Knock, knock, knock Celebrity Café readers. Knock, knock, knock Celebrity Café readers. Knock, knock, knock Celebrity Café readers. After four weeks and a long Saturday Night Live hiatus, the show (and this recap) is back. And I have high hopes. I’m a big Big Bang Theory fan and Jim Parsons is one talented comedian. We’re so used to seeing him as the socially inept genius Sheldon, it’ll be fun to watch the gifted actor tackle some new comedic characters. It’ll also be interesting to watch how Weekend Update updates itself without Seth Meyers. I’ve heard great things about Colin Jost, the current head writer who will take the Update seat next to Cecily Strong, but I’m sure they’ll have a somewhat rocky start as Jost begins to develop his style and repartee with Strong.

Like always, I’ll be writing the recaps “live,” meaning I’ll watch a sketch and immediately write a short blurb reviewing and recapping it. For each segment, I’ll rate it on a scale of 0-5 stars. At the end of the piece, I’ll share some quick overall thoughts and the best/worst sketch of the night.
Ellen DeGeneres Show: * * * ½
I have a confession to make: I love Ellen. Her stand-up specials are so classic and quotable and I must admit to watching her daytime talk show more than a 23-year-old man should admit to. Because of this, I quite liked McKinnon’s first Ellen sketch. The second was basically the same thing. Same jokes about Ellen’s dancing, same cameo from Sophia Grace and Rosie, same “I’m Ellen” shtick. The only thing different is the guest, Olympic skater and commentator Johnny Weir (played by Parsons in a wonderfully ridiculous, un-Sheldon-like outfit). So, on paper, this sketch should be a complete clunker. But I just adore McKinnon’s impression and the whole thing, however stupid it might be, made me smile. Hence the higher rating than it probably deserves.

Opening Monologue: * * *
Despite seeming a bit nervous right off the bat, Parsons starts the show with a solid, if not unremarkable, monologue song about how he isn’t Sheldon. He isn’t geeky, he says, and the arrangement he has with his male roommate is very different. Parsons than segues into a jaunty song about other classic TV characters and the actors who play them. It’s a fine, safe monologue that doesn’t say much about how the night will progress.

Peter Pan: *
As Miranda Sings would say, “what the even heck.” I dug a Peter Pan sketch since NBC already announced it as their newest musical project. I dug the idea of Bryant as Tinkerbelle’s half-sister Tonkerbelle. But despite a nifty production, the whole sketch was surprisingly unfunny and tone-deaf. How can two funny people star in something so bland and humorless?

The Bird Bible: ½
What is going on tonight? Did someone sneak into my house and slip something in my drink? This is a whole sketch built around a bible that uses doctored photos of North American birds instead of humans. Umm. OK. Is this as mind-numbingly dumb and annoying as Rahat or the museum one from the last show? No. But I’ve seen local car dealership commercials with more humor and wit. Yikes.

The Killer Files: * * *
Parsons is a serial killer who appeared on multiple dance shows of the ’80 and ‘90s. Despite the frivolity around him, Parson’s serial killer stands out for his creepy, dead-eyed persona. While The Killer Files sketch started out slow, Parson’s performances won me over. By the time he was hosting his own MTV show, I was actually laughing for the first time tonight. Wow, what a sad, backhanded compliment.

Twelve Years A Slave Casting: * * * ½
First off, it’s really weird given that SNL star Taran Killam was actually in Twelve Years A Slave. Once I got over that, I really enjoyed the sketch based on actors squeamishly auditioning for bit parts in Twelve given the movie’s strong, n-word-filled, pre-civil-war language. The moments with Pharaoh and Moynihan were quite funny and I found the set-up to be well executed, it not somewhat awkward. But perhaps awkward is the point.

Weekend Update: * *
Notes from Weekend Update: Jost looked incredibly nervous and stiff, which makes you realize how good Meyers was at his job. Strong had some solid material. The Barkley and Shaq bit went on way too long. I’m not sure how Pharaoh sustains those eye movements throughout the whole thing. Strong has gotten quite good at WU-style joke telling. The premiere of Jebediah Atkinson was a highlight of the season so far, but he’s wearing thin scarily quick.

Murder Mystery Party: *
When I was younger, a good friend of mine used to have murder mystery birthday parties. Thankfully, her parties didn’t include a harmless, oversexed nutball nor did anyone ever utter the phrase “don’t tickle a dead woman’s ass.” That is really all I want to write about this one.

Spotlightz Salute The Oscars: *
I was quite surprised to see SNL reprise the Spotlightz sketch. This one was basically the same as the other, with Bayer’s overacting kiddie thespian leading a pack of campers who badly reenact scenes from Oscar nominated movies. Once you get the shtick, the joke gets old fast. Sure, Parson’s addition as a equally untalented kid who mouths the words of his scene-partner, was funny, but I have no idea why they needed to bring back Spotlightz or why SNL couldn’t come up with some better way to skewer Oscar movies.

Elevator Ride: 0 stars
Really? REALLY SNL!!! It’s come to this?!?!

Cowboy Surprise Party: ½
A bunch of cowboys sit around brainstorming how to plan a surprise party for fellow rancher. Parsons’ idea is to hide in a hole in the ground and be catapulted out via spring. Wow, what a dead-end, oddly paced and wildly unfunny sketch to end a terribly SNL episode. The only that could have made this one work is if Wiig’s surprise party loving Sue joined in on the festivities.

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Best Sketch: For the first time since starting writing about SNL I’m not going to choose a best sketch. There wasn’t a single one I’ll remember in the morning or would recommend anyone to watch.

Worst Sketch: Boy there was a lot of stinkers, but that elevator was the worst of all.

Musical Guest: Beck
I don’t know a lot about Beck, so I can’t comment much on his performances. Well, I can say that Beck apparently frequents the same haberdashery as Pharrell. I can say that Beck likes reverb…a lot. If you’re a Beck fan, comment below and tell me if it was good or not. I’m not educated enough to comment. Plus, I’m in such a bad mood from this terrible episode, my critique would probably be unnecessarily harsh.

Overall Thoughts:
At the beginning of this episode, I wouldn’t have believed the likable and talented Mr. Parsons would be the host for the worst episode of the season. Perhaps the worst episode in a few seasons. And that includes episodes with Bieber and Miley. It’s not Parsons’ fault, at least he tried, but what can you do with material this dire?

Next Week: Girls scribe and star Lena Dunham takes on SNL. I hope to God she brings some better material with her.