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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is as frustrating as a movie can be. When I was a little kid, I used to go over to my friend’s house and play with his action figures. Together, we would set up bases, choose our characters and establish intricate plots. If you’ve ever read “Calvin and Hobbes” or watched “Muppet Babies,” you know how elaborate young children’s, or Muppet’s, imaginations can be.

A decade later, I find myself babysitting little kids with similar playtime endeavors. It’s rather endearing to see them, continuing what my friends and I once did. They play with their action figures, set up bases, and their own plots. But in watching them play with their toys, speak in the oddest voices, and odder lingo, I tried to make sense of this world they were concocting. I couldn’t. What I once thought was ingenious, I now realized was foolishness. For the kids involved in the process, it was no doubt glorious fun. Enacting crazy stories with action figures is awesome when you’re 6! But for everyone not on the same wavelength, pretty much any outsider watching the scene, it was idiotic.

For this movie, Michael Bay has been given a seemingly unlimited field to work with. And, like a kid with too many action figures, what he decides to do with the tools at his disposal may be fun for him, but for onlookers paying money to watch—it’s a dreary experience.

For the life of me, I could not figure out what the heck was going on. I left the theater feeling foggy-headed, disoriented, and dazed. I hadn’t been entertained. I had been assaulted. And for what? I didn’t’ leave the theater pumped up and excited, I left it bored, annoyed, frustrated.

I’m really at a loss for words to describe what I had just seen. I quite literally had no idea what had just happened. I distinctly remember Megan Fox being absurdly attractive and Shia LaBeouf yelling “OPTTTIMMMUSSSSSS!” about 5,000 times, but everything else was a CGI haze. Watching the film hadn’t been an adventure, or entertainment, or anything that a movie about FIGHTING ROBOTS should be. Instead it was like reading a textbook late at night, studying for an exam. You keep reading the words, but you can’t comprehend for the life of you what they mean. I saw what was happening on screen. I heard many, many, god-awful lines recited, followed by explosions and clanking of metal. But I couldn’t comprehend any of it. I took absolutely nothing from this movie. Nothing. It may as well not even exist.

Shia LaBeouf isn’t terrible, but as a leading actor he’s most uninteresting to watch. He has some wit, but the movie belabors the point. Obviousness is this movie’s middle name. You think two dogs humping is funny? Try seeing it over and over and over. You like Sam’s mom's character in the first film? She’s featured so much you could make a spin-film with the scenes featuring her character alone. You like giant robot fighting action? Why not 200 percent more of it!!! You get the picture.

Even Optimus Prime makes for a sorry hero. His statements and philosophical musings are trite and bound to roll eyeballs. “Fate rarely calls on us at a time of our own choosing,” Optimus drones to Shia. For a giant talking robot who turns into a truck, he needs to chill out. It’s not that this movie doesn’t have a sense of fun; it tries I suppose.

A brief mention must be made to Mudflap and Skids, the Jar Jar Binks-esque autobots, towards whom much talk has been directed. Yes, they are annoying. Yes, they make an awful movie even worse than it should be. Shia is freakin’ Conan O’Brien compared to them. It’s just poor comedy. It sinks below levels of recent Eddie Murphy comedy. To think anyone would find these characters funny is depressing.

And that’s the worst aspect of this film. This is bad action. It fails as an action film to establish any credibility or tension. Whatever. It is also an ABSOLUTE and UTTER FAILURE in generating any worthy humor. It’s not labeled as a comedy, but with its quota of jokes per minute, it could easily be qualified as one, as you are ever likely to see. It’s true, watching a child play with his toys isn’t only boring, it’s just plain stupid.

Written by: Matthew Doyle

Reviewers Rating: 1.5
Reader's Rating: 4.50
Reader's Votes: 2

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