Urinating on a gravestone, broken arms, prostitution, missile strikes and Doug's behind.
House of Cards returned for Season 3 and the first episode was jam packed with all that and more. If you couldn't already tell, spoilers ahead.

The Underwoods are in charge of the White House, but this episode belonged to Douglas Stamper. Last we saw Stamper, he was getting attacked with a rock by Rachel (the most important character that nobody knows about). The episode is carried by Stamper and his battle with the recovery process. He constantly is at war with the headaches and the temptations of prescription drugs and alcohol. At first he is rushed to the emergency room and eventually awakens to doctors and nurses. A confused Stamper is forced to learn how to walk again after taking so many shots to the head. With the help of his brother, who he hadn't seen in ten years, Stamper eventually moves back home.

Aside from worrying about his friend, we first see Frank at his father's tombstone where Frank opts to urinate all over the gravestone that he bought. It's safe to say Frank wasn't fond of his father but apparently visiting your father's grave is one of the President's responsibilities. Frank explained, "But I have to do these sorts of things now. It makes me seem more human. And you have to be a little human when you're the president."

Being a little human is important, but approval ratings are just as important for Frank who is facing drastically low ratings causing everyone to question whether he should even run again in 2016. An appearance on The Colbert Show didn't help either as he was ridiculed the entire time and made the butt of the joke.

Speaking of butts, we were graced with the pleasure of seeing Stamper's bare bottom as he struggled to get into the shower before his first meeting with Frank since his injury. Stamper fell in the shower and did some serious damage to his forearm but instead of calling 911, he decided he would "Macgyver"- it and make the most badass cast out of a wooden spoon and duct tape.

Frank and Doug's meeting was a nice encounter, however, Frank wanted nothing to do with Stamper's services until he took care of himself. I guess Stamper took that as "instead of coming back to work, go do the worst things you can think of."

Doug eventually goes to the doctor where he is prescribed pills for the pain. It wasn't enough as fans everywhere were probably screaming at their tablets, laptops and phones as Stamper is seen with a bottle of alcohol. After being sober for so many years, he stares at himself in the mirror until a knock at the door reveals he also hired another prostitute (we all know how the last one turned out).

There was hope though as it seemed as though Doug was going to inject the alcohol into the prostitute. All went downhill fast as the girl squirted the bourbon into Doug's mouth...oh Doug.

5 Fun Facts:
1.)The First Lady keeps herself busy as she is getting ready to be nominated as Ambassador to the U.N. Frank is skeptical because of his America Works bill he is trying to pass which will contribute millions of jobs.
2.) Remy replaces Stamper on Frank's team while Donald is named the Vice President.
3.) Stamper meets with creepy computer hacking guy, who now works for the FBI, in order to get info on Rachel to no avail.
4.) Hector Mendoza is preparing for a run at President in 2016(even though he won't admit it.
5.) President Underwood ends the episode by approving a missile strike in the Middle East that is sure to have some consequences.

We should be all grateful that House of Cards is back and that is exactly why it received 5 stars. This episode would have received five stars even if it was just 55 minutes of Frank hitting his knuckles on the desk in his office. House of Cards is back and Chapter 27 was only the start of what seems to be a hell of a ride for the Underwoods.