The episode opens with the four guys, Nick, Coach, Schmidt and Winston, talking about boobs – how boobs have differed over the decades, big boobs, small boobs, or if you’re Winston, Cookie Monster boobs. Jess, sitting at the other end of the bar, yells at the guys, telling them that boobs are the least important part of a woman, unless you’re a baby, and in that case, you need them for food. If you’re not a breast-feeding baby, then boobs should mean nothing to you. Wrong. According to the guys, boobs mean everything.
Jess continues to bicker with Nick, mainly, giving me hope that they’re arguing like an old, married couple indicates that they will, in fact, end up being an old, married couple someday. We learn that Jess has a “wonky knee,” according to Nick, and Jess fires back by telling Nick, in front of everyone, that he’s the laziest person on earth in the bedroom – however, it comes as no surprise to the crew. Men think they’re perfect and women are all wonky, like Jess’s knee.
Tired of arguing with Nick and the rest of guys over the unreal expectations women have to live up to, Jess storms off and sits in a random booth. Unknowingly, Jess sits down at the table of a very aesthetically pleasing man. Awkward as usual, reminding us of the horrors and humor of junior high flirting, Jess tells this new acquaintance, Matt, about how frustrated she is with men and their breast obsession. Matt tells Jess, despite her just saying about how shallow guys can be when it comes to basing everything about women off of their looks, that she’s hot. Jess melts.
Jess prompts Matt to ask her on a date. He hits her with a bombshell: he has a micro penis. Aha! Thus the name of the episode, “Micro.” Jess seems a tad bit thrown off, but reminds herself that looks, and penis size, do not matter. She says, “My eyes are bigger than my stomach.” What? She confirms the date despite his micro penis.
The guys are enthralled with researching everything you would ever want to know (or not want to know) about the medical condition that is a micro penis. They marvel at the fact that such a thing can even exist. Jess, again, insists that it does not bother her, and that the guys need to start basing their attractions off of “a gentle spirit” and “a fertile mind.” Nick still thinks that the micro penis does bother Jess and makes a bet with her. Of course, she can’t resist and takes the bet that she will be able to date Matt for at least a month, despite his manhood. If Jess wins, Nick donates $500 to the National Organization for Women’s ‘Love Your Body’ Campaign. If Nick wins, though? Jess has to buy him a subscription to the porn site of his choosing – Ass Chat.
The date is going horribly for Jess. Matt is a complete airhead. Looking like Nick is going to win the bet, he starts to push Jess’s buttons to further his chances of winning. Schmidt and Coach aren’t too far away, continually staring at Matt, wondering how a guy made it through life with such a horrific disease. They feel so bad that they buy Matt a drink, as if that would fix his issue. Schmidt and Coach start to appreciate themselves and how beautiful they, and they’re manhood, are.
As Jess continues to talk about how awful, and idiotic, Matt is, Nick starts to compare her to one of the guys, and insisting that she only feels this way, because she is starting to realize how awful his micro penis must be. Feeling trapped, but still wanting to win the bet, Jess tells Matt that she will be out of town for a month, but they should get together when she’s back, that way she can still win the bet. However, Nick foils her plan. Jess confesses to Matt that there is nothing wrong with his looks but everything wrong with his personality. Ouch.
Feeling so highly about themselves, Schmidt and Coach decide to stage a fashion shoot, because they think they’re model material. Winston and Cece encourage them and help set up the shoot in the apartment. It’s completely ridiculous, very Zoolander-esque, the second coming of Blue Steel. We learn that Cece and Winston are so into helping them with their shoot because they’re actually plotting against them.
As Coach and Schmidt argue over whose portfolio is better, Jess admits that she may be just as shallow as the guys. However, she quickly changes her mind. She says that even though Schmidt has “kitten teats,” and Coach has “a Geisha waist,” that they’re still great people. Everybody has something about them, “everyone is covered in micro penises.”
It’s time to apologize to Matt, so Jess heads over to his apartment. When she arrives, Matt tells her that she was just scared because she was superficial. Trying to prove Matt wrong, that she doesn’t care about imperfections, she drops her pants and presents her wonky knee. While she’s trying to make a point, Matt’s girlfriend walks in. Yes, Matt apparently has a girlfriend. Seeing Jess with her pants around her ankles, the girlfriend attacks Matt’s “art” and then exits stage left. Trying to distract Jess from his girlfriend, well, now ex-girlfriend, Matt reveals his little friend to Jess. She didn’t want any part of his pigeon egg.
Respectively, Coach drops out of the modeling competition, handing the victory over to Schmidt. Being the good friend that he is, Coach could tell Schmidt needed this little victory in his life. After Schmidt’s confidence is boosted, and he skips off into the sunshine, Coach notices Winston and Cece looking on from across the room, and he can tell they’re up to something. He finds out that the modeling session was just a joke, but he doesn’t want to break Schmidt’s confidence and forces Cece and Winston to fix things.
Out of their own pockets, Cece and Winston buy Schmidt a billboard, in Korean, to make up for their plotting against him and Coach. Schmidt feels on top of the world. Nick can’t enjoy the porn that Jess bought him after losing the bet. In addition to the billboard, Coach tells Schmidt that he will be receiving a $500 check for his efforts, straight from the bank of Cece and Winston, little does he know. Jess is curious about internet porn and whether she’d like it, she wants to see something theatrical and Victorian, but Nick doesn’t think she’d like it, at all. They walk off bickering, like the sweet, old couple we hope they end up to be.