Paula Deen gave her first live interview following a week of damaging reports on her use of the n-word and the Food Network’s decision not to renew her contract. The celebrity chef gave an interview with Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today Show this morning, claiming that she is not a racist and suggesting that she had only used the n-word once.

During the interview, Lauer asked her if she considered herself a racist. “No,” she said. “I believe that … every one of God’s creatures is created equal. I believe that everyone should be treated equal, that’s the way I was raised and that’s the way I live my life.”

Deen was emotional throughout, even tearing up at times. Lauer asked if she ran the Food Network, would she have fired herself. She said that she wouldn’t.

“Would I have fired me? Knowing me? No,” she told Lauer. “I am so very thankful for the partners I have who believe in me.”

She also pointed out that she is still being supported by some companies and noted that QVC hadn’t dropped her yet. Lauer reminded her that QVC is thinking about dropping her. But again, she stressed that they haven’t made a decision yet.

During her deposition in which she admitted to using the n-word, she said she was “sure” that she used the n-word more than once. But she told Lauer that the only time she ever used it was in 1986 when a black man held a gun to her head. She said that it was the one time “in my 66 years on Earth that I have used it.”

According to USA Today, Lauer did ask if she thought that the n-word was still offending to African Americans.

“I don't know, Matt, I have asked myself that so many times,” she replied. “It's very distressing for me to go into my kitchens and hear what people are calling each other. … It's very distressing for me. I think that for this problem to be worked on that these young people are going to have to take control and start showing respect for each other and not throw that word at each other. It makes my skin crawl.”

Later, she said that the cook we see on television is the same person Deen is in real life. “If there's anyone out there that has never said something that they wished they could take back,” she said at the end. “ If you're out there, please pick up that stone and throw it so hard at my head that it kills me. Please. I want to meet you. I is what I is and I'm not changing.”

Watch the interview below:

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