Season of the Witch
Ghost Rider and Hellboy unite to destroy witches, demons, and their credibility as actors in an effort to stop the Black Plague in 14th century Europe. Behmen (Nic Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman) are crusaders with a conscience who have grown tired and wary of the Church’s motives and methods for reclaiming the Holy Land. After being ordered to storm a fortress, Behmen accidentally slays an innocent woman in a chaotic melee. Behmen, despite killing thousands prior to this incident, is disturbed by the death of the latest victim. Felson is as disturbed by the recent developments as his friend Behmen and they decide to desert the crusader army. This decision is not taken kindly by their commander who despite being infuriated with their actions is incapable of stopping this fearsome duo. These two set out on a journey back home and along the way they encounter a city ravaged by a mysterious plague. While in the city, they are revealed as knights and are arrested for dissention. Imprisoned, they are given an ultimatum; to either fulfill their vow to the church and help transport a girl being held prisoner, or face execution for their transgressions. The accused prisoner is believed to be a witch and the cause of the plague. The priests of the city feel that the only way to lift this epidemic is to transport the girl to a remote abbey where she will face trial.
Nic Cage takes the job not out of fear for his life, but to ensure that this girl whom he met minutes ago gets a fair trial. Joining them on this journey are a priest, a seasoned knight, a petty criminal, and a youth with aspirations of being a crusader .After setting out on this adventure, ridiculousness ensues as this ensemble group is met by witches, wolves, and collapsing bridges, none of which can bring a shred of excitement to this film. The movie progresses in this manner until a laughable climax, that contains some poorly executed twists that I wouldn’t want to give away to anyone who may have the misfortune of seeing Cage’s latest flop.
This movie is truly one of the year’s worst. Nic Cage behaves and acts even more ridiculously than he looks, decked out in a suit of armor. He uses a nondescript accent that he only decides to showcase at select points in the film. Perlman takes a different approach than Cage and doesn’t even bother attempting an accent. Hellboy looks very out of place in the dark ages; however this has never stopped him from taking on roles that share a similar setting as in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege. This may be the worst duo to hit the big screen since Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff teamed up to battle monsters in Alone in the Dark.
Overall, this movie never hits a proper stride and seems to struggle with its identity. So fragmented and disjointed is the script that it almost appears that different writers penned the beginning, middle, and end. The film initially tries to be deeper and more philosophical than it is. It seems that the writers realized this half-way-through the script, and abandoned all pretense of deeper meaning and decided to turn Season of the Witch into a Cage-fueled action flick. The dialogue and interaction between characters was forced and came off very awkward throughout the film. A prime example of this would be when Behmen is telling his fellow adventurers how they came to join the crusader army: "The priest came to us and said that if we would fight in the crusade, God would forgive us for our sins. Felson (Perlman) asked if that meant all sins, and the priest said yes. 'How long would I have to enlist for adultery?' Felson asked. '2 years,' replied the priest. 'What about robbery?' asked Felson. '3 years', the priest replied. 'Well, in that case, better sign me up for 10.” I am guessing that if Cage and Perlman were to have asked that priest how many years of service it would take for their performance in this debacle to be forgiven, the priest would shake his head and reply “at least 20.”
If the same circumstances were presented to me with the reward not being absolution, but rather not ever having to endure this movie, I would have replied “sign me up for eternity.”