Lesh, Kay - author of 'Our Money, Ourselves'
By: Dominick A. Miserandino
DM) Would you say your book can apply to men, too, rather than just to women?
KL) The book was written primarily for women, because much of the work my
co-author and I have done has been with women. Money issues tend to be
different for women because of the cultural and family messages telling women
it's unfeminine to deal with money. Men get opposite messages. They ARE
supposed to deal with money, to "automatically" know how to handle it and to
make lots of it. So, they get pressure of a different sort. I believe men
would benefit from looking at their messages about money, and they could
adapt what we say about women to fit them. At the very least, our book will
help men better understand the women in their lives, especially given the
fact that a major issue couples fight about is money.
DM) Besides gender, how strong are some other issues which influence our
views on money, such as age and culture?
KL) Age and culture help define our gender roles, so it is difficult to
separate out just where one stops and the other starts. In our Western
culture, we do see some different attitudes in different age groups. You
probably know older women who have been really lost when they become widowed.
Because the husband has always taken care of the money, these women have
minimal knowledge of how to handle it. They are the ones we read about in the
newspaper who have fallen prey to some slick talking swindler. Or, they are
afraid to invest money they have and so keep it hidden under the mattress or
in some bank account which pays such low interest they may as well keep it
under the mattress. Why did the "Beardstown Ladies" (before their fall from
grace) make headlines? Because we don't expect older women to be savvy with
money. More cases in point: There are wives who don't know how much money
their husbands make. The husbands deal with all the finances. Younger women
have the advantage of having more money of their own, so they are perhaps
more comfortable with it, but they're still not immune to messages which hold
them back. All age groups need to be aware of old depowering messages to let
go of them so we can write new ones.
DM) Will a healthy balance come for women in our lifetimes?
KL) Yes. That's why we wrote Our Money, Ourselves. Women are ready for this
balance. As women, we have made so many changes in other areas that money is
the last frontier. Letting go of old ideas allows us to use money as a tool
and let go of the emotional stuff that's holding us back.
DM) In your book, you talk about self-sabotage. I find that all too often,
right when the opportunity for success comes around, I both avoid and ignore
it. How does one overcome that?
KL) Ah, you've hit upon the power our old messages have over us!! They are
so ingrained, and that's why they are so sneaky. We act on them without
really being conscious of what's going on. It's like being on automatic
pilot. Many of our old messages, and the resulting self-sabotaging
behaviors, are based on fears. We need to identify and label the fears, and
then check them for reality. Most of the old fears no longer fit. It also
helps to identify the source of the old messages. Then we can clearly see
that these messages are not relevant to how we want to live our lives today.
Bringing the old messages out in the open changes our reality and our
behavior.
DM) But simply identifying them can make that much of a difference?
KL) Well, yes and no. Identifying the old messages is very important.
Sometimes awareness in itself is powerful enough that that is all that's
needed. We get that "Ah Ha" jolt, and things are never the same. We can't
continue our old behaviors with quite the same gusto, once we have our
awareness raised. That's the "yes" part of the answer. A second part, which
is the "no" part, is that change takes work. If we can couple our newly
found awareness with a desire to change, we are on the way to behavior which
is healthier for us. We give suggestions for changing old behaviors in Our
Money, Ourselves.
DM) What have readers' reactions been?
KL) We have gotten very supportive responses from readers. Women like the
ideas in the book, and the exercises, to help them make changes. I've had
women say things like, "That's exactly what I do," or "That's an issue that
I've wondered about." Men also have been very positive and have said the book
helps them understand the women in their lives. This is not a "male-bashing"
book, and most men have seen it as a useful explanation of some of the
dynamics which have been problematic in relationships.
DM), Changing behaviors can be a very difficult thing. How does somebody
find the strength to do that?
KL) Behavioral change can indeed be difficult. We hang on to old stuff, not
because it serves us well, but because we are used to it. It is important to
know that change is possible. One thing that we help readers do is to form a
vision of how they would like their relationship with money to be. With this
clear vision, change becomes possible. We encourage them to write down their
goals and explore ways they might sabotage their change. Enlist the aid of
friends to encourage you in your growth. Start small and build on what you
have accomplished. Keep your vision of how you want things to be clear, and
keep moving toward it.
DM) It sounds a lot easier said than done.
KL) Depends on how you look at it. Change is part of the human condition;
nothing remains static. Changing our attitudes and thus our behaviors is a
positive way of living. We are capable of changing our lives, and people do
it every day. We return to school to update old skills or learn new ones. We
make health-related changes, such as stopping smoking or changing eating
behaviors. We leave a dead-end job for a more rewarding one. It happens all
the time. Why not drop old hurtful attitudes and add more growth-producing
ones? I strongly believe in the power of individuals to change.
DM) There are those who say, "People never change. The person you meet now
is the same one you'll know in 20 years." What do you think?
KL) If I agreed with that statement, I would need to give up my career as a
therapist. People need information, encouragement, a belief that they can
take control over their lives, and an action plan to do just that. Here is a
quote I like; I think it illustrates what I'm talking about. It's from a
futurist named Joel Barker. He says: " Vision without action is just
daydreaming; action without vision is merely biding time, but vision plus
action can change the world." In our book, we have tried to give women both
vision and an action plan. Let me know if you have further questions.
Talk to other readers about this story.
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