New Girl-withdrawal has been happening for the past few weeks. Thank goodness though, it came back this week with an episode full of laughs.
The group is up to their usual dysfunction as Winston’s fellow cop hints to him that as a final part of his training, an officer would be stopping by to do his in-home background check. The guys of the group aren’t too worried and make some light jokes, but Jess seems to be acting odd about the whole situation.
She keeps her cool until Winston exits the room then starts to freak out a bit, and when Schmidt, Coach, and Nick see that she seems distraught, they ask her what’s wrong. Bombshell: she’s hiding a bag of meth in her closet.
Rightfully so, the three amigos freak out along with Jess. How’d she even get a bag of meth? Well, remember that one time when she asked the guys to go get waffles with her in the Antelope Valley, and they said no, so she went alone and came across a garage sale, and at this garage sale, she bought an old ottoman? Turns out, the ottoman’s top comes off, and what was hiding inside? A giant bag of meth. Since the day Jess brought the ottoman home, she’s had the ottoman and meth hiding in her closet, for safe-keepings.
If Officer Tess comes across this meth during her visit, this could mean not only trouble for Jess, but the end of Winston’s cop career as he knows it. What to do in a panic? Call Cece, she’ll definitely know what to do.
While Jess, Schmidt, and Coach are trying to figure out how to hide the meth, Nick is having his own crisis, because he can’t lie without sweating. In the midst of the craziness, Jess drops the bag of meth all over the kitchen floor.
The crew scramble as though they’re playing 52-card pickup in hopes of getting the mess cleaned up before Winston and Officer Tess make it back to the apartment from the lobby. Jess stuffs the meth in her shirt, against her better judgment.
Officer Tess enters the apartment with Winston, and the whole gang sits down in the living room. Officer Tess doesn’t play any games and gets straight down to business. Almost immediately, Nick starts to get a little sweaty and stumbles over his words, and Schmidt swoops in in hopes of making Nick look less like a whack-o.
Cece arrives at the apartment, after listening to Jess’s message, and almost blows the group’s cover. Again, playing Superman for the day, Schmidt steps in and deeply kisses Cece to shut her up. Winston is pleasantly surprised that the couple is back together, saying they go together as well as peanut butter and jelly – too bad they’re not actually back together, but Winston doesn’t know that.
Trying to continue on with business, despite the oddities of the group, Officer Tess asks Jess why Winston would be a good addition to the police force. As Jess is about to answer, some of the meth in her shirt starts to slip, and she excuses herself to the bathroom. Noticing that Jess is acting a bit out of the ordinary, Winston excuses himself to check on Jess.
Nonchalantly, Winston asks Jess what’s wrong with her breasts – they’re looking rather lumpy (probably because of the meth that’s stuffed down her shirt). Jess plays it off as a menstrual issue, and Winston and she share an awkward moment, because sometimes Winston is too much like one of the girls.
As Winston is dealing with Jess, the rest of the group is answering some of Officer Tess’s questions, and they’re doing awful at it. Coming off as very odd and unnatural, the group tries to play up Winston and make him out to be better than he is, digging the hole they’re in even deeper. Coach makes the mistake of saying that Winston spends a lot of time with the Boys & Girls Club of America and even has a “little brother” named Daquan. Daquan visits every weekend, so Coach dismisses himself to go pick the little guy up.
Cece sneaks away from the group to join Jess in the bathroom. Jess is trying to wash the meth down the shower, but it’s not working at all. Cece tells Jess that she needs to flush it down the toilet instead, but then Cece clogs the toilet with the meth. Everything is going swimmingly, obviously, and to top it off, Jess thinks that she’s on drugs and that the meth seeped through her skin.
Holding down the interview with Officer Tess, Nick is sweating ridiculously at this point, and Schmidt tries to cover him up with a kimono so that Officer Tess can’t see the disgusting amount of back sweat Nick has going on. After hearing some clanking noises coming from the pipes, Schmidt rushes to the bathroom to see what trouble Cece and Jess are creating.
Walking into a disaster scene, Schmidt scrambles to help the duo mop up the overflow in the bathroom. Winston, realizing everyone is acting very strange, walks in on the bathroom scene and hears about the meth. Now that Cece, Jess, Schmidt, and Winston are all in the bathroom and Coach went off to find little Daquan, Nick is left alone with Officer Tess.
Coach rolls up to a local playground to recruit someone to act as Daquan, and oh boy, does he approach it in the worst way possible. After realizing how awful his plan was, he splits from the playground as fast as possible.
While Nick is busy pouring his heart out to Officer Tess, telling her every random fact about his life that he can think of, without revealing that Jess has meth in the house, Jess reveals to Winston that she didn’t want to tell him about the meth, because she doesn’t see him as a cop. With this being said, Winston second guesses himself, and agrees with Jess that he probably wouldn’t be a great cop, and says he will claim the meth as his own to Officer Tess, that way Jess won’t face any consequences.
Still being somewhat whacked out of her mind, Jess blurts out to officer Tess that the meth is hers and that she deserves to be handcuffed and taken away.
After taking in the information from Jess, Officer Tess lines the group up and tells them not to move while she examines the bathroom. The group gets mushy and starts telling each other all the truths they’ve been keeping in.
Officer Tess comes out of the bathroom and tells the group the hard truth – the “meth” that they thought they were housing was actually just a bunch of aquarium rocks. The group rejoices and laughs it off. Officer Tess tells Winston that he’s passed the background check and that he’s done great with his testing and training and he’s one of the best cadets she’s had the pleasure of meeting, but he doesn’t have a future in narcotics.
In the midst of celebration, Coach finally arrives back home after going out to get Daquan. Coach brings in this short Mexican guy, who is probably 30, and says that it’s Winston’s little brother, Daquan. The man plays along.
Daquan, who is actually Jose, hangs out with Coach on the couch after Officer Tess leaves. They’ve become good buddies, bro-ing it out and bonding. Oddly though, the episode ends with Daquan asking Coach if he wanted to have a tickle fight – eyebrow raiser.