So, some royalty across a ginormous ocean just had a kid this week. The whole entire world is going crazy over him, which I completely do not understand.

As a figurehead who can’t create any legislation, why do the Brits even really care about the royal family? For that matter, why would Americans care at all? Didn’t we fight an entire war so that we wouldn’t have to deal with dumb stuff like this? I, for one, am sick of it.

Newscasters were trying to decipher if he resembled William or Kate; like some creepy, alien-looking new-born even has distinguishable features that aren’t bright red and squishy.

So, for this week, I’m writing about songs that REALLY matter. Songs that ask the tough questions these baby-fiending newscasters aren’t. Get ready for some heavy stuff.

5. “What’s He Building”- Tom Waits (1999)
A terrifying poem about the neighbor that keeps to himself much too often. What is he building? Why is he so strange? “We have a right to know,” seethes Waits. AND WE DO.

This poem fits Waits’ style perfectly. His voice is a mix of hot black asphalt and shredded tires; at once soothing and painful.

As the X-Files said, “The truth is out there.” And I bet it is. It’s called transparency, people! What’s he doing with all that formaldehyde? Why’d he take down the tire-swing? WHAT IS HE BUILDING?

Why isn’t there some “Action News: On Your Side/ Neighborhood Watch” all over that house? Why doesn’t anyone know what he’s building!

4.“Who Let the Dogs Out?”- Baha Men (2000)
Seriously, though, dogs without leashes are infuriating. Where are their owners? What if they’re rabid? This scenario can only end badly.

Not really a song about pets gone wild, “dog” is actually a slang term for an unattractive woman.

The real question about this song, though, is how in the world did it get so popular? Sporting events, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and all over the radio; this song was HUGE.

Why doesn’t anyone focus on how our pop-culture could welcome the Baha Men with open arms. Why, instead, is a new-born so important right now?

3. “Who Put The Bomp (In The Bomp, Bomp, Bomp)”- Barry Mann (1961)
As a doo-wop song about doo-wop songs, this record is so meta. Known as self-referential music, it employs a tongue-in-cheek look at the culture of a musical genre.

Barry Mann asks “who was the man” who made his girl fall for him after listening to doo-wop songs. That’s the big question. Who put that bomp in there, and that dip-da-dip-da-dip?

Whomever it was, Barry Mann sure is indebted to him. And considering the wide-spread influence of early rock and roll with it’s effects on teen culture as a whole, I’d say we should all be more thankful to this mysterious onomatopoeia-lover.

2. “How Soon is Now”- The Smiths (1985)
“WHAT IS LIFE?” is all I can think when I hear this song. Morrissey is simply a human who needs to be loved. Why is that so difficult to achieve or understand?

How soon is now? When do our lives truly begin? What are we even doing here?

“How Soon is Now” is The Smiths’ most popular song, and the coolest theme song “Charmed” could have chosen.

While my head reels from Morrissey’s thought-provoking crooning, you should watch this live version of the song.

1. “We Didn’t Start the Fire”- Billy Joel (1989)
No one wants to be blamed for starting a fire. It’s embarrassing at the very least, at the worst it’s catastrophically dangerous.

Billy Joel just obfuscates all over the place, saying that the fire was just there. FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME. I don’t believe that even a bit, Billy Joel.

You’re just talking really fast so no one can understand what you’re saying and just give up on trying to figure out who the arsonist was. I’m not settling for Joel’s excuses anymore.

Getting to the bottom of this question is a much more important subject than some silver-spooned brat who’s going to sit on a throne.