The Halloween episode of “Trophy Wife” has Jackie and Kate losing Bert, while Pete holds a teenager and his candy hostage.
When Kate drops Bert off at Jackie’s, she tells him they should scare his mom. Bert thinks that is mean, but Kate tells him that scaring is the point of Halloween. Kate opens the door to find Jackie on the counter with a knife in her back. Kate immediately tells Bert not to look as she runs to Jackie, who jumps up to scare Kate. Kate turns around to Bert scaring her with fake teeth. Jackie admits to sitting there for four and a half hours waiting for them to arrive. Bert runs in to look at his costume that Jackie made for him. Jackie and Kate are excited about Halloween. Kate loves Halloween because of the “free candy, running away from the cops,” and “having one-night stands where you never take your masks off.” Jackie admits that when you’re a mom Halloween becomes more about your kids. Bert enters with his costume as he yells, “What the hell is this?” He’s carrying an ironing board and his outfit. Jackie replies, “You’re the iron man.” Bert corrects her, “The iron man doesn’t iron.” She tells Kate she thought Bert made him up. Bert says, “Why would I make this up? I would look like an idiot.” Jackie doesn’t even know who Robert Downey, Jr. is. Bert goes to his room and refuses to open the door to Jackie, only replying to her request to open the door, “I can’t. Too many wrinkles I have to iron.” Jackie tells Kate she’s worried because she doesn’t want Bert using an iron. Kate informs her that Bert is being sarcastic. Kate then offers to go buy a costume for him at the store. Jackie is appalled at the suggestion. She doesn’t even buy her toothpaste at the store because she believes there are some things that should be made at home. Understanding there is no time to make a costume, Kate goes to the store.
At Pete and Kate’s, Diane is dressed as a gargoyle and Pete as a hung jury. Warren has an ice pack on his face because he had to have dental surgery. He’s upset he had to have dental surgery on Halloween. Pete tells him to enjoy the painkillers. Diane replies, “We don’t enjoy pain killers, we take them.” She tells him to take one every four hours. A dazed Warren replies, “I thought it was four every one hours.” Hillary walks out not wearing a costume because she thinks Halloween is lame. She sarcastically guesses Warren is dressed up as Justin Bieber. Warren gets up and dances for her. She still doesn’t guess correctly. Warren is Ellen DeGeneres.
None of the kids understand Pete’s costume. Kate calls Pete to tell him she’s at the store to get a costume for Bert. He tells her that’s a rookie move to go to the store on Halloween. She assures him she has a plan to get through the line fast. She eyes up a guy to flirt with, but he’s gay. She then offers to buy a girl alcohol. The girl and her friend are straight edge. Kate then pretends two male teens, who are slightly on the nerdy side, are her sons. She hugs one and offers money for them to play along. The kid says he just wants another hug. They awkwardly hug before entering the store.
The doorbell rings and Warren goes to answer it. Unfortunately, thanks to the pain killers, Warren opens the door to the closet instead. Diane opens the door to a teen boy who says, “Trick or treat, smell my feet.” As she is about to give candy to him and send him on his way, Pete stops her and makes the kid repeat what he said. He remembers the boy’s voice from last year. The teen boy egged Pete’s house before mooning him. Pete claims he remembers his voice and that he had a very distinctive birthmark that looked like a coiled snake. Diane tells Pete to let it go, but Pete makes the kid stay and holds his bag of candy hostage. Pete says it’s about justice, demanding a confession and apology before he will let the boy and his candy go.
Kate returns to Jackie’s with an Iron Man costume. Jackie is elaborately dressed up as Queen Elizabeth, but Kate guesses Lady Gaga. Jackie tells Kate she saved Halloween. Jackie admits that she loves Halloween and trick-or-treating with Bert, confessing that it’s thirty percent of the reason why she adopted him. Still angry, Bert refuses to open the door. Kate says, “I need Tony Stark to come out here and suit up.” Bert opens the door and praises Kate for saving Halloween. Jackie tries to take some credit, but Bert knows better. Bert says he wants to go trick-or-treating with Kate. Jackie tries to pretend she’s okay with it as she tries to casually sit down on the couch. Because of her costume, Jackie is unable to sit so she awkwardly lies down.
