Amazon may have stolen my thunder with a listing of the all-time greats in stupid Amazon reviews. There was a uranium column all planned out before the article came out last Friday; instead, creativity demanded the Pencil edition.
I won’t deny bad pencils are frustrating, especially for anyone taking standardized tests or using them regularly for a job. Crumbly or smeary erasers can put users in a blind rage, and the moment when a pencil shatters in the sharpener is actually frightening. But these reviewers might be going slightly overboard in their pencil reviews.
Meet the Amazon.com Dixon Ticonderoga Wood-Cased #2 Pencils, Box of 12, Yellow (13882). With a name like that, pretentiousness is guaranteed.
Photo Courtesy of Amazon
It advertises itself as “The World's Best Pencil with an exclusive #2 HB graphite core formula provides extra smooth performance” (are you thinking what I’m thinking?), in addition to a “ Classic yellow barrel…crafted from reforested quality cedar wood.” There’s plenty to make fun of in those bullet points alone, never mind the actual description of its “rich heritage.” The sad part is, it’s not clear whether any of the reviews were intentionally or unintentionally funny.
There were a few that called it “magical,” or “a steal.” One, from Sondra G. Oravetz, let the reader know that they are “Plain, simple, ordinary but inherently useful pencils to have on hand when you need them.” (No, really?) User Wolf M “Wolf M” nitpicked about the difference between a #2 pencil and a #2 HB pencil.
But here’s one of the best, from Marina Tugusheva, with my notes in brackets.
A pencil, better than the yellow #2 pencils, but inferior to other great pencils.
Well here I am, a pencil lover, who like you, is on the hunt for a perfect pencil [We are? People care that much?]. Mechanical pencils don't seal the deal, as they are not as smooth, and an oblivion to operate. [Er…what?] The truth is, I am a wood pencil lover, and I wanted to find the perfect WOOD PENCIL. I DID, BUT, it isn't this one. Poorly crafted it is, because of small flaws. [Yoda, is that you?] The pencils are made in china and Mexico with low quality cedar…There is also a chemical on the two layer coating that was actually registered as a pesticide recently by the EPA…I recommend the MIRADO BLACK WARRIOR a secret rival of the Ticonderoga. [Read: Ninja Pencil.] The mirado has a two coat black matte finish, one piece cedar, and gold stamping that is rolled on to the cylindrical shape. [Pretty Ninja Pencil.]…The mirado is faster, has a better name, better quality, and is stronger, and lasts longer, but is a dime more expensive per pencil…So I suggest everyone joins the pencil revolution, and sides with the Mirado Black Warrior, who really kicks butt.
All I have to say is that the Mirado must be a ninja pencil—otherwise, how could it be “faster” than any other inanimate object? And if there’s a revolution going on, I’m pretty sure everyone wants to be on the side of the ninjas.
P.S., Please note that the China produces such low-quality products, it doesn’t even deserve capitalization. But as a pencil-chewer, I am actually concerned about the pesticide paint—much more than a better name or “gold stamping!”