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Niagara Falls - Part 1
Traveling with your wife and mother-in-law
Written by: Dominick A. Miserandino
Photography by: Margherita Miserandino
A young, newlywedded man survives the ultimate challenge of a lifetime during a shopping excursion in Niagara Falls with his power-shopping wife and La Madre, his dear, sweet, Italian mother-in-law.
I must have been drunk. I don't drink often, but I must have been either drunk or feeling a bit too in love, because I actually agreed to go with my wife and my Italian mother-in-law to Niagara Falls for her birthday. It wasn't really my mother-in-law's birthday either, but since her birthday is on September 11th, we needed to find another day to celebrate. In my opinion, being alone with your mother-in-law for a weekend is no real reason to celebrate, but that's another story.
We grabbed the first flight out of JFK on Jet Blue, and 50 minutes later, we were to land in Buffalo. My mother-in-law was rather entertained by the in-seat television sets, which made things much easier, as it limited my need to figure out a conversation.
Upon landing, we began the process of feeding, clothing, and bathing the woman. Okay, we didn't need to clothe or bathe her, but I learned the hard way: the bigger the group, the more often the need for rest stops. Men don't need to do such things so often. You can just kind of tie yourself in a knot, but women aren't as blessed in this area.
Seven stops for "rest" later we arrived on the American side of Niagara Falls. The American side is basically a town connected to a national park, and we decided to go through the park.
After parking at the park--I just wanted to say parking at the park--anyway, after parking, we walked through the park a bit, where my little ol' Italian mother-in-law was commenting on the natural chicory that you can find growing there. My wife got upset when I said, "I don't believe you. Eat it first, and prove it's chicory."
After avoiding the chicory, we headed straight towards the "Cave of the Winds," which is not a cave, but it sounds much better than "The Area where the cave once was, so you're standing by a wall with lots of wind and getting wet at the same time." Margherita found the cave rather entertaining, but her mother was left wondering why we would walk within five feet of the falls and get splattered. She asked in Italian, "What purpose does this serve?"
We left the Cave of the Winds, took off our ponchos and fake rubber shoes, and headed to the other side of Goat Island, which is the island where most of the American side's "stuff" is. Anyway, my wife started lagging behind, and I was left walking alone with my mother in law--La Madre. I call her "La Madre" as the third person article acknowledges her role, but keeps a healthy distance.
Anyway, here we were walking:
"Pretty trees," I said
"Yes, pretty," she said.
"Pretty water," I said again.
"Yes, pretty," she said.
After we exhausted most of the inanimate objects to describe as "pretty," she decided to run. I admit I've put on a few extra pounds, and I think this was her ulterior motive to get me to lose some weight. So now it was me, "La Madre," and my wife (twenty yards behind) running around Goat Island, while commenting on every noun in nature, and how pretty they were.
"Huff, huff, pretty water."
I was out of breath a bit earlier than the spry old fox.
We eventually arrived at my wife's favorite part of Goat Island, the Three Sisters, referring to the name of the three little islands off of Goat Island, and not her three Aunts. We sat there, lied down, took some pictures, and La Madre said her daily prayers. It was a peaceful spot and pretty appropriate for such things.
After running around a bit more, we finished with the "American Side" and tried to find a place to grab lunch. There are few dozen buffet places, and about half of them are Indian food, which is a personal favorite of both my wife, Margherita and I.
La Madre isn't too thrilled with anything that's not Italian.
We entered House of India wearing the Crown Jewel of New Delhi, or something like that, as every Indian Restaurant was literally next to each other, and they seemed indistinguishable to me. La Madre actually held up pretty well and tried everything even though, "It smells funny."
We finished lunch and decided to make a run for the border.
The security at the border is a bit frightening as it's almost non-existent. As long as you smile vigorously you'll get by. To pass the border, I'm not sure if your identification needs to be more than a napkin with your name scribbled on it and the ability to say, "Hi."
Needless to say, we crossed the border and headed right to the hotel, the Holiday Inn by the Falls. Every hotel is called or mentions the falls in their name, which I think is a law here or something. The "Happy Hotel Near The Falls," the "Motel Down The Street From The Falls," and the "Place To Sleep Which Is Darn Close To The Falls."
After settling in, we decided to go see an I-Max film as it was just across the street, behind their parking lot.
Lo and behold, the film was about Niagara Falls.
For most of the film, we would translate for "La Madre" what they were saying and every so often you'd hear her mention, "Mamma Mia," when somebody went over the falls in a barrel. Yes, that part of my story isn't an exaggeration; she does say that pretty frequently. Every time she says it, I find it rather fun to quote the Queen song, "Bohemian Rhapsody," and say, "Mamma Mia, let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me!" She doesn't get the joke and just looks at me funny.
All three of us liked the movie, and then we headed across the street to Souvenir World. Again, I might not be getting that name right but it doesn't really matter--there are dozens of them there.
It's here that I enact my "Dominick's Rule of Shopping in a New Place." Margherita doesn't listen to it all the time, but at least I try to state the rule. I always tell her to look in at least three of the same cheesy stores before buying anything. That way you'll get a gist of the prices as they all sell the same stuff.
La Madre bought a few crates of Maple Syrup, or as she calls it, "Syrupa." Just like the opera singer in Phantom of the Opera, she still feels the need to add an "A" to everything.
Anyway, we went shopping for "Syrupa," and then headed back to the hotel to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant in the hotel. Between the "Buy 1/Get 1" coupon we had from the Entertainment Book, and the fact that we shared two entrees, La Madre was quite proud of the fact that she didn't impact the budget at all by her presence.
After dinner, we got in the car and decided to ride to Clifton Hill, which has most of the "non-fall" attractions. We went into the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum, but once we saw the medieval instruments of torture, La Madre wasn't too happy, so we decided to split.
"That's nice-a," she said and hurriedly walked out. She wouldn't say anything was bad unless it was REALLY bad.
We walked along Ferry Street and basically jumped in and out of shops and avoided the Haunted Houses. Ripley's didn't go over too well, and that sure as hell wouldn't.
After exploring, we headed back to the hotel to sleep.
Read part 2 | Read part 3
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