Marriage rates are declining. The divorce rate is high (above 50%), and the rate of dating is so low it’s almost nonexistent.
Okay, there aren’t any studies or surveys on that last one, although I’ve looked. But as everyone from college students to HBO’s Girls knows, dating isn’t the norm anymore. Hooking up is.
“Hooking up” is as much of a hazy term as it is a mixed bag. Sometimes it means kissing, sometimes it means having sex without attachments. It can be exclusive—or, more frequently, not—and it can be a one-time event or a long-term relationship of sorts. Some think hooking up is just a new phase, either of this era or for youth in general. It doesn’t seem to be part of older generations’ lives—it’s not typical for people in their thirties, and practically nonexistent for those in their forties and up. And it definitely doesn’t seem to be part of the celebrity scene: the paparazzi would be having a field day if celebrities hooked up all the time.
I would certainly love to move away from current slut-shaming like what E! Online reported coming from the tabloids and Vanity Fair over Taylor Swift's “countless” boyfriends. There’s an unfair double standard that needs to go; men who date lots of ladies are “studs,” while women who date lots of men are “sluts.” Jake Gyllenhaal, one of Swift’s own exes, dated nine women in ten years, including three different ladies in 2011 alone, but no articles have been published shaming him or any other male celebrity. It should be equally acceptable for men and women to date whoever, whenever, and I sincerely hope Swift keeps ignoring the media and doing as she likes.
But I don’t think hooking up is the solution.
Why not? Both genders love the control and freedom it gives them over their choices. It allows more time for other activities than a full-fledged relationship. Some argue it’s a huge step forward for women’s empowerment (although I think it’s clear that easy availability makes women less valued, not more). More people like it than dislike it; if you can have the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities, there’s not much drawback.
There are two problems I see. First, hooking up is more dangerous than dating, at least in terms of health and safety, and possibly emotionally. HIV/AIDS isn’t as prevalent as 30 or 40 years ago, but it and other STDs are still a huge risk—and more partners a person has, the more that risk grows. The same goes for the risk of encountering a violent or unstable partner, or having a birth control failure. One mistake could mean anything from bruises and sores to infertility or a long, slow, death.
Second, as we spend more and more time in front of screens instead of building relationships, dating grows more important. The New York Times argues that hooking up is taking the place of dating, and although Slate contests that and Jezebel thinks it’s ridiculous, I agree. From high school to college, I’ve only known a handful of dating couples, and an equally small minority of people uninterested in hooking up. The rest—the majority—participate in the hook-up culture. Likewise, college students I know across the country have had the same experience. Students I like, students I can barely stand, students at small private colleges, big public universities, and community colleges all say the same thing: most people don’t date.
Dating, not hooking up, is still what leads to the most emotionally satisfying relationships. Dating, not hooking up, is still the most common way to meet a future spouse. Colleges are filled with like-minded students not learning how to date because they can hook up instead. What does that mean for the future of marriage?
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