“Lice and Beary White” had Kate dealing a controlling Diane during a lice outbreak while Bert and Warren fought over custody of the Beary White.
While trying to learn how to play guitar from an online video, Kate receives a call from the school. She arrives to discover Bert has lice. The young nurse is less than helpful as Kate suggests maybe he has a lice pamphlet she could use to help her. He finally locates one and hands it to her. She scratches her head and he automatically assumes she has lice. He informs her that she and Bert cannot come back to school until they are officially deloused. Kate calls Pete to inform him of the lice situation. He tells her to “round up the others.” Embarrassed to ask for the lice shampoo at the pharmacy Kate loudly aks for condoms, cigars, and stool softener before whispering, “I couldn’t find your lice shampoo.” The clerk yells out to another clerk named Gary to ask where the lice shampoo is. The line behind Kate backs up in disgust as the clerks yell back and forth about lice shampoo. Kate hilariously says, “I’m just constipated, Gary.” Kate, Pete, Hillary, Warren, and Bert arrive home to find Diane ready to take charge. She says, “Listen to me and we’ll get through this. Now strip.” Warren immediately drops his pants.
As Diane scrubs Bert’s head, she gives important jobs to everyone but Kate. She tells Kate to make her a cappuccino. She offers to wash Hillary’s hair, but Diane tells her no. Feeling bulldozed, Kate tells Diane, “Before you even got here, I was kind of running this bitch.” Thinking she has been called a bitch, Diane takes offense. Kate tries to explain that she was calling the situation a bitch, not Diane. Kate says she can run it because she has the checklist. Diane asks if Kate got the checklist from the school nurse and Kate replies that she did. Diane tells her she wrote the list for the nurse. Jackie comes to the kitchen window to check on everyone. Bert says, “You look fancy. Come in.” Jackie says she doesn’t want to come in because she just paid a lot of money for a Brazilian blow out. Diane commands her to come in to wash her hair. Jackie declines and walks away. Diane sends Kate to get Jackie.
While changing Warren’s bedding, Pete finds a bear named Beary White stuffed up by the headboard.
Kate tells Jackie that Diane is driving her nuts. She hates how she comes in and takes over uninvited. Realizing that Jackie often comes over uninvited, Kate tries to backtrack and tell her she’s okay when she does it, even thought she doesn’t really mean it. Jackie stops her and says, “Don’t worry, Kate. I know that I’m always welcome here, whether you’re home or not. Your house is my house. Your husband was my husband.”
Pete confronts Warren about Beary White. Warren claims he belongs to Bert and Pete tells him Bert lost him last year. They searched for three days for the bear and Warren even offered to be the search team captain. Warren, still acting like he didn’t have Beary White, claims he was concerned when Bert lost Beary White. Pete calls him out on it and Warren admits to stealing him. He tells him the night he gave Beary White to Bert he cried himself to sleep. He says, “I cried myself to sleep that night. I had to cuddle with a Transformer. When I woke up, it was a car.”
Kate and Jackie are still outside complaining about Diane. Jackie still refuses to go in to wash her hair. Diane then hoses Jackie down, forcing her to come in. As Diane walks away she says, “Kate, you had one job to do and I had to do it for you,” which further annoys Kate.
While delousing one another, Kate and Jackie continue to complain about Diane. Jackie tells her that Diane once called Kate a hologram, “That you’re just color and light.” This angers and annoys Kate.
Pete makes Warren show Bert that he has Beary White. Upon seeing him, Bert yells, “He’s alive! I prayed and it came true!” Warren admits to taking Beary White and the two boys fight over the bear. Pete breaks up the fight and says that he will listen to each of their cases and decide who will get Beary White. Bert immediately hugs Pete and says, “I love you Daddy and I know you’ll make the right decision.”
Jackie and Kate agree that Diane is a bully. Kate says they need to teach Diane that she is not perfect. Kate switches out the delousing shampoo for regular shampoo before giving it to Diane. Diane then tells Kate and Jackie to go watch the dryer and wait for it to beep.
In making his case for custody of Beary White, Warren says he had him first, named him, and doesn’t think Bert cares for Beary White very much. Bert’s case is that Warren stole Beary White, stealing is wrong, thus Warren s wrong.
After watching the dryer until it buzzed, Kate and Jackie joke about the faux delousing shampoo that Diane used. They then discover that Diane also used it on Hillary before she left for play rehearsal at school. Jackie tells Kate to come clean and throws Kate under the bus. Kate admits to switching out the shampoo and Jackie acts appalled as if she had no idea Kate had done it.
Diane and Kate argue about who is going to go get Hillary before she spreads the lice. Jackie’s car is blocking both of them. In order to avoid confrontation for helping Kate switch the shampoo, Jackie backs out and erratically speeds away. Because she wants to do more for the family, Kate stops Diane from driving to the school by throwing Diane’s keys. Diane hops into the backseat of Kate’s car and the two head to the school.
Pete asks Warren and Bert if they about the Judgment of Solomon. Warren asks if it is a video game. Pete explains it is a biblical story about two women claiming to be the mother of a child. It was decided that the baby would be split in half. The woman who gave up the child rather than seeing it cut in two was deemed the child’s true mother. When Pete threatens to cut Beary White in two, Bert and Warren are okay with it. Surprised by their willingness to cut Beary White in half, Pete asks, “What is wrong with you?” As Pete walks away, the boys fight over the bear again.
On their way to the school, Diane says to Kate, “You are the Typhoid Mary of this lice outbreak.” Kate tells her she can do things, but Diane never lets her. Diane always has to control everything. Diane then informs Kate that she’s missed the turn to the school and begins giving her directions.
Warren and Bert inform Pete that they have worked out the Beary White custody situation. Warren tells him, “We thought of how you guys split custody of us.” Bert adds, “Like how I have clean underwear here and at mom’s house.” They’ve decided to split custody of Beary White. They’ll celebrate his birthday together because they feel that’s the right thing to do. Warren happily places Beary White on his bed. The camera zooms in to show that the bear is full of lice.
Diane and Kate arrive at the school. Diane slightly apologizes for not letting Kate have a lot of responsibilities. They walk into play rehearsal where they see Hillary and the other students wearing wigs for the musical Hair. The director then tells the students to switch wigs. Diane says, “Okay, Kate. This one’s yours. What should we do?” Kate responds, “If we retreat now, maybe another kid will be blamed.” Diane replies, “My thoughts exactly,” as they quickly run out of the school.
At Jackie’s, Jackie is having Bert iron her hair on an ironing board rather than spending a lot of money for another Brazilian blowout. She asks Bert for a pillow. When he goes to get one, he leaves the iron lying on her hair. She tells him to go quickly. While waiting for his return, she says, “Oh, okay. No, that does not smell right.” She finally grabs the iron and gets up to discover a large portion of her hair has been burned off, “You get what you pay for.”
Trophy Wife returns December 3 for holiday themed craziness.
image: ABC
