When the Columbia University School of Journalism released its blistering report on Rolling Stone’s University of Virginia rape story, most thought someone was going to get fired. That included Jon Stewart, who was just as surprised as everyone else that everyone got to keep their jobs.

During last night’s Daily Show, Stewart took on the Rolling Stone story right away, noting that the magazine that gave U2’s last album five stars isn’t exactly the place to go for journalistic integrity. But the most surprising thing was that writer Sabrina Erdely and managing editor Will Dana are both staying with the magazine.

“That’s not how this works,” Stewart noted. “If nobody else has the guts to do it, I’ll fire them. I’ll make it a citizen’s firing!”

Stewart also couldn’t believe that publisher Jann Wenner thought the Columbia report was enough punishment.

“The report is actually not a punishment at all! It is a list of things in many circumstances people would be punished for. You’re missing the ever crucial sentencing phase.”

“This isn’t a gaffe or a brain fart or a whoopsie-daisy,” Stewart continued. “This is a big deal. You can’t just deal with it by issuing a correction, like the time you spelled Kesha’s name with an ampersand!”