Jackie tells Kate it’s okay for her to take Bert, even though she’s obviously upset about it. Bert asks Kate what her costume is. Kate says, “I’m awesome stepmom man.” Bert things Kate is funny and cool. He tells her to use one of Jackie’s costumes. Kate ends up as a centaur. As they walk around, Bert asks what a centaur is. Kate explains it is half horse and half human. Bert asks how that happens. Kate awkwardly replies, “Sometimes, when a man loves a horse…,” but is cut off when Bert becomes excited about passing Halloween treats. She tells him the best way to go about trick-or-treating to maximize results. Kate runs in to a creepy masked person.
Pete, still unwilling to let the teen boy go, continues to demand an apology. Hillary says she thinks Pete has gone crazy. The boy tells Diane she’s too smart for Pete. Diane replies, “I like you.”
The masked person eerily follows Kate and Bert. Kate throws candy at the masked person only to realize it’s Jackie.
Back at the house, Warren can’t eat candy. The boy convinces Warren that it is Pete’s fault that Warren had to have surgery on Halloween. The boy then wonders aloud if there is a way for Warren to show his anger with Pete and prove the boy’s innocence. While interrogating the boy, an egg hits the window. Pete goes out to catch the culprit.
Jackie is clearly upset that Kate took over her Halloween duties. Their arguing leads to them losing Bert. Jackie says, “I knew I should have had him micro chipped.” Jackie resorts to child search games like Marco Polo to try to find Bert. Kate and Jackie decide to split up to find him. Kate finds Iron Man and brings him back. Jackie also finds Iron Man and brings him back. Unfortunately, neither Iron Man is Bert. Kate can’t believe they just kidnapped two kids. Jackie tells the boys, “Go. Forget our faces,” before her and Kate run away.
Pete catches the egging culprit. It’s Warren. Warren blames listening to the boy on the painkillers. The boy then flirts with Hillary as Diane and Pete make Warren clean the egged window. The boy asks Hillary how she can stand to be there since she seems like the only normal one. Hillary says she closes her eyes and pretends she is at Princeton. She acknowledges that he is trying to manipulate her. She informs him that she can’t change her father’s mind, but she can help piss him off. While outside with Warren, Pete sees Hillary hand the boy a blow pop, which enrages him.
Still looking for Bert, Jackie tries to ride the horse part of Kate’s costume. They see kids eating cotton candy. Kate remembers telling Bert her trick-or-treating plan and runs toward the house with the cotton candy.
Still playing innocent, the boy apologizes for manipulating Hillary and Warren, but refuses to admit to egging Pete’s house and mooning him last year. Pete demands to see the boy’s bare butt to prove he has the birthmark. Pete realizes how crazy that sound, but refuses to back down. Diane takes the bag of candy and lets the boy go. As the boy leaves, he moons Hillary, Warren, Diane, and Pete. Diane notices the birthmark, confirming he was indeed the egging/mooning culprit from last Halloween. He then throws an egg that hits Pete’s head.
Jackie and Kate find Bert at the house with cotton candy. Bert tells them he didn’t run away because they were fighting, he just followed Kate’s trick-or-treating plan. Jackie and Kate apologize to one another. Kate admits that it just felt nice to be the hero because she barely ever gets anything right. Jackie acknowledges Kate’s poor track record. The older woman that Bert was sitting with thinks Jackie and Kate are a couple as she congratulates them on the Supreme Court decision. As they walk away, a clueless Jackie questions what Supreme Court decision the lady was speaking of. Kate replies, “Are you serious?”
To end the night, Warren does his best Ellen DeGeneres talk show impression for the entire family. Kate’s worried they’re going to have to sit through an entire faked episode, but Pete assures her they won’t. Warren invites Tony Stark/Bert out. As he goes to do Ellen’s signature sit, Warren misses the chair and passes out thanks to the painkillers. Jackie, thinking it’s a part of the show, continues clapping. Pete tells everyone to grab a limb so they can carry him to bed.
image: ABC
