Welcome to the first installment of Popped Culture, where I burst the bubble of entertainment news. Touching on the good, the bad and the weird of the week, it’s my duty as a pop culture enthusiast (can I put that on my resume?) to ensure you are informed of Hollywood’s happening from music to film to celebrities to maybe sometimes stamp collecting if I’m in the mood.

This week was…strange, to say the least, with celebrities saying things that should never exit a decent human being’s mouth or musicians pressing foreheads with performance artists. Oh, and real American citizens petitioned for “Party in the USA” to be our national anthem. Have we all just slipped into an alternate universe? Where am I? Who am I anymore?

As Liza Minnelli once said, “Anything is possible in this world. I really believe that.” Sort of relevant as Britney Spears danced with tiny blue creatures in her new music video, but I really just wanted to use a Liza Minnelli quote. With that said, it’s time to get out my needle-sharp words, pop some Hollywood bubbles and hopefully find my way back to earth.

Gaga has returned.

Speaking of finding a way back to earth, it looks as if Lady Gaga, or Mother as I call her, has come back from Planet Zebupop ready to spread her otherworldly knowledge. In an image posted on Facebook, Gaga released information on her new album, ARTPOP, along with a peculiar rambling about “auras,” “rages” and “reverse Warholian expeditions.” I was too busy hyperventilating from excitement to actually try and grasp what she was saying, but hey, Lady Gaga has that affect on me. Now, we wait to be abducted by more of Gaga’s brilliant pop music hopefully about her experiences as Queen of the Zebupopulians.

”Somewhere in America, Miley Cyrus Is Still Twerkin’”

“F*** your math, you ain’t gotta count it, my n****, I can add. 1 million, 2 million, 3 million, 20 million. Oh, I’m so good at math,” raps Jay-Z on his new album Magna Carta Holy Grail, piling up the lines and verses about being ultra, mega superiorly rich. While the lyrics stood out, the rest of the album was kind of meh. But at least I know how rich Jay-Z is now?

No, Robin Thicke, Just NO

In an interview with BBC Radio 1, Robin Thicke responded to criticism about his song “Blurred Lines” being “rapey” by saying, “People say, 'Hey, do you think this is degrading to women?' I'm like, 'Of course it is. What a pleasure it is to degrade a woman. I've never gotten to do that before. I've always respected women." Wait, what? Like you said, Robin, I can’t even dignify that with a response.

From Tootsie To Having a “Duh” Moment

While everyone gave a tearful slow cap to Dustin Hoffman, I kind of squinted my eyes, almost rolling them as he revealed that he never talked to ugly women. You’d think by his age he’d know that sexism exists, but leave it to a white dude to make everyone realize that it’s an actual, real problem.

HOLD UP A SECOND. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?

While trying to fight off the paparazzi in an adorable, 7-year-old way, Suri Cruise was called a “little brat” and “bitch” for telling to them quit being annoying, basically. Okay, first of all, don’t call anyone a bitch. Second of all, and most importantly, do not call a child a bitch. Simple as that, Mr. Flashy McFlashington. That’s what I call mean paparazzi now in case you were wondering.

You Just Got Smurfed

Britney Spears is back, along with the life in her eyes, in her new music video for “Ooh La La” which appears on The Smurfs 2 soundtrack. Not only is she back, but it’s like she transported to her early-2000 era where she sang sweetly and made puppy-dog eyes into the camera. It was kind of odd, but not as odd as seeing Smurfs doing a choreographed dance while trying not to get stomped by Britney’s high heels. But Britney’s two sons made a stinkin’ cute appearance, so that kind of wiped away the weirdness of Smurfs gyrating around.

Picasso, Baby?

Like, I sort of getting performance art even though I slept through most of my art history course, but I don’t get pressing your forehead to famed performance artist Marina Abramovic’s forehead, Jay-Z. What is going on? Are they transferring energies via brain waves? Phone numbers? Recipes?

Image: Tumblr