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Fantastic Four

With the recent spate of classic comics turned movie flicks taking a bite of the box office biz, it’s no wonder that some of these fanciful features outshine others in overall entertainment value. Hits like “X-Men” and the hugely successful “Spiderman” movies have promised and delivered visually stunning and action-packed thrills. They have done a good job of enrapturing the kids with sometimes silly prattle and gags-o-plenty in the middle of death-defying leaps. Also, in another respect, they have risen to a level that has satisfied more serious movie-goers with plot sequences that are complex and interesting and ever-changing. The “Fantastic Four,” which opened in theaters this past Friday, does not meet either of those two criteria. At best and worst, it’s one of those wham-bam-thank you-ma’am-for-all-your-children’s-admission-fares films. And unfortunately, robbery is not a felony in the movie kingdom even if it warns you of it with its outrageous prices at the concession stand.

The story about a bunch of astro-nerd-nauts blasted up into earth’s orbit to intercept a radioactive storm headed for earth is premise enough for what one hopes will make for a semi-enjoyable ride. If you’re thinking you might have heard something similar at one time, “Armageddon” bells are surely going off in your head. But just remember that was a giant rock, this is El Nino. And that is where one should remain, recalling the times when Bruce Willis laid on the bathos as he’s being left on a meteor being blown to smithereens. I couldn’t fake a memory of “Fantastic” which had me on end about whether one of them was going to meet their Doom, Von Doom that is. Victor Von Doom is billionaire mogul played by Julian McMahon: he’s the Four’s one and only enemy.

Certainly, the biggest mistake this movie has is the desire for the filmmakers to want to have to explain every minute detail possible in a comic universe. Clocking in at an interminably long two hours, the movie could be hacked and hewed down into a semi-decent movie short of about 45 minutes. At the same time, it might be a good reason to cut my overly-priced movie ticket in half too. With an hour and a half of hearing “what are we?” and “how did we get this way?” and “look, you’re turning into something funny-looking!” is enough for any audience member who hasn’t passed out of indifference to say: “just get on with it!”

And just who are they that talk and talk? Jessica Alba (Dark Angel) stars assumingly as the “sexy” Sue Storm, or The Invisible Woman. At many times during the film, Alba’s greatest performances were indeed when she couldn’t be seen. Alba goes through great pains in the film to try to pull off various ages for whatever reason, at times seeming older and then younger and then older again. Her brother, the Human Torch, is played by Chris Evans (Not Another Teen Movie). The “rocker bad boy,” who just wants to have fun with his new superpowers, comes off as limpy and trite. Rebellious talk like “get off my ass” pointed at his overprotective sister seemed not only unsubstantiated three-quarters of the way into the film, but completely unnecessary in the middle of a bunch of nothing going on. It’s assumed the filmmakers will find some level of drama to be necessary to have one of its main characters like Evans walk out only to come back later on to save the day.

Now, The Thing is played by Michael Chicklis. Early on, and through much of the film really, the man made all of rock is down in the dumps because he looks like a cracked-up boulder. It seems it’s a common feeling to have some reservations about having new powers and being different than the rest of humanity. Always there’s a turnaround and The Thing will happily embrace his rocky frame to forever go on fighting the no-good. The problem is of course that his obvious epiphany comes so near the very end.

Last but not least is Mr. Fantastic himself, played by Ioan Gruffudd. The man who should be the hero of the story, turns out to be the most bland and unexciting character in comic book history. He makes Clark Kent look like a journalist stud—something I’d aspire to actually had I a double identity. And Gruffud seems the only actor of the bunch who had decided to tackle on this film as something serious and worthy of meaningful expressions. (Admittedly, I couldn’t really tell if Chicklis was giving it his all behind all the cement make-up)

Gruffud’s perplexed and empty stares are maybe what made the movie so infuriating. In other comic book incarnations, there are at times when many a wink and a nod to the camera lets us all know that this fantasy nonsense is just for fun. There wasn’t a time in “The Fantastic Four” when it didn’t feel like we weren’t being talked down to, laying it on so thick as if us mere mortals couldn’t possibly keep up with comic book quantum physics. Now, I understand there are times where a little background info is warranted and helpful, but Dickensian exposition is never the extreme one shoots for.

On TheCelebrityCafe.com movie scale, this excuse of a film lies squarely on a two, just shy of abysmal for the lone reason that the movie theater was somewhat empty when I went. Hopefully, the supernova heat generated by the Human Torch will ignite all copies of this ghastly production and future generations will not be exposed to its radioactive boredom.

Written by: Christopher J. Perez

Reviewers Rating: 2
Reader's Rating: 8.00
Reader's Votes: 6

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