jury House with Janelle's arrival. Jani begins the hateration on Erika. Hmm, did you guys hear the rumors about Chill Town and certain houseguests? OK, well, ALLEGEDLY, all of Will's rubber duckie theater showcases were just ways of him using subtle talk to let people know that an alliance is equal to splitting the winner's money. And, ALLEGEDLY, Janelle jumped on board. And, ALLEGEDLY, the producers didn't shut off the feed in time before someone explained how the payouts would go down. Apparently, the alliance members would be credited as consultants for somebody's business and that way CBS can't touch them, you know because splitting profits goes against the hamster contracts with the network. I didn't see any of this information myself, but it would explain a lot of the loyalty that went on in that house. I don't know, guys. I certainly wouldn't trust a member of Chill Town to give me an illegal cut of the cash after they legally won the money. I can already picture Janelle tearing out her extensions after leaving Will a 1,987th unreturned voicemail.

Anyway, the jury hates hard on Erika until Danielle points out how sexist they are being and that Mike didn't play the game any cleaner than Erika. Howie notes Erika should win because her game was so transparent to the whole house, and they had her on the block three times, yet they never evicted her. I have to agree with that.

The jury gets a chance to talk to the nominees. Erika boasts that she did what no one else could do by evicting Will. Argggh. Mike ends things with a marvelous speech declaring he learned something from every member in the house. Mike got motivation from Marcellas, entertainment from Howie, a challenge from Janelle and James and inspiration from Danielle and George. Mike finished the speech with, "Please vote like All-Stars and reward my game play." Ha, I must admit that speech was good. Erika must have been sleeping when Mike prepared that.

Back at the studio, the Jury of Seven places their keys for the winner in the voting box, and are then presented with the first five rejects. The first five evictees have had the luxury of seeing every episode that has aired in its entirety. The Jury has only seen the episodes of their evictions and those episodes have had all Diary Room sessions edited out. That is lame and unfair and just boring.

Kaysar boo-hoos to Janelle that James made the game personal. Both James and Janelle give politically correct answers consisting of stress relief and forgiveness: boring. Jase and Diane boast about their Mr. and Mrs. Smith alliance. Hmm, boasting about a crappy alliance that didn't even get you through the first half of the game. Losers. Alison decides to take some season four revenge on Erika by telling her she got played the whole season by Mike and she should take her money and buy some dignity. Ouch, even I don't dislike Erika that much.

Well, Julie counts the votes. All but Marcellas voted for Mike. Mike is the winner. Will meets him at the door and they give each other a big hug and then make-out. OK, they don't make-out, but I bet they wanted to. There is also an America's Vote for a $25,000 Jury Prize. Of course, America votes Janelle the winner. I've always respected Janelle's competitive superiority, that is why I never got into the bad hair, poor fashion choices and odd facial features before, and I won't now. Erika barely even gets a mention of the $50,000 second place prize she won. Another season of self-inflicted public humiliation has ended. I don't watch "Survivor" so I shall be deprived of the entertainment for another year. Oh, wait, "Project Runway" is on tonight.