'A Son Is a Son Till He Gets a Wife,' by Anne Kathryn Killinger
Pain and sorrow practically jump off the pages of A Son Is a Son Till He Gets a Wife: How Toxic Daughters-in-Law Destroy Families. Author Anne Kathryn Killinger knows all too well the deep-seated anguish that literally invades and takes over one's life when you lose a son - not to illness or accident, but to his wife. Killinger has two sons, one of which was hijacked from her family in a brutal and cruel way and is seemingly lost to her forever. This is about that story, and how it evolved. But it is more than that, it's a journey that leads to acceptance if not reunion, and a manual for others who inexplicably find themselves mired in such a situation.
In an effort to try and understand, and hopefully work out a resolution, Killinger decided to write a book about her experiences. Because her husband was a minister, she had the opportunity to meet some other parents struggling to understand what happened in their families. She also ran into a few other families where this tragic phenomenon had also occurred. What she found was she wasn't alone and had nothing to be ashamed about. Self doubt was a common reaction to a son's betrayal. She also realized, like her and her husband, the violent rejection left stunned and grieving parents in its wake, searching plaintively for answers as to why and how this could have happened to them. Her objective is partially cathartic and to reach out to these other families and give them support, and, more importantly, educate families and especially sons about how they can avoid falling into this situation.
She begins with her own story, changing names as she didn't write this book to punish her son. No indeed, you can see her efforts to try and understand what happened in her words and quotes. In the first chapter, she quotes poignantly from Anne Tyler's Breathing Lessons:
"Oh, this whole day was so sad, the kind
of day you realize that everyone
eventually got lost from everyone else."
In A Son is a Son Till He Gets a Wife, Killinger documents the emptiness of missed holidays, birthdays and life events. Once her son married, she herself never got to spend her son's birthday with him, always regulated to a few days before or after the actual date. While her daughter-in-law's family got to have his birthday and every single holiday with him.
Worse, in the chapter aptly titled "Hostages of the Heart," is the introduction of grandchildren to the mix. Many grandparents were used and manipulated into helping and caring for their grandchildren - in the beginning. Then after bonding and coming to love them deeply, they are summarily dismissed when they were no longer needed. Killinger's daughter-in-law, in a particularly vicious move, chose to send pictures and updates of her children to Killinger's sister while pointedly excluding their own grandparents. The depth of cruelty is truly astounding. As she writes, "Being spurned by a son is profoundly painful. It's almost impossible to keep yourself from thinking of him and his family." And there's the rub. How do you deal with someone who is alive, but out of reach by choice?
Admitting she's "not stupid," Killinger acknowledges that there are horrible mother-in-laws as well. But she makes it clear that is not what this book is about. Furthermore, she states that all these bullying and toxic maneuvers instigated by the daughters-in-law could not happen if the son was strong enough to stand up for himself and his family.
In the end, Killinger advocates education as the key to avoid such a life-altering tragedy. She feels that there should be some kind of family dynamics study in high schools that may let children foresee and avoid such conflicted relationships, she also gives warning signs that many times precede a "take-over." Like jealousy being a major factor - insecure wives don't want any "competition" for their man's attention.
When there is no reconciliation, Killinger came to the painful conclusion that she and others must move on as best they can. She found a passage in Rosamunde Pilcher's novel, The Shell Seekers, that became her mantra.
"I do not need my children," she declared. "Knowing their faults, recognizing their shortcomings, I love them all, but I do not need them."
"I love them but do not need them." What a sad state of affairs.