Ten second elevator pitch of the last couple of months in Mystic Falls: Bonnie is still stuck in the weird, parallel-universe-prison that Kai’s coven made for him (which he obviously escaped from because he’s awesome and legitimately insane), Elena and Damon made out in a hospital last week so they’re progressing towards some sort of normal relationship (okay, maybe not normal), Stefan promised Caroline’s mom that he’d take care of her when she’s gone (stage 4 cancer, vampire blood not working, remember?), and Kai and Luke merged and we’ll just say Luke didn’t win (in fact, he sort of died, but apparently the two souls somehow merge together into one new person, so that should be interesting).
This week’s episode began with the lyrical masterpiece, “Check Yo Self” by Ice Cube, which begins “You better check yo self before you wreck yo self, Cos I’m bad for your health, I come real stealth. Droppin bombs on ya moms, fuck car alarms.” Well, alright then.
But, guess what? It’s Bonnie’s birthday! Although, since she is literally stuck in her own universe, we don’t think she’s really in the celebratory mood…
Leave it to Bonnie’s friends to through a birthday party where the guest of honor won’t be attending. As usual, Caroline puts it all in perspective, “My mom’s dying, my best friend’s stuck in an alternate universe, and her bear (Miss Cuddles) is stuck in a hole in the ground. And there’s only one of those things that I can do anything about.” So she takes off to find the bear she stole from her best friend when they were children and hid somewhere in the woods. Only in Mystic Falls.
Kai, being Kai, walks into the Salvatore kitchen and has the audacity to ask for help. “Well, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a sociopath. I know…shocker. I like being a sociopath, you know, I’m not burdened by things like guilt or love. So then this merge happened with my brother, Luke, and I won, which was great because I absorbed his ability to do magic. But, now I can’t stop thinking about how Luke died, how Liv’s life is ruined.”
Translation: During the merge Kai gained some of Luke’s kind qualities, like empathy for example and is completely dumbfounded by the presence of human emotion within him. LOL at the fact that he says he Googled how to process emotional pain and was confused by water that starting dripping from his eyes. Hence the letter he’s asked Elena to deliver to Jo in exchange for his help to free Bonnie. Our favorite psychopath is all grown up! Is it weird that we’re a little sad about it?
One of the best parts of the episode: Kai’s analysis of Elena. “She was human, pure, dating the good Salvatore. Then, she became an undead blood-vacuum, stopped caring about right and wrong, and started dating the bad one…I’m sure I missed a detail or two, but I’m just paraphrasing.” Actually, we think you nailed it.
Kai does a spell that takes him, Elena, Damon and Jeremy to Bonnie’s world. Except since they’re basically only there in spirit, they can’t communicate with her or touch anything. When they get there, she’s drinking the bottle of Bourbon her and Damon said they’d drink if they ever decided they couldn’t take another day in Hell and then proceeded to kill themselves. Who makes pacts like that? Damon, obviously.
On the second try, Kai gets him and Jeremy over to the other plane but then Liv stabs him in the real world and ruins everything. As per usual. She is constantly ruining all the well-laid plans and we’re sick of it, quite frankly. Although, Tyler dumps her for her impulsivity so at least there’s some retribution.
Caroline and Stefan finally find the original Miss Cuddles, but Caroline accidently decapitates her. Somehow this leads to her and Stefan almost kissing! But, we’re still not sure if we’re for or against Caroline and Stefan coupling off. Maybe it’s because we still remember the good ole days when Elena was somewhat of a constant damsel in distress and Stefan was somewhat of her own, personal superhero.
Jeremy isn’t able to communicate with Bonnie, but he is able to help save her from herself. They’ve both decided to “be strong,” which for Bonnie means not committing suicide and for Jeremy means applying to art school. No comment.
Based on the rapid removal of clothing between Elena and Damon, we think it’s safe to say they’re back together. But according to next week’s promo and despite our hesitation, it looks like Caroline and Stefan are about to take the leap out of the friend zone:
Tune into The Vampire Diaries on The CW at 8 p.m. on Thursdays.
Image courtesy of Jennifer Graylock/INFphoto.com